Day #3 - Myths

Myths vs Reality via Shutterstock

There are far too many myths about grief to even touch on them. But some of the most important to me are the following:

Myth: Time heals all wounds. It's been 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc. Don't you think you should be over it?

Reality: No, it doesn't heal it. It doesn't go away. The pain might become easier to bear, but it never, EVER goes away. Nothing will ever take the place of my first daughter, even if I have another child down the road. Five years down the road I will still wonder what type of 5 year old I should have in my house. How she should be starting kindergarten, how she should be making friends. I will never get to experience that with her. Time will not heal my wound. I will learn to live with my wounds.

Myth: The best thing we can do is not bring your daughter up.

Reality: This in fact is the complete opposite!! I want you to mention my daughter. I want you to talk about my projects, speak her name, remember her at family gatherings. We tend to remember those who have lived outside the womb when talking about family that has passed. Often forgotten are the ones we lose before we even get to meet them. Please, next time you're around, mention Ana's name.

Myth: It was God's plan.

Reality: I've struggled with faith for awhile now. But every time I hear someone say my loss was "God's will" or "God's way" or "God's way of telling you something" REALLY angers me. I really had to do some digging and research here on what is actually said. Honestly, I don't have time to read the whole Bible before writing this, but I came across a website that mentioned the following (below) and I think this is a great way to look about supporting someone in grief. 

"The Bible makes this important distinction: life provides minimal support but God provides maximum love and comfort. Calling a tragic loss the "will of God" can have a devastating impact on the faith of others.

When statements of faith are to be made, they should focus upon God's love and support through grief. Rather than telling people, "It was the will of God," a better response is to gently suggest, "God is with you in your pain," "God will help you day to day," or "God will guide you through this difficult time." Rather than talking about God "taking" a loved one, it is more theologically accurate to place the focus upon God "receiving and welcoming" a loved one." (www.nfda.org)

Myth: You're still young, you still have time to have a child.

Reality: According to the Mayo Clinic, the quality of eggs after 30 can go down and you might ovulate less frequently, even if you're still having regular periods. I turn 30 this year. I've already had so much trouble trying to conceive that I am very worried about being able to become pregnant again. 

Courtesy: Southern California Center for Reproductive Medicine

Everyone has a different reality. Please try to keep that in mind when speaking about grief.