Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Return To Zero

Return To Zero - A film about Stillbirth
 Staring Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein

Since I lost Ana, I have become an advocate about stillbirth awareness. I came across a Facebook page called Return To Zero. Return to Zero is a true story based on director Sean Hanish's experience with his wife during and after the stillbirth of their son. This is the first film based soley on raising awareness about stillbirth. The movie has finished filming and is now working on getting the attention of Hollywood to show them that there is an audience for this type of film.

I have signed up with Return to Zero to become a Local Leader. Local Leaders are responsible for encouraging people in their communities and social circles to commit to seeing the movie on opening weekend. Pledging to see the film will help the Return To Zero team prove to distributors that there is an audience for this film.

Please use the following link to pledge to see Return To Zero on it's opening weekend. It will ask who your local leader is, please put "Melissa Hamilton". Lets break the silence about stillbirth!

Return To Zero

Friday, May 17, 2013

Kicked in the face (again)

I'm extremely frustrated as I'm writing this post so please excuse me and my language and tone but I am so, sooo sick of being kicked in the face over and over again. I fought my way through school, I fought through the loss of my daughter, I fought through the remainder of school so I could graduate on time, I fought for the job I thought was "the one". I fought for that job just for them to kick me in the face... again.

I started a scheduling/dispatch position on May 1st for an electrical/mechanical company in the area. Every day I went to work excited to learn something new. I enjoy a challenge and liked how every day was different. I started on a Wednesday and my first few days were scattered with introduction and orientation meetings like a typical new job. However, just three days after (Monday) they had me taking my own calls with very little training. It was simple enough: Ask for the company name and issue, their name and a phone number they could be called back at. Then I would ask them how they wanted it handled and I would call the customer back and let them know when a technician would be coming. When they weren't on a "spot" call, they would go to businesses and perform their preventative maintenance. This was scheduled a few days to a week before.

I enjoyed every day. I went to work every day in a good mood with a smile on my face and often asked questions. But today... I was let go today apparently because I'm not "bubbly" or some shit. I answer the phone with a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm not sure about certain terminology like capacitors versus compressors but I was learning. My co-workers were colorful. There were several times during each day where I would just sit back and listen to some of their conversations because I thought they were outrageous and sometimes very unprofessional. Being the new person... what am I supposed to say? I certainly didn't want to say something wrong only knowing them a week or two so far so I chose to only say things that were "safe".

 I kind of kept to myself because I really didn't know what to think. The one girl calls guys things like "studman" and one of the other guys calls her "tinker bell" and just stupid shit like that. There were several times where they were dropping F-bombs in the office and sometimes even over the phone with their technicians. Just the other day my supervisor told me she thought I was doing a great job and catching on quickly so this all came as a huge shock to me!

It bothers me to think that I was actually excited and looking forward to working at a company like this when they really let me go with very little reason or cause. They don't know even a quarter of what I have been through in the last year and I'm glad I never opened up to them. I keep myself guarded because of situations like this where I take a chance and try hard just to be kicked in the face.

In the end, screw them! Honestly, I couldn't stand the one girl being such a slut anyhow. "Oh, it was confirmed last night, I'm not high maintenance." Like, really bitch no one fucking cares. Especially me.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

Many women will never know what it's like to lose a child. No mother ever should. It's one of the worst feelings in the whole world. I've told people I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... because I wouldn't. No matter how much evil a person is, I would never wish that they would have to feel the pain and the emptiness that I do. This is my first Mother's Day after I got pregnant. This was my first Mother's Day I should have spent with my daughter.

This is supposed to be a day for mother's to be proud of their children and to be honored by those around them for doing such a great job. But my child is not here with me. I don't get to hold her, kiss her. I'll never get to hear her tell me she loves me or that I'm the best mom in the world. I'll never get a project from her in school for Mother's Day. Mother's around the world are beaming and proud of their children. I'm proud of Ana in every single way, but it hurts me so bad that she's not here with me.

I knew today wasn't going to be easy. I knew today was going to be emotional. I woke up this morning and I knew my family had plans to go to my grandmother's. It was awkward. People didn't know what to say to me so many said nothing at all. This is my own family, the side of the family which I would say I'm close to. I got a hug or two but many sad eyes and "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say smiles". I told my mom and grandma Happy Mother's Day, I ate quickly, but then I sat on the couch away from everyone else while they talked. I just didn't feel like socializing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to say something and make everyone uncomfortable or have that awkward silence. I just kept to myself in a world where I don't fit in.

I told Ana's father today that I was sad that I had to visit my daughter at the grave for Mother's Day. The only thing he had to say was that everything will be okay and that I shouldn't be sad. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to say. But he did ask when Father's Day was, and I wonder why. He's got a son he can hold and he can hear his son tell him he loves him. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I hurt because I have a daughter but yet it feels like I am not a Mother. I have no living children and I wonder if this is just how it was meant to be.

I love you Ana. Forever my daughter.