Monday, December 17, 2012


It's that time of year again. The time to be happy and jolly before the long winter's rest. It's time to be thankful for what we have, a time give back to others in need. It's a time to remember Christ, our family, and what really is important to us.

This year everyone already has their Christmas tree up, their decorations, their shopping is done, etc. They are way ahead of me this year. While I usually don't start shopping until the end of November, it's almost Christmas now and I still have no tree, no decorations, and I certainly haven't bought any gifts yet. It's not the money, more the sad and empty feeling I have doing it without Ana.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate and put up decorations. Just after Christmas I would be preparing for the arrival of Ana. I would be planning my baby shower, buying stuff for baby. I don't have any of that now and it brings me a lot of mixed feelings. I feel empty, alone, sad and overall just have a tremendous feeling of something missing. It's hard to think that it's been almost two months since I lost Ana and I don't know what I'm going to do in the following months without her.

I feel like the last few months have gone by in a blur. I haven't been able to fully-function in two months and I'm not sure when I will be able to again. It seems like I just do what other people tell me to do and hope I make it through another day. While I try to keep myself busy with running around and helping out my family, I still feel lost without direction.

I don't like being asked what I want for Christmas. What I want, I do not have. Nothing will be able to fill this empty void I have without Ana. I know it will get easier, as I'm only two months into my grieving, but at the same time, I really hope it's soon.

I need to snap out of this daze I'm in...

Friday, December 14, 2012

What is wrong with this world?!?!

I just CANNOT believe what is going on around the world. I read in the news today that a man in China slashed 22 children at an elementary school in the Henan providence, AND a 20 year old man went shot and killed 27 people in an elementary school in Newton, Connecticut. This follows just days after a mall shooting in Portland, Oregon.

Why in the world would a man go into a school and cut up children with a knife? What brings someone to this foolish act? Not only that but 10 days before Christmas? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?? Were there signs?

I am not only disgusted but also outraged at the fact that these men feel they have the right to injure or to take someone else's life. The most scared thing to a mother and father is a child. For these people to walk into a school and do something such heinous things to these children is absolutely repulsive. I don't know what goes wrong in these people's heads to do something like this.

I lost my daughter but I couldn't imagine having someone else take the life of my child. I feel so much hurt and sadness for these families. My heart breaks for each and every person affected by these tragedies and I pray that the Lord is with them during this time. This really makes me sick to my stomach and my heart goes out to all of these families across the world.

We all think this could never happen in our neighborhood, our schools, to our children. Sometimes we take for granted our safety, our lives, and our children. Hug your spouses (significant others) and children. Give them extra kisses. Tell them you love them. Don't just do this today, do this every day. You never know what tomorrow might bring...

Monday, December 10, 2012

What's left?

School has been winding down, I graduated December 1st, I have a few more classes to finish but this only takes me out of the house on Tuesdays and Thursday mornings. I feel as though I am not doing anything with my life. I am not pregnant anymore, I am barely going to school, I'm not working... so what is there to life?

Since everything is slowing down I feel as though it's hard for me to figure out what to do with myself on a day to day basis. While I have a possible part time job lined up, and a full time offer in customer service, it's just not what I want to do. I feel as though I am missing such a huge part of my life that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I find myself bored and either eating or sleeping. I know this can be signs of depression, but I still make it out of the house to see my friends and do the things I "need" to do.

So... where do I go from here? What do I do? What's left to life? I would like a rainbow baby but I don't want Ana to think that I'm replacing her. I don't want to go through this again. But what do I want? I want a baby... a family. I want what I've always wanted. I just wish I had my Ana here with me. I haven't cried as much as I have today... in days. I still haven't put her scrap book together and I've been putting it off because I don't want to "finish" it.

I've been trying so hard to "stay strong" and to "get over it". The fact of the matter is... I am NOT strong and I will NOT get over this. The sharp, stabbing, throbbing pain in my heart will never go away. The pain might lessen, but it will always be there. She will always be a part of me that is missing and is not here where I feel she should be. But that's just be being selfish. I know she's free of pain and other bad things that Earth here has. I almost feel selfish wanting another child. I feel like... I'm losing myself.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Sick of the bleeding! (graphic)

I can't even begin to explain how sick of the bleeding I am! I lost Ana Sunday October 21, and when I lost her the blood was literally pouring out. When I stood up from the table at the ER it was like a faucet was on... blood everywhere. I lost soooo much blood in the first few days after I lost Ana that I needed a blood transfusion. They put two units of blood into me Tuesday night, October 23. I continued to bleed heavily for a week, and then it slowed down but I was still bleeding until November 10th.

