Thursday, March 21, 2013
However, now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am having a hard time coming back to reality. Reality is, I am not going to have a baby any time soon. Reality is I need to find a job. Reality is my baby is not coming back. Reality is her due date is less than a month away, and for most people will just come and go as another day. However, I'm finding it very difficult transitioning from fantasy back to reality.
Since I lost Ana the days seem to speed by. It seems like just yesterday I buried my daughter, but in reality it's been almost 5 months. Where have those months gone? I had graduated in December, but where is the job that I've been longing for? Where has time gone?
It's back to reality... my new reality without my baby.
You're not ready for a kid anyway
My mother is usually the one yelling at me to think before i speak. Well this time i can't even explain how hurt i am by how she told me I'm not ready for a kid yet anyway. It's less than 20 days away from my would-be due date and those words have hit me like a dagger to the heart. Mom and i were taking about a situation with Anas father and i explained how i was upset. I told her how at this point I'm glad i don't have a kid with him because of all the mean shit he has said to me on this trip. Her response: You're not ready for a kid anyway.
My heart sank. The tears instantly started running down my face and it felt like the wind was knocked right out of me. I was hyperventilating. I thought... Of all people how could my own mother say something like this to me. After all, she of all people should know how much I wanted to have Ana. How much i wanted my baby and STILL DO. To hear her say that just broke me to pieces and i ran out of her room crying.
Not only was Anas father being mean, so was my mom. Im sorting here crying on a boat in St. Kitts with no where to go. I'm stuck on this trip which i thought was going to be sooooo different. I thought that maybe this would be where things were rekindled... But instead it shed light that this guy really doesn't care about me or the child we had together.
Then to top it off... What my mom said just made me furious. I just don't know how people can say what they do to someone they know had a broken heart. Ana was and still is my everything and always will be. Mama loves you Ana. Mama loves you.
Friday, March 1, 2013
I should be preparing for a child, but I am not.
I should be buying baby clothes, diapers and wipes, but I am not.
I should be awaiting my first baby shower, but I am not.
I should be looking at a swollen tummy, but I am not.
I should be feeling the kicks and jabs in my womb, but I am not.
I should be painting a nursery, but I am not.
I should be packing a hospital bag, but I am not.
I should be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby, but I am not.
I should be eight months pregnant, but I am not.