Saturday, November 10, 2012

Before Anabelle

Anabelle Luz is now my angel baby. Ana was born, still, on October 21, 2012 between 1:30 and 2:00 in the morning. Being my first child, this has been a very devastating experience for me. I chose to open this page to channel my feelings, write to her, and possibly help others who are going through the same thing I am right now.

I was in a 6 year relationship until April of 2008 with the tall, dark, and handsome man I've dreamed of since I was in 3rd grade. During this time we tried conceiving a child but with my weight gain, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and lack of a menstrual cycle, we were not able to. The relationship ended with him leaving me for another woman, who was a newer friend of mine. Until the beginning of 2012, we stopped all contact with each other. Honestly, I wanted nothing to do with him after how our relationship ended.

In January I was at a friend's house who was a mutual friend of his, and he just happened to be there. At first it was quite awkward... I had a crazy rush of emotions. I had just broke up with my short-term boyfriend at the time, and he recently broke up with the woman he left me for. I was in a good point in my life, I recently had lost 87 lbs and physically I felt great. I was in my 3rd semester at school, and had just decided to double major in both Business Management and Human Resources. While I was not working, I took double the credits traditional students do to ensure I could graduate by the end of the year. I felt strong, secure, and ready to talk to him again.

We spent a night talking about things that have happened since we last talked. We talked about how he felt after his girlfriend left him. We talked about him having a son. We talked about my last boyfriend and my current situation. We talked about how I felt when he left me. I gave him advice, told him to be strong, and that he would eventually get over her. All things take time, and I told him it would get easier as it goes on.

After that night we gradually started spending time together. Most of the time it would be a Sunday evening movie and a short chat afterwards. However, one thing had led to another and one night he kissed me. Those feelings I had from years ago started rushing over me. I couldn't resist anything else from that point. As we made love, it was amazing and I had given him back a part of me that I thought I never would.

As time went on, we began spending more time together. From movies, to taking his son to the park, to just talking for hours... it's like we never spent time apart. Something happened and I just couldn't resist myself in the time we spent together.

I started feeling ill in August. Every morning I woke up I would feel nauseous. My boobs ached and I was so tired I barely wanted to get out of bed. This was abnormal, and I started to question what was happening with my body.

On August 12th I took four over the counter pregnancy tests and found out I was pregnant. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting this because I thought I wasn't able to have kids after trying for so long with him in years past. I knew he was still getting over his last woman leaving him the same way she left the last one for him. I knew he wasn't quite ready for another child. I knew I was ready for a child and ready for whatever might happen once I told him.

I told him we needed to talk and asked him to call me. I told him, over the phone, that I was pregnant. He was shocked and didn't have much to say. For a few weeks we didn't talk much... didn't even text. But once he was ready, he text me and said he was ready and willing to have this child with me. I was excited. I knew he was a good father by watching him with his own son.

At this time, I had just started my final semester of school. I took on a heavy load not knowing that I would be pregnant at the time. I juggled 23 credits while finding myself an unpaid internship at a local plumbing company. I knew it was just a matter of time before everything fell into place and my life would be happily on its way.

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