Monday, December 17, 2012


It's that time of year again. The time to be happy and jolly before the long winter's rest. It's time to be thankful for what we have, a time give back to others in need. It's a time to remember Christ, our family, and what really is important to us.

This year everyone already has their Christmas tree up, their decorations, their shopping is done, etc. They are way ahead of me this year. While I usually don't start shopping until the end of November, it's almost Christmas now and I still have no tree, no decorations, and I certainly haven't bought any gifts yet. It's not the money, more the sad and empty feeling I have doing it without Ana.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate and put up decorations. Just after Christmas I would be preparing for the arrival of Ana. I would be planning my baby shower, buying stuff for baby. I don't have any of that now and it brings me a lot of mixed feelings. I feel empty, alone, sad and overall just have a tremendous feeling of something missing. It's hard to think that it's been almost two months since I lost Ana and I don't know what I'm going to do in the following months without her.

I feel like the last few months have gone by in a blur. I haven't been able to fully-function in two months and I'm not sure when I will be able to again. It seems like I just do what other people tell me to do and hope I make it through another day. While I try to keep myself busy with running around and helping out my family, I still feel lost without direction.

I don't like being asked what I want for Christmas. What I want, I do not have. Nothing will be able to fill this empty void I have without Ana. I know it will get easier, as I'm only two months into my grieving, but at the same time, I really hope it's soon.

I need to snap out of this daze I'm in...

Friday, December 14, 2012

What is wrong with this world?!?!

I just CANNOT believe what is going on around the world. I read in the news today that a man in China slashed 22 children at an elementary school in the Henan providence, AND a 20 year old man went shot and killed 27 people in an elementary school in Newton, Connecticut. This follows just days after a mall shooting in Portland, Oregon.

Why in the world would a man go into a school and cut up children with a knife? What brings someone to this foolish act? Not only that but 10 days before Christmas? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM?? Were there signs?

I am not only disgusted but also outraged at the fact that these men feel they have the right to injure or to take someone else's life. The most scared thing to a mother and father is a child. For these people to walk into a school and do something such heinous things to these children is absolutely repulsive. I don't know what goes wrong in these people's heads to do something like this.

I lost my daughter but I couldn't imagine having someone else take the life of my child. I feel so much hurt and sadness for these families. My heart breaks for each and every person affected by these tragedies and I pray that the Lord is with them during this time. This really makes me sick to my stomach and my heart goes out to all of these families across the world.

We all think this could never happen in our neighborhood, our schools, to our children. Sometimes we take for granted our safety, our lives, and our children. Hug your spouses (significant others) and children. Give them extra kisses. Tell them you love them. Don't just do this today, do this every day. You never know what tomorrow might bring...

Monday, December 10, 2012

What's left?

School has been winding down, I graduated December 1st, I have a few more classes to finish but this only takes me out of the house on Tuesdays and Thursday mornings. I feel as though I am not doing anything with my life. I am not pregnant anymore, I am barely going to school, I'm not working... so what is there to life?

Since everything is slowing down I feel as though it's hard for me to figure out what to do with myself on a day to day basis. While I have a possible part time job lined up, and a full time offer in customer service, it's just not what I want to do. I feel as though I am missing such a huge part of my life that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I find myself bored and either eating or sleeping. I know this can be signs of depression, but I still make it out of the house to see my friends and do the things I "need" to do.

So... where do I go from here? What do I do? What's left to life? I would like a rainbow baby but I don't want Ana to think that I'm replacing her. I don't want to go through this again. But what do I want? I want a baby... a family. I want what I've always wanted. I just wish I had my Ana here with me. I haven't cried as much as I have today... in days. I still haven't put her scrap book together and I've been putting it off because I don't want to "finish" it.

I've been trying so hard to "stay strong" and to "get over it". The fact of the matter is... I am NOT strong and I will NOT get over this. The sharp, stabbing, throbbing pain in my heart will never go away. The pain might lessen, but it will always be there. She will always be a part of me that is missing and is not here where I feel she should be. But that's just be being selfish. I know she's free of pain and other bad things that Earth here has. I almost feel selfish wanting another child. I feel like... I'm losing myself.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Sick of the bleeding! (graphic)

I can't even begin to explain how sick of the bleeding I am! I lost Ana Sunday October 21, and when I lost her the blood was literally pouring out. When I stood up from the table at the ER it was like a faucet was on... blood everywhere. I lost soooo much blood in the first few days after I lost Ana that I needed a blood transfusion. They put two units of blood into me Tuesday night, October 23. I continued to bleed heavily for a week, and then it slowed down but I was still bleeding until November 10th.

The doctor thinks I started my first period cycle just over a week after all the bleeding stopped, on November 19th. This was important for me to know if it was a cycle or not because they needed to wait for my first cycle to do the Saline Infused Sonohysterogram (SIS). I bled half a day for a few days, and then they put me on medication for the procedure which made my body cramp and bleed heavier. I bled until the day of the SIS, and again, during and after the procedure I bled a lot. It reminded me of the blood loss when I was in the ER with Ana. That afternoon, Tuesday November 27th, I stopped bleeding.

However, two days later I started bleeding REALLY heavy. This bleeding was dark red, thick, and was different than the rest of my cycles or bleeding. This blood included large clots of blood. I wasn't even able to wear a tampon because there was so much blood I was leaking through them in less than an hour. The worst of this happened in the last few days.

On Monday, December 3rd I was at the local hardware store with Ana's father, Ana's grandma, and Ana's brother. We were looking for paint for a doll house we are building for Ana's grandma when something just didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom to find blood everywhere again. I had just put in a new "super" tampon before I left the house and it was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half after when I went to the restroom. I took out my tampon and there was a blood clot the size of the tampon and clots literally just fell out of my body as I was pulling it out. Now I had blood all over the bathroom, my hands, my clothes, it was so gross! I leaned over to wipe up the floor and more blood and clotting oozed out. It was one of the most dirty, disgusting feeling.

I cleaned up as much as I could and sat down on the floor and cried. Each and every time I go to the bathroom the blood is a constant reminder of my little girl that I lost and how she's no longer here with me. It hurts each time I see it, as it puts me back to the day I went into the ER because I was losing so much blood. It hurts to know I can't try until all of the bleeding is over with. The doc said to expect heavy bleeding (which I was used to since I was younger and had irregular periods) but ... THIS HEAVY? The only time I experienced such heavy bleeding was with the loss of my daughter.

I finally called my OB and told her I'm not feeling well and told her about how much I've been bleeding. The doctors decided to start me on a progesterone medication which will help me shed the lining of my uterus faster and stop the bleeding. (Or so they say) They want to make sure that I don't go down the road of bleeding too much again and needing another transfusion. I started this medication last night December 4th and the bleeding is still heavy. I will be taking this medication until I have stopped bleeding for a week and I hope it levels my body out again.

