Day #18 - Release

What do I want to let go of on this journey of grief? 

Deep pain and sadness. I want to release the pain, the fear, the guilt, the anger that has surrounded me for the past year and a half. I want to be able to say (and feel) like I did everything in my power that I could to save my darling angel. I would have traded places with her if I could have. No child deserves to lose their life before having the chance to live it.

I don't want to hurt every single day thinking about her. I want to be grateful that she lived a life without pain and suffering. I want to be scared of the possibility of a future pregnancy loss. I don't want to feel the guilt that I didn't do enough or I should have fought harder or did something different. I don't want the anger I've been holding in and letting out continue to affect me on a day to day basis.

I know my love for her will never go away. I know that the pain of losing her will never go away. But this deep range of emotions and confusion and grief, I want it to turn into something positive. Something that reminds me of her. Something that will forever display be the joy she brings me.

And... I want to be able to talk about her without breaking down into tears. I want to be strong enough to talk to her, to talk about her, to talk freely and be able to raise awareness while doing so. I want her to be proud of me.