I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I log in and check my blog often, but seem to have had some writers block lately.
The dreaded month is coming up....
Facebook keeps reminding me of it. It reminded me of the joy I had when finding out I was pregnant, it reminded me of how many tests I took when I found out I was pregnant... I took so many leading up to getting pregnant and they were always negative. So when I took the first one and it said positive, I was sure that it was wrong. I took pregnancy tests every time my cycle was late due and it was always negative. This time I had to retest, again and again. I took 4. They all were positive.
Facebook reminds me of the scares I had with the bleeding. How I called my doctor at every sign that wasn't normal. It reminds me of the sickness. How I miss the morning sickness, the sensitive nose, the feeling of something growing inside of me.
Facebook reminded me of my first ultrasound. The first time I went for an ultrasound and how the lady wouldn't tell me anything about my baby. I laid there on the cold table through the whole ultrasound while she was taking pictures in silence. Scared. Hoping she would reassure me that everything was alright. I had to wait until the doctor came in to tell me that everything was all right.
Facebook is going to remind me of everything. Some may say it's a bad thing. Some may not want to remember those things. But, for me... it's all I have. I am still childless with empty arms. All I have and know of my daughter only lives on through my memories... and the posts I have made on Facebook and this blog.
So, to me... while it's sad and breaks my heart every day that I don't have her here... I am glad that I do have Facebook to remind me of those days that I DID have with her. Those exciting times of doctor visits, ultrasounds, morning sickness, and gaining weight for a good reason. I will treasure these memories forever.