I've pretty much been bleeding for over a month straight with about a weeks break in between. Just not feeling myself anymore and wish the doctors were able to do more about it.

Graduating in honor of Ana

December 1st was a bittersweet day. It was the day I've been waiting for, for two years. I enrolled at the school two years ago in the Business Management program and last year I decided I wanted to double major in Human Resources. So, I took heavy loads to fulfill the required credits and classes in only two years.

In spring of this year I took 21 credits. 12 credits is considered full time. Over the summer, full time is considered 6 credits, I took 9. This fall I took 20 credits. I've been working hard to keep up my 4.0 GPA to graduate with honors, even after my huge loss in October. I'm part of the national honor society. I graduated with honors on December 1st. These are all things that I should be VERY proud of... but a part of me feels so sad... so empty.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ana, I knew I had to work extra hard to finish this final semester of school. I was constantly sick: nauseous, puking, tired. It was so hard for me to pull myself out of bed each morning to get to my classes. Some days I was in school from noon until almost 10pm. I did this for Ana, knowing that all I needed to do was finish this last semester and then I can plan the life I've dreamed of with my child that I've always wanted. I was so excited for December to get here so that I would be able to start buying (and planning) for the baby.

During my graduation ceremony I was numb. There were so many people that filled the PAC that it was hard to find anyone you were looking for. The bright lights shining in my face just added to the distance and the numbness that I was feeling. I had one of my best friends sitting right next to me, and I was surrounded by classmates. But I felt so alone. I felt as though I was missing the biggest, most important part of me: My baby. I know she was there with me in spirit (because I didn't trip in my heels in front of the large crowd) but I just feel like she should still be here in my belly with me, physically.

I know Ana would be proud of her mommy. I know she's in Heaven smiling at me. But it still hurts so bad that she's not here with me. That I feel like December means nothing anymore. I  feel so sad about everything that has happened in the last two months that I just don't know where to start my life anymore. I thought I had everything planned out... and it turns out, I don't have anywhere to start.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

My PCOS diagnosis

I went to the doctor on April 17, 2006 because my periods have stopped completely for several months and I was having abdominal pain. The lack of a period, to me, meant no possibility of having a child (which I wanted). I was diagnosed with PCOS on April 22 of 2006, after having both an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. This was the first time I heard of PCOS and I had no idea that I've been suffering from symptoms for years (and still am).

The conclusion of this ultrasound stated that both of my ovaries are "generous" in size and have a few more peripheral follicles than are usually seen. They said these findings are somewhat borderline but may represent a mild degree of polycystic ovarian disease. My uterus appeared normal. After looking at the ultrasound results and other symptoms I was having, the doctor diagnosed me with PCOS.

I've done a lot of research in regards to PCOS and since I was in high school I've had the following symptoms: 

  1. Even during early development, I had irregular menstrual periods. Included in this was very heavy bleeding and painful, painful cramps. 
  2. As I gained weight throughout the years, my periods became more and more infrequent.
  3. At the point that I saw the doctor, I had not had a period in almost a year.
  4. When I met Ana's father, we had sex often without protection. I never got pregnant. The doctors suspect my PCOS and lack of periods led to my infertility.
  5. Signs of hirsutism showed increased hair growth on my face, stomach and toes.
  6. Cysts on my ovaries (shown by ultrasound).
  7. Oily skin, acne, and dandruff. This was often troublesome in high school as kids in school would make fun of me for acne or dandruff. I tried hard to control it with over the counter acne products and dandruff shampoo. This didn't do much.
  8. When I was a child I had very, very thick hair. My hair has (and still is) thinning and I notice that one side is thinner than the other side.
  9. Patches of skin on my neck that are thick and dark brown. I remember my mom always telling me to "wash your neck better". I would scrub and scrub but it would not come off. Little did I know this was part of PCOS.
  10. Skin tags on my neck and armpit areas. Not many, but there are a few small skin tags that I've noticed in the last few years.
  11. Pelvic pain... this comes and goes and I think it has to do with cysts "popping" or with ovulation.
  12. Anxiety - I have high anxiety and it's usually controlled. Until the loss of Ana, anyway.

This was the beginning of my journey with PCOS. This is something that is a constant daily struggle in trying to conceive... or just trying to feel secure about myself. Symptoms like the patches of dark skin, acne, or the hair on my face left me very cautious of what other people would think about me. I still have many of these symptoms, but I've noticed that some of them have lessened since I've started my weight loss journey. I hope that continuing with my weight loss will help my symptoms lessen more and more.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Saline Infused Sonohysterogram (SIS) and results

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my Saline Infused Sonohysterogram. For this procedure I was given a medication 7 days in advance to relax/soften/open my cervix. The medication they gave me is called cytotec the generic version is called misoprostol. She prescribed 100mcg tablets twice a day orally. I started this medication last week on the third day of my period cycle. When taking the medication I noticed that the bleeding became heavier after taking the pills for a few days. There was cramping and I almost constantly had an upset stomach. Because of this I noticed myself eating more to try calming my stomach from the upset feeling.

I was really nervous about the procedure itself. While it's not like they were going to cut me open... I was afraid they would find a problem that would end in cutting me open to fix it. I got to the doctor yesterday just before 1:45 and the ultrasound (US) tech had me empty my bladder. She had me change from the waste down and then started a vaginal US. Within minutes the doctor performing the procedure was in the room to watch the images on the screen. The US tech first got a look at my empty uterus and both of my ovaries. When she was pushing to find my right ovary it was really tender and I actually told her to stop. They suspect I ovulated from my right side this month because of how tender it was.

Once those pictures were taken they used a speculum to insert a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. Once it was in place she then took the speculum out and inserted the probe again. She filled my uterus up with a balloon of saline water to show the lining of my uterus. During this time she explained that I had a large blood clot in my uterus, but it was not attached to the lining. She made this sound like it was better than having it stuck to the lining. The doctor also told me that there were no signs of polyps or fibriods nor signs of an abnormal (septate) uterus problem.

Finding out that my uterus was not the cause of losing Ana brought a sigh of relief. I was so worried that they would find something that would require surgery and I would have to postpone trying to conceive again. I was worried I would have to go through more physical pain after all of this I was relieved that they didn't find anything they were concerned about.

The most painful part of the whole procedure was when she took the catheter out and had me sit up. My stomach immediately started cramping and I had a sensation similar to when my water broke. It was quite painful and I wasn't expecting it since the procedure itself wasn't too bad. After talking to my regular doctor I stood up to find blood all over the table, chair, and floor. It wasn't as much as when I gave birth to Ana, but certainly brought back some "flashbacks" and I started crying.