The doctor thinks I started my first period cycle just over a week after all the bleeding stopped, on November 19th. This was important for me to know if it was a cycle or not because they needed to wait for my first cycle to do the Saline Infused Sonohysterogram (SIS). I bled half a day for a few days, and then they put me on medication for the procedure which made my body cramp and bleed heavier. I bled until the day of the SIS, and again, during and after the procedure I bled a lot. It reminded me of the blood loss when I was in the ER with Ana. That afternoon, Tuesday November 27th, I stopped bleeding.

However, two days later I started bleeding REALLY heavy. This bleeding was dark red, thick, and was different than the rest of my cycles or bleeding. This blood included large clots of blood. I wasn't even able to wear a tampon because there was so much blood I was leaking through them in less than an hour. The worst of this happened in the last few days.

On Monday, December 3rd I was at the local hardware store with Ana's father, Ana's grandma, and Ana's brother. We were looking for paint for a doll house we are building for Ana's grandma when something just didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom to find blood everywhere again. I had just put in a new "super" tampon before I left the house and it was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half after when I went to the restroom. I took out my tampon and there was a blood clot the size of the tampon and clots literally just fell out of my body as I was pulling it out. Now I had blood all over the bathroom, my hands, my clothes, it was so gross! I leaned over to wipe up the floor and more blood and clotting oozed out. It was one of the most dirty, disgusting feeling.

I cleaned up as much as I could and sat down on the floor and cried. Each and every time I go to the bathroom the blood is a constant reminder of my little girl that I lost and how she's no longer here with me. It hurts each time I see it, as it puts me back to the day I went into the ER because I was losing so much blood. It hurts to know I can't try until all of the bleeding is over with. The doc said to expect heavy bleeding (which I was used to since I was younger and had irregular periods) but ... THIS HEAVY? The only time I experienced such heavy bleeding was with the loss of my daughter.

I finally called my OB and told her I'm not feeling well and told her about how much I've been bleeding. The doctors decided to start me on a progesterone medication which will help me shed the lining of my uterus faster and stop the bleeding. (Or so they say) They want to make sure that I don't go down the road of bleeding too much again and needing another transfusion. I started this medication last night December 4th and the bleeding is still heavy. I will be taking this medication until I have stopped bleeding for a week and I hope it levels my body out again.

I've pretty much been bleeding for over a month straight with about a weeks break in between. Just not feeling myself anymore and wish the doctors were able to do more about it.

Graduating in honor of Ana

December 1st was a bittersweet day. It was the day I've been waiting for, for two years. I enrolled at the school two years ago in the Business Management program and last year I decided I wanted to double major in Human Resources. So, I took heavy loads to fulfill the required credits and classes in only two years.

In spring of this year I took 21 credits. 12 credits is considered full time. Over the summer, full time is considered 6 credits, I took 9. This fall I took 20 credits. I've been working hard to keep up my 4.0 GPA to graduate with honors, even after my huge loss in October. I'm part of the national honor society. I graduated with honors on December 1st. These are all things that I should be VERY proud of... but a part of me feels so sad... so empty.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ana, I knew I had to work extra hard to finish this final semester of school. I was constantly sick: nauseous, puking, tired. It was so hard for me to pull myself out of bed each morning to get to my classes. Some days I was in school from noon until almost 10pm. I did this for Ana, knowing that all I needed to do was finish this last semester and then I can plan the life I've dreamed of with my child that I've always wanted. I was so excited for December to get here so that I would be able to start buying (and planning) for the baby.

During my graduation ceremony I was numb. There were so many people that filled the PAC that it was hard to find anyone you were looking for. The bright lights shining in my face just added to the distance and the numbness that I was feeling. I had one of my best friends sitting right next to me, and I was surrounded by classmates. But I felt so alone. I felt as though I was missing the biggest, most important part of me: My baby. I know she was there with me in spirit (because I didn't trip in my heels in front of the large crowd) but I just feel like she should still be here in my belly with me, physically.

I know Ana would be proud of her mommy. I know she's in Heaven smiling at me. But it still hurts so bad that she's not here with me. That I feel like December means nothing anymore. I  feel so sad about everything that has happened in the last two months that I just don't know where to start my life anymore. I thought I had everything planned out... and it turns out, I don't have anywhere to start.