DAY 7
Her due date... one year ago today - April 7th, 2014 was her due date. It would have been a Sunday. She should be a year old. I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been teaching her how to walk. I would be gawking over her every little move.
Instead... I visit her grave. I decorate it on special days. I bring her flowers. I miss her more and more every day. It's been a long road. It's been a lot of downs and very few ups. But I've made it this far.
I haven't been up to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital since before I lost Ana. Since I wasn't past 24 weeks, they wouldn't even send me up there. I've had several friends have babies since I lost Ana. I haven't been able to visit any of them yet, let alone in the hospital. I've been dreading the day that I would HAVE to go back there.
Today was that day...
I took a big step for my healing. I decided to make a basket and deliver it to someone in L&D who had a baby girl today. I also took up three tulip plants... one for the mother of the girl born today and two for other moms who have had babies today or in the past/next day or so.
Walking through the halls leading up to the elevator my heart started pumping and my palms started to sweat. I was unsure of how I would react if I saw a newborn today. I felt my eyes swelling as I pressed the button for the 3rd floor. As I exited the elevator I was greeted with a friendly smile. I explained to her why I was dropping these plants and basket off and what I would like done with them. She was a very nice lady and I am glad to have went up there even if it was just to talk to her.
I walked away as a couple and their daughter walked out. The little girl had dark skin and dark hair and made me think of what Ana would be today. What she would look like. What she would like. As I stepped back into the elevator I felt an overwhelming sense of relief rush over me. I did it. I made it through delivering the gifts without a break down. I'm healing. One step at a time.
I hope these mama's enjoyed their flowers and basket. Here's a peek of what I dropped off today:
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| Special thank you to Michelle G for sewing a blanket for the basket last minute. You're awesome! |
**UPDATED 4/7/14 9:11pm**
Special thank you to Rickee S. - 250$ worth of groceries for a new mommy who had absolutely no food in her house when she brought her newborn home from the hospital Friday night. we went out and stocked her up all in your sweet name Ana <3
This is wonderful! So glad you made it through. You know, not only did I have and lose my daughter at Hillcrest Hospital in Tulsa, OK., I delivered my next one there just 10 mo. later. I made it my second home in order to deal with everything and heal. I chose, 1 1/2 years later, to start working as a newborn photographer at the same hospital my daughter died at and I had spent 2 months in. It was very hard at first, especially when I take a picture of a tiny little girl, or a baby in the NICU who is getting ready to get out, but was originally born at the same gestation I was when I lost my daughter. I have actually cried and had to explain it to the mom's, but I tell my story to them. I always have the opportunity to tell a new mom about my daughter. Many ask if I have always taken pics. and what a great job it must be. I then tell them that I was actually a Social Worker and got very ill, lost a baby, and that is how I ended up there, and I love every day of it. Being there is part of my healing process, and I'm so glad you did this, especially on what would be your daughter's 1st bday. What a great present you gave her......blessing someone else.
ReplyDeleteThank you Michelle. It sure was hard holding back the tears. I was lucky the nurse at the front desk there was so compassionate and willing to listen. She offered a resource or two in my area and I thought that was very nice of her. I know Ana would be proud that I'm giving back to someone else. I would be buying her gifts and spending more money if I had a child than what I'm doing in this month to honor her. She's my angel and she's given me a light to see through this darkness. Thank you for your continued support!
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