Both of the doctors gave me the green light to try to conceive again. They said they have a plan in place for if/when I get pregnant again. Right now, since I have polycystic ovaries, they want me to start on Metformin again on a lesser dose than times in the past which I didn't feel well on. They want me to start on 500mgs and when/if possible to try to get up to 1500mg but only go as far as my body will tolerate. They want me to continue taking my prenatal vitamins because of the loss of blood and the benefits it will give me when I do become pregnant. They said as soon as I know I'm pregnant she wants me in for blood work and they will follow me closely throughout the whole pregnancy. She will also start me on baby aspirin "just in case" to prevent  any possible blood clots. Finally, she will refer me to what they say is one of the best perinatologists in the state.

So basically, they will see me pretty much every week to every other week during my next pregnancy this time to make sure doesn't happen again. Comforting??? .... only slightly.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Weight loss stuggles

Weight has always been a struggle for me. I look back at my grade school pictures and I was always the chubby girl, the fat girl. I was made fun of a lot when I switched schools in the beginning of 4th grade. Knowing I was new to the school, the kids took advantage of this and would make fun of me for my weight and many other things for that matter.

Eating was always a comfort for me. When I was sad, I would eat. When I was happy, I would eat. When I wanted to cry, I would eat. It was my way of coping with feelings I couldn't handle. For the most part, my entire family is some-what overweight and I never had someone preaching about the dangers of not eating healthy or eating too much. I grew in age and I grew in weight, but much higher than other kids I was in school with.

Before meeting Ana's father years ago, I was somewhere in the low 200's (pounds). We dated for those six years and during those six years I gained almost 100 pounds. Towards the end of our six year relationship I was now at my highest weight (over 320 pounds). He knew it was unhealthy and I knew I was unhealthy and I knew I had to do something about it.

Since I'm 5'2, doctors and weight charts estimate I should weigh about 125 lbs. While I doubt I'll ever get to this weight, I knew that I needed to lose weight because I was no longer getting my period cycles. My cycles stopped for approximately 3 years and my doctor put me on medication to trigger my period because she was concerned of uterine problems.

In Oct of 2008 I fractured my hip while falling down a wet set of outside stairs. This was my breaking point. The weight and the fractured hip put me over the edge and I came to the conclusion I was too unhappy and unhealthy to continue living like this. At this rate, even IF I could have kids, I wouldn't be around to see them reach their 20's.

I looked into all sorts of ways to lose weight. I started dieting, I tried the no-carb diet, I tried the "Hollywood" diet, I tried weight watchers, counting calories, etc and nothing seemed to work. I looked into gastric bypass surgeries but I knew I wanted to conceive in the next few years and I know they don't recommend it to give time for your body to heal.

I spoke to my doctor and she started me on phentermine. When I started the medication it gave me such energy I felt like I could keep exercising until I passed out. I would go to the gym almost every day and I saw the pounds shedding off. From January 2009 until Dec 2009 I lost a total of 75 lbs. However, I had a setback and had my gallbladder removed Dec 31, 2009. After this surgery I had some severe complications which meant I wasn't able to work out and I gained back some of the weight (about 25 lbs). 

Although I was no longer on the medication, I started losing weight again at the beginning of this year and it made my total weight loss amount to 87 lbs at the time I conceived Ana.

I know that losing all of the weight was key to getting my cycles back and becoming more regular. When I conceived Ana I was getting my period every month or every other month (at the latest).

While pregnant with Ana, I gained 20 pounds in the first three months. Since I lost Ana, I have lost 12 pounds and need to lose 8 more before being at my "pre-baby" weight. Losing this weight has been a battle for me but I am trying hard (even during the holidays) because I want to try having another baby when my doc (and body) allows.

I credit most of my weight loss to walking. Lots and lots of walking and drinking water. I cut out all soda (diet or not) and this really helped me lose weight as well. I hope that I can continue working hard to lose the rest of the baby weight and continue losing more weight to hope for a better and healthier pregnancy next time.

What makes a mother?

As I'm talking to other grieving mothers, especially those mom's who only have angel babies, some have often asked: I carried a baby, I gave birth to a baby, but my baby is no longer here on Earth. Am I still a mother?

For a short time, I struggled with this question as well. But after thinking about it long and hard, I know I am still a mother. I still have a child, maybe Ana's not here, but she is still MINE. And that makes me a mother. I was sick every day with Ana. I was tired. I was bleeding. I felt her inside me and I gave birth to her. Nothing will ever take that away.

I found this poem which might help others like it has helped me. I know Ana is here with me.

What makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”
-Author Unknown.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Skyfall - Grieving Mothers

The more and more I have been listening to this song it reminds me of how us grieving mothers have come together. If you read the lyrics below I’ll explain my reasoning and thoughts being the song… (my thoughts in parenthesis) 

I know I twist the meaning of the song but it means a lot to me to know that I have other moms to lean on that have gone through the same thing I have and are feeling like I do.


This is the end                              (feels like the end of the world)
Hold your breath and count to ten  (feels like all we do is hold our breath wishing our babies would come back)
Feel the earth move and then         (feels like we’re spinning out of control)
Hear my heart burst again              (thinking about our babies… our hearts hurt so badly knowing they are not coming back)

For this is the end                                  (feels like the end of the world)
I've drowned and dreamt this moment     (We’ve downed and had nightmares since our losses)
So overdue I owe them                    
Swept away, I'm stolen                          (you were swept away, you were stolen)

Let the skyfall                                  (Let the sky fall)
When it crumbles                             (Let the world crumble)
We will stand tall                             (We want to stand tall, but can’t)
Face it all together                           (We’re going through this together)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall
At skyfall

Skyfall is where we start                                          (The loss of our babies is how we met)
A thousand miles and poles apart                              (We’re thousands of miles away)
Where worlds collide and days are dark                     (We met during our darkest times)
You may have my number, you can take my name     (We will talk, we will listen)
But you'll never have my heart                                  (Our babies will always have our hearts)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

(Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall)

Where you go I go              (We’re walking similar paths)
What you see I see              (We’ve been through similar losses)
I know I'd never be me        (I  might not make it)
Without the security
Of your loving arms              (without someone like you guys to lean on)
Keeping me from harm         (Keep helping me with my thoughts and emotions)
Put your hand in my hand     (Like you’re holding my hand)
And we'll stand                     (And we’ll make it through this, together)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

Let the sky fall
We will stand tall
At skyfall

Thursday, November 22, 2012

...Thanksgiving? Thanks for what?

