Thursday, February 21, 2013

Four months

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Ana. It seems like closer and closer to her due date makes me more and more anxious. I'm grateful that I have a vacation to look forward to or I think I might lose my mind. I've been trying to put my focus on the vacation and not on being sad. I know she doesn't want me to be sad. I know she's up in heaven having a great time with both of my grandpas. I know she wants me to focus on feeling better but it seems like I'm finding my comfort again in food.

After I lost Ana I immediately lost her "baby weight". But since I lost her, I have gained the 30 lbs back and I'm at the weight that I lost her at. I'm disappointed about this because I've been trying to hard to lose weight before I got pregnant and since I lost Ana I've been gaining weight. I'm disappointed that I'm leaning on food as my comfort when I know I shouldn't be.

I miss her tremendously. It hurts that I can't talk to her father about her. I can't bring her up because if I cry he will shy away. I can't help it that I cry when I talk about her, I am and always have been an emotional person. I can't change that. But I want to talk about her. I want people to bring up her name. To remember her.

I want to say it out loud. I want to tell people about her. About what she should have been. About how great she was and how I looked forward to her every moment I was pregnant with her. I found out one of my friend's girlfriends is due the day before me with a little girl. She constantly complains about how she feels and that this will be her last child and blah blah blah. I think to myself, I WISH I WERE FEELING WHAT YOU ARE! I'm dying inside not feeling kicks, not feeling her inside me moving around. BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013


I feel like I'm in the point of my grieving that I want to help others. I started this blog to help other mothers who are going through the same or a similar situation as mine. NO ONE ever imagines the baby they are having will be born sleeping, that a child would pass so young. There are ways that I want to help mothers, so I am making a list. Starting this year I will do the following to help other mothers:

1. I have registered as a walker in the March for Babies. I will walk for Ana and ALL other babies born sleeping, born prematurely, or born sick. I have a goal of raising $500 this year and to increase that amount every year from 2013 forward. I will be walking on April 20 and hope to have a nice team of family and friends that are willing to walk the 2 miles in remembrance of Ana and other babies. The following link you can sign up to donate, walk with me, or just share my link with others.

2. I will continue to update my and Ana's story. I feel this is important because she will never be forgotten. I will continue this blog not only for Ana but for other mothers who have gone through what I've been through and they need to know they are not alone.

3. I will continue to be an active part of the infant loss community. I will continue to reach out to other mothers who have had their worlds shatter around them. They need someone to talk to and to listen. They need to know they are not alone. I want to be someone to help them with their loss.

Random hard days

The other day, Monday, to be specific, I went to see Ana. I was emotional and just had a strong urge to go see her. It was cold so I sat in the car and cried. I called her father and asked if he's been there to see her since the last time we went. He said no. I got upset. To me, it felt like he doesn't want to remember her.

After all the things I've been observing lately I just don't know how to take it. I don't know if it's the cultural difference (I'm as white and American as they come, he's of Mexican descent). I don't know if it's because he's a man and they grieve differently. I don't know why there is such a difference between grieving and remembering. I just don't know. But all of this got me so overwhelmed and so mad.

Her headstone wasn't in place yet and that made me mad. I know it's winter but dammit I at least wanted to see it. So I left her grave and went to the monument place we purchased her headstone at. I was in tears. Could barely talk. He remembered who I was and took me back to the room where her headstone awaited. He again told me that he wasn't able to put it in while the ground was frozen so we had to wait. But I just sat there crying. So many things ran through my head. How in less than two months I should be holding my baby, but instead I'm awaiting the placement of her headstone on her freaking grave. It just kills me inside.

I keep getting mail about baby registries and baby magazines and when I get the mail I just want to burn it. I can't open it. I can't look at it. I try to ignore it. Sometimes, I just don't get the mail because I'm afraid there will be another reminder of my loss. My emptiness. My Ana. I love you baby. I will never forget you! You will ALWAYS live on in my heart.