Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day

Many women will never know what it's like to lose a child. No mother ever should. It's one of the worst feelings in the whole world. I've told people I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... because I wouldn't. No matter how much evil a person is, I would never wish that they would have to feel the pain and the emptiness that I do. This is my first Mother's Day after I got pregnant. This was my first Mother's Day I should have spent with my daughter.

This is supposed to be a day for mother's to be proud of their children and to be honored by those around them for doing such a great job. But my child is not here with me. I don't get to hold her, kiss her. I'll never get to hear her tell me she loves me or that I'm the best mom in the world. I'll never get a project from her in school for Mother's Day. Mother's around the world are beaming and proud of their children. I'm proud of Ana in every single way, but it hurts me so bad that she's not here with me.

I knew today wasn't going to be easy. I knew today was going to be emotional. I woke up this morning and I knew my family had plans to go to my grandmother's. It was awkward. People didn't know what to say to me so many said nothing at all. This is my own family, the side of the family which I would say I'm close to. I got a hug or two but many sad eyes and "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say smiles". I told my mom and grandma Happy Mother's Day, I ate quickly, but then I sat on the couch away from everyone else while they talked. I just didn't feel like socializing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to say something and make everyone uncomfortable or have that awkward silence. I just kept to myself in a world where I don't fit in.

I told Ana's father today that I was sad that I had to visit my daughter at the grave for Mother's Day. The only thing he had to say was that everything will be okay and that I shouldn't be sad. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to say. But he did ask when Father's Day was, and I wonder why. He's got a son he can hold and he can hear his son tell him he loves him. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I hurt because I have a daughter but yet it feels like I am not a Mother. I have no living children and I wonder if this is just how it was meant to be.

I love you Ana. Forever my daughter.

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