Today I feel quite bitter. I've been anxiously awaiting today, because Ana's father would have told his family that "we" were expecting. He wanted to wait until his whole family was together to tell them all about our baby. He wanted to wait until he knew the sex of the baby and could announce it all together. We would have known she was a girl on the 15th of November. Today, he would have told everyone that we were having a precious little girl.

We didn't know we would have lost her before we got the chance to tell everyone. A day I was looking forward to my whole pregnancy, now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I haven't even seen my family yet, but I just don't want to. I don't want to be asked how I'm doing and if everything is alright. I don't want to be asked if I'm feeling better, I don't want to hear about other family issues or excitement. I just want my baby back.

I was looking forward to his family knowing about the baby. I feel like they missed out on the "good" part of my pregnancy only to be greeted by her death. What a way to find out I'm pregnant... when told that I lost the baby. I'm angry about it because they never got to know I was pregnant. I'm angry because they don't get to experience the happiness I felt. I didn't get to share it with them.

It's been just over a month and the large wound doesn't seem to be closing. I'm trying to stitch it up and close it, but I feel like it will always be a sore wound. She was my first, my only. The miracle I've been asking God for, for years. And when I finally get her, she's taken so soon. She's taken before she even gets a chance to live.

So this year I've lost my grandfather, who I was really close to, and also my baby, Ana. Death has brought it's face around too many times this year, including my room mates father and his grandfather as well. This is four close deaths in 2012. This just makes me want 2012 to end that much faster, but I know next year will not be easy either.

So this year, I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for. While I should be happy that I'm still living, a part of me wishes I was eternally with my daughter. A part of me will never be the same. I've struggled and come so far, only to have the only thing that I care for ripped out of me.

I am thankful for the support of the many friends and family that have surrounded me in this time of grief. Without my family and friends, I know I would not have made it through this month. Without the support of my friends and family I would not have been able to pull myself together to finish my last semester of school.

... and I'm thankful this year is almost OVER.

Monday, November 19, 2012


So I found out that one of my teachers gave me a B+. Most people would be happy, except for the fact that I was expecting an A. I am a straight A student. I've worked very hard for my grades and for myself. Even after losing Ana I've struggled with getting back into what is now my "normal". This teacher has been really flaky from the beginning.

First, before the first class even started she was supposed to hold an "orientation" and assign any homework that may be due for the first class. She never communicated with us so we didn't do anything. Upon the first class she hand's out a syllabus that told us we had stuff due that day. She said she didn't know she was supposed to be there, and was on vacation. Whatever. She rearranges the assignments adding/changing what she felt she needed to. No problem.

I lost Ana on a Sunday, and had sent out an email letting my instructors know what happened and telling them I was not going to be in class, etc. I never received a response from her. I asked her why and she said she didn't know what to say... that's all. Wow. Okay. Since I missed the final class she gave me an extension on the final project and final paper, asked for it within a week. I said I can do that.

I sent her emails asking if I had anything else missing and also sent her my assignments. No response. I asked her and she said she would let me know the next day. I waited. No email. I followed up with her again, she said "grades are posted". I was like, REALLY? This is what she said.

The group insurance plan paper was worth 15%.  You received an A.
The RFP was worth 55%.  You received an A.
The weekly chapter questions were worth 20%.  One paper had 17 out of 20 questions correct and the other and 3 out of 5 correct.  
Class participation was 10% of your grade.  You received half credit for class participation.
In total - your grade was a B+.

Please let me know if you have any additional questions.

I asked her how she can justify the half credit for class participation. This infuriates me to the point where I am so glad I don't have to return to that school after this semester. She is the freakin' director of HR and she lacks such people skills I could scream.

Thanks, b****, for hitting me when I'm down. I don't deserve that grade and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe you confused me for one of the other TWO Melissa's in the class. You can GET BENT!!

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Music? To help sooth my soul...

My heart has been broken before, but not like this. No mother and father should ever have to go through the loss of a child, no matter what stage in life. I've always liked music which I could relate to... and lately I've been seeking out music as a way to help sooth my soul. I've started a playlist of songs which I feel like I can relate to right now. I'm including the link below and will continue to update this playlist as I find additional songs.

While some songs may not be about the loss of a child, I can in some way relate what I'm going through to what the words are saying. I hope this can help someone else heal from their loss as well.

One Month...

I'm sitting here thinking about the last month and how it has changed my world forever. The events in the last month have almost broken my faith, almost broke myself into pieces. I feel as though I'm so empty without my baby inside of me. I feel so empty knowing that there is no longer an April due date to look forward to. It still stings.

I lost Ana a month ago today. It kills me inside to know that she will no longer be here on Earth with me, but I have to think as though I have an angel watching over me now. I know she doesn't want me to hurt. I know she would want me to be happy and to move on and complete things that I've been working so hard for. But it seems as though I have this heavy weight on my heart that will not be removed even when I accomplish these things.

In the last month, I have come to realize the most important things in life. Such as life itself. There were four major losses this year. I lost my grandfather who I was very close to at the end of March. My room mate lost his father at the beginning of July. I lost my Ana on Oct 21, and just days later my room mate lost his grandfather. It's a tough year and God is calling home some of the greatest people in the world. There will never be a way to replace these amazing and special people.

I'm blessed to have the chance to hold my child, even if it was for a short period of time. I'm blessed to have been able to spend that time with her even if she had already left this world. I just wish her father would have been there. I wish he got the chance to hold her, I wish I would have let my parents hold her. I'm glad I was able to get some pictures of her, I'm glad I was able to get her footprints from the funeral home. I'm blessed to have the memories that I do have of my daughter. I will always remember her.

I also picked up Ana's ring yesterday. I love it. It's just what I need to remember my angel.

This month has not made things easier. I went to a bridal shower yesterday and towards the end I saw a newborn baby girl and a ball formed in my throat. I tried choking back the tears but it just didn't work and it stung inside. I saw how happy everyone was over the new baby and it just stung that it wasn't mine. That I don't have my baby here on Earth, that I won't get to show her off to the people I love the most. At least, not in person. I can only do this through the memories I have of my sweet Ana.

I'm working on getting back to my pre-baby life... only without the baby. This is still very hard for me to come to terms with. I struggle each day knowing that I lost something I will never, ever get back. This is worse than breaking off a friendship, or a relationship after years. This is life, something you will never get back, never get a second chance at. All I can hope is during the short time we had together that she has grown to love me as much as I love her.


Thursday, November 15, 2012


Today was a very hard day for me. I went to visit Ana earlier today and left her a single pink rose. It was beautiful, just as I imagine my baby is. I've been having a really hard time grieving lately and a friend shared this song on my Facebook page that just had me in tears. Thank you, Tanya, I can't tell you how badly I needed to hear something like this right now. I am posting both the think for the song and the lyrics below, as I find myself asking this every day.!

