Thursday, October 24, 2013

Ana's first angelversary poem

Our precious princess Anabelle
We think of you today
But that is nothing new
We think of you each day

Today is your 1st angelversary
We can't spend it with you
Instead we light a candle in your memory
And say Happy birthday to you

We can't begin to tell you sweetheart
How much you are loved and missed
We long to hold you close to us
And give you a birthday kiss

We hope you have a wonderful birthday
Although we can't be there
We know your happy darling
Up in heaven somewhere

-Written for Ana on her first angelversary by Michele Bird

It's been one whole year...

It's been one whole year since I said goodbye to my angel. A year ago tomorrow we buried her next to my grandfather in the city I grew up in. This week has been hard. I've found a very demanding job (which I'm thankful for) but I feel as though I wasn't able to celebrate like mother's want to. A child's first birthday is a BIG celebration. While we held a balloon release for her, we certainly didn't celebrate. It was a somber event, cold and windy like I remember the day we buried her.
The pain in sharp. The further into the day I went... The harder it wass to breathe. It literally felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs and the tears built like wells. I worked on Monday and I, for the first time, had no problems with payroll. I credit this to my angel watching over me, because, up until this Monday, I have had an error of some type in my work (since I'm still learning). But on Monday everything went smoothly and I finished it all before my deadline. I know she was watching over me. I know she was there because if she wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to handle another late deadline. I know she was making sure her mama had a good day. For this, I am so very thankful.
It was short notice, but I was able to gather my family together the day before her first angelversary for the balloon release I mentioned. I'd like to include some pictures, as they will be the only things I have to hold onto for her special day.

This is my lovely support. My family. My everything.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Capture Your Grief

October is most commonly recognized as breast cancer awareness month. Before I lost Ana I had no clue that it was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) awareness month as well. To tell you the truth, I never thought about a mother losing a child. In my eyes, every woman should be blessed with a child. Little did I know that 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a child.
For the the first few months after losing Ana I literally felt lost. Like I was standing still day after day and the world was just passing by. I felt like I didn't fit in, that no one wanted to talk to me: that no one understood the unbearable pain I was enduring. I hate the feeling of being alone... the feeling like everyone is looking at you and they want to say something but they don't know what to say so they turn away before you notice them. I knew I just couldn't feel like this anymore.
I started writing. I wrote down how I was feeling, no matter how bad it felt. The purpose of it was to be true to my heart and to tell someone... anyone... or even just the piece of paper I was writing on. What I was doing was capturing my grief, day by day... or sometimes hour by hour.
In the immediate days surrounding my loss, I could barely function. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about all of the "what if's". Instead of sitting there I picked up a pen and started writing. It's been important to me to get the word out about my loss. I've become active in the Stillborn and Sleeping Babie Support Group on Facebook and eventually becoming an administrator. Doing so helped me begin healing my ever-so-broken heart. But being an open ear to other mothers going through the unthinkable has also helped me feel like Ana's memory will live on forever.

In memory of Ana, this month I am participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2013 Campaign. While I have a late start, I will finish this project for myself and for my daughter. If you'd like to participate, don't put pressure on yourself to do a subject each day. Feel free to pick and choose the ones you'd like. But I will be posting here, starting with #1.