Plumb - Need You Now (How Many Times)

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

My first letter to Anabelle


Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I anxiously started my wait to find out your gender. Some people would crack jokes saying, "with how sick you are, it MUST be a girl", or "the heartbeat is high, that's likely a girl". Even my doctor joked about the indications that you would be my little girl. While it really didn't matter what gender you were, the whole family looked forward to knowing what I was having. After I knew the gender it would be time to start buying items for your arrival.

Today would have been the day we found out we have a precious little girl. The girl we all dreamed of. Both of your grandma's wanted a little girl so bad. When your father and I first started dating, his mother would tease me about when I would give them a grandchild. She wanted a baby girl since her other son just had a little boy. I always dreamed of having a little girl, to dress up, to take to dance and swimming lessons, and to brush and style her hair. I wish I got the chance to do these things with you.

I wish I got the chance to hold you again, the chance to hear your first scream. The chance to see your first smile, the chance to hold your hand. There were so many things that I planned for you that I will never get to experience with you. I'm lucky to have had the chance to hold you in my arms, even if it was just for a short time. I will always hold you in my heart.

Today also marks three weeks since we laid you to rest. Today I have asked your father to draw me my first tattoo. Those who know me well know that I am not one for pain, or any type of needle. However, for you I will do anything. I will do anything to have your memory with me at all times. This memory is important for me. You are important to me. I hope you know that.

While I will never experience all those "firsts" that I want to. You will always be my first. My number one. Dance, baby, dance.

With love,


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Nobody Knows It But Me...

While I know there are people out there that feel the way that I do... this song gives you a good idea of how I'm feeling right now. I know nothing will bring her back but I love her so much and I keep thinking... what if I insisted to the docs to do more? What if? Would she still be here? Would I still have my baby inside me?

Wish I told her how I feel,                        (mama told you she loved you every single day, and she still does)
Maybe she'd be here right now
but instead... 

I pretend that I'm glad you went away       (I could never do this)
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show                  (especially right now)
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say           (to the doctors, to the nurses, to my friends to get me to ER)
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down                    (it sure feels like it)
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside 
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three                           (often I'm up thinking about you late at night)
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me        (I hope you still hear me from heaven)
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still            (forever and ever Anabelle Luz!)

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

oooo oohhhhh yeah

Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Dreading Thursday November 15th

I've been anxious lately about how I'm going to handle Thursday, November 15th.

This was supposed to be one of the best points in a woman's pregnancy... one that I've been looking forward to since the day I found out that I was pregnant... it would have been the day we found out the gender of our little baby. I scheduled the appointment so that both Ana's father and my mother could be there.

Ana's father, all of Ana's grandparents wanted a little girl. While it really didn't matter what gender the baby was, deep down I hoped it was a little girl too. And, especially after trying so hard I was afraid this would be my only chance of having a child. This thought still crosses my mind since I know I have to undergo other procedures to check my uterus before getting the "OK" from the doctor to try again.

This Thursday also marks the 3rd week since I buried Ana.

This stings knowing that these days fall just 3 weeks apart. Now, instead of going to the doctor appointment for my ultrasound, I'll be going to the cemetery to visit her grave. I've been thinking about this day for the past week and the stress and anxiety has been building on me and building on me. I counted down the days until I went to this appointment and now I'm wishing the days would just stop and give me some time to catch up.

Thursday... how I dread you... I have to get past you but I know it won't be easy. I have class on Thursday and I am just praying that I will be able to focus on what I need to accomplish and then have a nice visit with Ana's father at her grave site. You'd think after three weeks that this pain would start easing, but it really hasn't.

Another way of healing...

I have several things from my pregnancy of Ana's that I want to scrapbook these items for a memory of her. I am not always the best at keeping things in a safe location, so I think it's best that I start on this now. I want to use my anger in sadness in ways that I can express myself, but in the best possible light I can.

I used to create my own makeup... and I haven't done this for quite some time. I think I might make a collection of eye shadow colors for myself in memory of her. I'll even save some in small bags and put them in the scrapbook. I need to heal. I need to find ways to keep myself busy too, because the more I sit and think, the sadder I feel.

I miss her so much it hurts. Lately, I've felt so numb. Numb to the point where I can't even cry. I am trying to suck everything up and finish school and try to do what was expected of me before Ana. This is hard. This is very hard for me. Today I took one of the tests I missed while I was so sick in the hospital. While I won't know how I did for awhile, I hope I can keep my good grades. I feel all this pressure on my shoulders and until I get these things done, I don't feel like I'll fully be able to grieve the loss of my little angel.

I know Ana would want me to finish school for her and any future siblings she might have. Most of all, I know she would want me to finish it for myself since I've worked this hard to get there. The days are winding down and I want to make sure everything is in place so I will have my diploma and can move on to the next step in my life.

I WILL do this for her!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Routine? What routine?

Before I knew I was pregnant I scheduled my final semester at school with plans to graduate in December of this year. I piled on the last of my classes and told myself that in the end, it will all be worth it. I took 20 credits again this semester which is almost twice what the average student takes. I made the mistake of procrastinating on some of the harder classes that I just didn't want to take until I absolutely had to for my degrees.

I'm in school for human resources and business management. I started school in January of 2011 and have been a straight A student throughout my entire enrollment. I started my last semester of classes in late August shortly after I found out I was pregnant. While I was nervous at first, I had faith in myself that I could finish school and have time to prepare for baby after the holidays were over.

During my pregnancy I was really sick and some days I barely wanted to get out of bed. This made my semester at school very difficult since there were days I couldn't focus in class or was so sick I couldn't even attend class. I still did my best to apply myself in each of my classes and as of right now, I have completed two classes this semester with A's.

After I lost Ana, I was very sick and hospitalized the day after I left the ER. After I was released I had to prepare for my precious girls funeral and recover from the infection they were treating me for. I missed almost two complete weeks of school now which has been very hard for me. I just can't seem to get back into my pre-pregnancy routine which I was very strict with. Now, there's days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I've attempted a few classes, but I just can't seem to focus on what the instructor is teaching. My mind starts to drift and I lose focus on the instructor and start thinking about so many things. I had to leave in the middle of the class last week because I couldn't stop crying. I felt like everyone was staring at me and no one had any clue what was going on. I felt so alone and overwhelmed I packed up my items and left.

I'm also supposed to be attending an internship this semester at a local plumbing company. I let him know by phone what happened with Ana and let him know I would be out of the office for awhile. I tried returning to talk to him about making up a new schedule because I just didn't think I would be able to focus for such long periods of time, but it seems as though he is too busy to contact me.

In a way, I want to get back to my normal "routine" as fast as possible so that I can keep up with school and my internship and get a sense of myself back. However, it hurts so much each day knowing that the things I'm doing are without my baby inside of me. After having such an intense loss, I feel like I don't know what normal is anymore. I feel guilty for moving on and doing the things I should be doing because I'm living and Ana's not. I feel such an immense pain inside of me and it's hard to do anything anymore.

There were so many things that I was planning after my graduation to plan for the baby. All of my plans that I made started revolving around this child I was carrying. Now, all of these plans are gone. I am still planning to graduate in December, but then what? This period of time I was looking forward to, I now dread so much.

I know I need to get back to school and finish my classes, but I also want to make sure that I am able to continue the quality of work I performed before I lost Ana. I want to make sure I'm not sitting at school taking my math final and start balling in the middle of it. I've told my instructors and most of them are very understanding about it... but I just can't get myself there.

I wish so much that the things I were doing would lead up to the birth of my daughter as planned. The fact that this will not happen leaves me feeling anxious and sad about the future. Now, I have to start making new plans in place of what I would have done when having her. This also makes me feel guilty.

So what should I be doing today? I should probably be attempting to get back to my normal "routine". But again, today just hurts so bad that I'm not sure I'm ready to do this.

This week was a week I've been looking forward to for a long time...

Sunday, November 11, 2012

To the Mother of My Child's Brother...

I do not know how you accessed my personal Facebook page, since you are not a friend of mine and my page is private. I do not have my Facebook public for many reasons. One of these reasons includes the fact that those people who are not allowed access to my page are simply not wanted in my business or in my life.

1.   I do not appreciate the fact that you took it upon yourself to either hack into my account or hack into an account belonging to one of my friends then start drama in Ana's father's life.

2.   Ana's father originally left me for you. He should have known better when you were still living with your boyfriend when you guys started seeing each other. What did you do? You got pregnant, had a baby, and could have had a great life with the father of your child.

3.   YOU left him. YOU chose to date another man and move on with your life. I am not responsible for your actions and your current life situation.

4.   It is no longer your business who Ana's father is seeing. Whether it be me or any other woman.

5.   I am the mother of your child's sister. Nothing will ever change this.

Finally, I do not appreciate you adding unnecessary drama in either my life or Ana's father. After what both of us have been through after losing Ana, you have some damn nerve going though our life like it's YOUR business!

What comes next?

So I've been thinking a lot about what's to come next. The doctor said that before I try conceiving another baby that they want to perform a sonohysterogram. This procedure is to see if I have a septum in my uterus. After doing further research online, I've found out some things that are quite concerning for me.

As for the procedure itself, they gave me a prescription they want me to start a week before the procedure to "relax" or "open" my cervix. During the procedure they insert saline water into the uterus using a catheter. This allows the doctors to look for abnormalities inside my uterus. However, they will not do this procedure until after my first period and since I've never really had a "normal" menstrual cycle, who knows how long it will take for that to happen.

That means not only do I have to wait to try for another baby again, but that there may also be something else wrong with my body which may need to be fixed to improve my chance of having a successful pregnancy. I read that if I do have a septum in my uterus, removing it can improve my chances of having a successful and hopefully full term pregnancy.

To remove the septum I would need to have surgery. This surgery would most likely be minimally invasive, but could cause bad cramping and heavy cycles afterwards. While I know I want to know what's wrong, or what may better my chances to have a child, I'm very afraid of having another surgery since the last one I had caused so many complications. I'm also worried that this will only push out my chances of having another child further and further since I'm already approaching 29 and only getting older as each day goes by.

I guess the only thing I can do right now is focus on getting my weight back down to where I want it to be and remain as healthy as I can in the mean time. In the years leading up to Ana's conception, I lost a total of 87 lbs. I need to lose another 8 pounds then I will be back at my pre-baby weight. Hopefully, the weight loss will continue past that because I know that with each pound I lose, the better chances I have for a safe and healthy pregnancy. I need to ensure that I can do whatever it takes to get my body ready to try again when that time is right.

3 Weeks Today... Ana's Ring

Well, as of today it's been three weeks since I've lost my Anabelle. I feel as shitty as the weather here today. Most of the day it's been overcast and cloudy, and the sun really just didn't make it out. The rain started in half way through the day and continued the rest of the afternoon and evening. Days like today are especially hard because I spend too much time thinking about things that "could have been".

I tried to keep myself busy today to keep my mind off the fact that it's been three weeks already and I feel like I should still have a baby in my belly. I should still be preparing for what I'll need to do to prepare for a baby. But I know now that this just isn't going to happen. It just hurts so bad to know that Ana isn't here.

I decided today would be the day I purchased Ana's ring. I decided that I wanted to get a mother's ring after Ana passed so I could always wear something to remember her with. While I've gotten three amazing necklaces which each have significant meaning for Ana, I wanted something that has the birthstones of Ana, Ana's father, and myself.

I finally found the ring I wanted, a three stone princess cut white gold ring with diamond accents. When I saw it, it just felt so right and I knew I had to get it. Ana'a father's birthday is the same as hers, therefore they both have an October birthstone. I was born in June. The birthstones are simulated since I don't want to use opal (Oct), pearl (June), and opal (Oct). These birthstones will be Rose Zircon, Alexandrite, and another Rose Zircon.

This is a picture of the ring that will be my way of remembering my daughter. This ring was purchased with a combination of money donated from Ana's funeral and the rest as a gift from my parents as a graduation present. This ring means so much to me I just can't wait to get it. I was told I should have the ring by Thanksgiving, but it's guaranteed to be here for my graduation on December 1st.

This ring is the only thing that has brought me hope today. I haven't spoken with Ana's father in days and for some reason that bother's me. Especially since today mark's the third week of her passing and I could really just use someone to talk to. I hope that he comes around one of these days and starts opening up to me a little bit.

While tomorrow's weather is supposed to be much colder, I have hope that I am able to go visit her grave. I've only been able to bring myself back to her grave once since her burial, and it's been killing me. I am also waiting to see when her headstone will be placed into the cemetery. I'm hoping it happens before the ground gets too cold and hard.

I've felt like crying often today. Just a surge of emotion comes over me and I get a ball of "emotion" stuck in my throat. I've had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights as it seems my mind is just racing with things I feel I still want to/need to do. I want to make a scrapbook of the things I do have from my pregnancy (the wristband from my first ultrasound, the ultrasound pictures, the pictures of her, the pictures from the service, her cards, etc). I also feel like this will be another way of me healing, and preserving her memory.

I love you so much Ana. Mommy misses you and thinks about you almost every second of every day. <3

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Differences in grieving

There certainly is a difference in grieving between man and woman. I've noticed Ana's father doesn't like to talk about it much. When we see each other he's asked me what's wrong and, while I know he's not trying to make me upset, I think to myself, "what the hell do you think is wrong with me?? WE just lost OUR baby!!"

He's been quite silent about the whole thing, choosing to spend time overworking himself in the gym to the point that he's injured himself twice now since Ana's passing. I feel like this might be his way of grieving but I also don't want to see him hurting from Ana but also hurting himself physically which may end up lasting a life time.

For comfort I was carrying around the white bear that was in Ana's flower arrangement. He told me, "You know Mel, you're gonna have to stop carrying that around sometime." I thought to myself... why is he being so cruel? Why isn't he talking to me about these things? Why does he want to pretend like everything is ok?

Maybe it's because he already has a son. Maybe it's because it hurts him too much to talk about it. Maybe it's because it hurts him to see me in so much pain. He's told me how much it hurts him to see me upset and crying. Maybe that's just the way he wants to handle it. But I can see how much it's affecting him too.

I want to talk about it, remember her, share her story, share my story. I guess that's why I've started to write this blog. I want to get my feelings out in some way that is healthy and sane. I can't constantly be mad, I can't constantly be sad, I do have to pick myself up a little at a time and get back to a normal and healthy life. It just seems like every day is a constant reminder of what I've lost.

The blood each day, any baby I see, each baby e-mail I get, each baby or child friend's update on Facebook, just gives me a stinging feeling in my chest and a tear in my eye. Sometimes more than just one tear, sometimes its more like a water show. I know I have to let it out somehow, but it seems like it comes at the most random times. Right now it honestly is a roller coaster of changing hormones and overwhelming emotions that I sometimes just can't control.

I've got to get it out. I just have to. It's been years since I've picked up a pen, or in this case typed, for myself. I used to do it when I was a teenager and was going through some hard times and depression. It made me feel better to get my feelings out on paper. So this time I'm getting my feelings down for not only my own healing but perhaps one day for someone else's healing.

My questions... no answers

So as time goes on I've not only had time to talk to friends and family about what has happened, but also my OB. When I saw my OB the first Monday after I gave birth to Ana, she asked me questions like, "did they do an ultrasound?" and "did they check your cervix?" Both of the answers are no.

When I went in on Saturday, they checked for her heartbeat with the fetal tone monitor and we were able to hear her. Her heart was beating. But when I told them I could count the time between "cramps" they never checked to see if I was having contractions. They never did an ultrasound to see if something was happening with the baby. They never even called an OB doctor down to talk to me.

On Sunday, when I was bleeding so much, why didn't they call an OB doctor down right away if the ER doctor couldn't attend to me. Why did they wait until after I gave birth to even make contact with the on-call OB doctor? After losing my baby and losing so much blood, why was I released from the hospital/ER?

How could they not tell that I was in labor on Saturday? If I truly was in labor and there was "nothing they could do about it?" Why did they release me in the condition I was in? Why didn't they check things?

When I asked the hospital for answers they tell me they will "check on things from a quality standpoint" but they would not release any results of this to me. They told me if I had questions I would have to file a claim with the liability company's of each ER doctor. I had just lost my baby and my anger has only grown with the hospital after the birth of Ana. This was the second time at this hospital that I've had something "go wrong". The first time was complications from a gallbladder surgery in 2010.

Aren't there ways to stop contractions once they've started? Isn't there a way to tell if a person is even having contractions? I am a first time mom and these questions are all so overwhelming for me to think about. I've heard of medications that have prolonged pregnancy terms but... how long do they work? Would this have been something that I could have had treatment for?

They claim I had some type of infection that didn't show up in my blood work or in other form until after I gave birth to Ana. So what was this infection? And why did they treat me for a UTI infection on Friday if the culture results came back on Monday saying I didn't even have one?

Why was I released on Sunday after I had lost so much blood? I fainted, I couldn't even walk out of the hospital. I just have so many questions in my head that I'm at this point feeling like I will never get the answers to.

Anabelle's funeral

On Thursday, October 25th, 2012 we held Ana's funeral at Westgor Funeral Home. The visitation was at 10am, the funeral was at 11am, and we buried Ana next to my grandfather who passed this March right after the service.

The service was very hard for me, it felt as though I couldn't breathe. My eyes stung from the tears, my nose dripped constantly. It hurt so bad to know that I was at a funeral for MY BABY. It's hard enough going to a service or a funeral for another family member, or a friend. It's always hard, but it's especially hard knowing that you should have had your precious child, no matter what the age.

Most of my family attended, the father's family attended, and numerous great friends that I've had throughout the years. Without the support of these people I just don't know where I'd be right now. We were able to contact the funeral home and the florist in time to change some of the previous arrangements since I was originally told I was having a boy.

The lights were dim, her casket was about the size of a box of mac n' cheese. There were lots of pink and white flowers, The large assortment of white and pink roses from my parents, white roses from one friend of the family, lily's from another, and carnations that looked so pretty. With Ana's father at my side and my family close by, I attempted to pay attention to what the priest was saying.

The priest we chose was the priest from Ana's father's parent's church. Since I haven't went to church in a long time I really didn't have anyone who would be able to speak at the funeral. I didn't want a stranger I was going to meet the day of Ana'a funeral, so I figured this was going to be my best choice for some officiating.

After the funeral was the hardest part, as we went to her place of burial and placed her next to my grandfather. It stung my heart knowing that my child was in the box that was being forever put into the ground. Ana's father scooped the first pile of dirt that was laid onto the casket. I wept. I screamed out, "MY BABY!" I fell to my knees and felt as though I lost the most important part of me. Each of Ana's grandfather's shoveled a pile of dirt into the grave and my heart ached. I felt so empty even with everyone standing around me.

After the burial those who could, had a small lunch at my grandmother's house. While this was a nice time with those who really care about me, I not only wasn't feeling well physically, but certainly not well emotionally. As the day ended, I went back to my mother's house to rest, but it seemed like I couldn't sleep for days.

The afterbirth complications

As soon as I left the ER I started getting chills. I was so cold I was fully dressed with socks, shoes, and three blankets on me and I couldn't feel my toes. When I took the pain medication I warmed up for an hour or so, but then slowly started getting cold again. I had a follow up appointment with my OB the following morning and did my best to hold on until that morning.

When I went to see my doctor Monday morning she was shocked at what had happened. She took my temperature and drew some blood. She said I had a temperature of over 101 degrees and my blood count was dropping. I felt very sick, like I did after my gallbladder surgery (long story). She told me she consulted with another doctor and they would not let me go home, that I had to be admitted to the hospital.

Because of the trauma of my experience in the ER at Theda Clark, my doctor admitted me to Appleton Medical Center. She put it orders and sent me down to the hospital. By the time I got to the hospital around 2pm my fever was 102.6 and the chills wouldn't subside. Because of an error, the hospital had problems reading my chart and could not access orders and I sat at the hospital with no medical care for over two hours. I had to call the nurses myself and have them call the hospital with the orders so I could get the care I so desperately needed.

Tuesday evening, after more blood tests and 24 hours of antibiotics, they determined I needed a blood transfusion because I lost over half of my blood. This was also the time the doctor came in with the results of the autopsy stating I did not have a baby boy, I had a baby girl. Again, I was practically hysterical as all of the arrangements we have made up to this point were made for a baby boy. The obituary, the flowers, the announcements made to family. I was again, traumatized.

I made a deal with the doctor that if I undergo the blood transfusion that they let me go whenever it was finished (late-evening, early-morning) so that I could continue making the necessary arrangements for by baby girls funeral. I was released about 10:30 pm Tuesday night.

The birth of Anabelle Luz

On the night of Thursday, October 18th I started having cramping in my lower abdomen. Something just did not feel right. Because I've never been through labor before, I didn't know this was the start of the contractions I would be having over the next few days. The cramping slowly got worse. While my regular OB wasn't in the office on Friday, I made an appointment to see another doctor anyway.

The doctor that I saw took some labs and diagnosed me with a urinary tract infection (UTI). She started me on an antibiotic and said that she was running a culture and would get the results back on Monday. I went home and tried to get some rest. However, Friday night I was in quite a bit of pain and started vomiting. I was to the point Saturday morning that I hadn't been able to keep any food or water down. I wasn't able to take the zofran or the antibiotic that they gave me the other day. The cramping was to the point that I could time it... 4 to 5 minutes apart.

Saturday October 20th, I went to the ER around 11 am. I told them the symptoms I've been been having and that I haven't been able to eat or drink anything, including my medications. I told them that the cramping was 4 to 5 minutes apart. I explained how bad I was feeling and they did some blood work and checked for the baby's heartbeat with the fetal tone monitor. The baby's heart beat was about 170, which was slightly elevated but they were not concerned. They gave me an antibiotic, anti-nausea medication, a pain medication and then released me.

Saturday night I called the nurses at my OB's office. I explained to the nurse how bad the cramping was and that I could barely stand it. Since my pharmacy was already closed, she sent in a prescription for Vicodin to a 24 hour pharmacy which I went to get. She told me that if I took the Vicodin and the pain didn't feel better after an hour that I should return to the ER.

I took the medicine right before 7pm that night and by 8 o'clock I had no relief. I was laying in my bed crying. I asked my roommate to take me back to the ER but he had plans with someone to go to a haunted house and wanted me to watch his son. Another one of my friends said that I could drop my room mates kid off and she would watch him, but couldn't take me to the ER because she was babysitting. I was in no condition to drive myself to the hospital and so I called my mom. My mom told me that pain was normal during pregnancy and I just needed to suck it up. After sending a text message to one last friend, and the fact that she was unable to drive me to the ER, I gave up and tried to sleep.

I was 16 weeks when I woke up at 1:00 am Sunday October 21, 2012 to go to the bathroom. As I went to the bathroom, I felt something "pop". I looked down and the toilet was full of blood. I freaked out, woke my room mate and had him take me immediately to the ER. I later found out that I had just lost my mucus plug. By the time I got to the ER I was losing clots of blood the size of my hand. I was put in an ER room and was told I had to wait for a doctor because an ambulance had just arrived.

My parents came into the ER room shortly after, and were by my side during the rest of the traumatic morning. A nurse came in to talk to me and I told her how much blood I was losing. I told her as I was sitting on the table and I said... "I think my water just broke". She said it's ok and asked my parents to step out to clean off the table and to clean myself off. As I stood up to clean myself off, I put my leg up on the table and my daughter came out, in my hand, stillborn.

I screamed. I could hear my mom screaming through the door if I was alright. I remember crying and screaming at the nurse. I remember the amount of blood that was draining down my legs and onto the floor. I remember my heart sinking. And then the thought... today, October 21, was the father of my child's birthday. I fainted. I think I might have been sitting down but I fell to the floor. There was blood all over the room and all I could do was cry. The nurse then told me I had a baby boy and asked if I wanted an autopsy or any type of testing done. I said I did, because I want to find out why such a thing has happened.

I remember waiting for the doctor. After the doctor came in he said he was finally calling down the OB and that I should just wait there because they needed to see if the placenta was going to come out of if I needed surgery to remove it. I remember him coming in and the feeling that he was being very insensitive because he kept saying he was sorry over and over again while ripping, scraping, cutting, whatever he was doing to remove my placenta. I screamed. I cried. I was mad because it physically hurt and I was mad because my heart hurt.

Shortly after removing the placenta the ER doc came back in and released me from the ER. I was released about 6 am while I was still bleeding profoundly. The doctor prescribed some medications that would supposedly stop the bleeding and I went home to process what had just happened. I was so numb I couldn't even take it in what had just happened. I did not sleep. I didn't do much but sit in the chair at my parents house and cry. It hurt so bad that I just could not do much of anything.

My pregnancy

On Monday August 13, 2012 I went to my doctor to have a pregnancy serum test taken because I still was shocked that the over the counter pregnancy tests were positive. My regular doctor drew my blood and told me that I was indeed, pregnant with my first child.

Just two days later, I started bleeding. While it was light bleeding, my doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was scary because they would not let me see the screen or tell me anything during the ultrasound. I remember being so scared that something may be wrong. The ultrasound tech saw how upset I was and while she wasn't supposed to, she did let me hear my baby's heartbeat. I cried. I was so happy things were looking good so far.

Every day I was sick. I would wake up puking and have no energy throughout the day. Each night I was falling asleep early and falling behind on my housework because my homework and school took up most of my time. I was struggling each day to do just my daily activities. I knew that sickness was common in the first trimester, but I didn't think I would be as sick as I was.

On October 5th, I started bleeding again and I went into the office for another ultrasound. This time the ultrasound tech was able to show me the pictures she was taking and I was again able to hear the baby's heart beat. I measured 9 weeks and 3 days and the heartbeat was 167 beats per minute. I wept at how happy I was watching this little piece of life growing inside me. How amazing it is to have a baby inside of me. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed with happiness that I couldn't even explain in words.

Because of the puking and the sickness, I made an appointment on October 9th, and finally asked for some help with the nausea and vomiting. I was past the 12 week point, closer to 14 weeks, and my doctor put me on zofran which certainly helped the nausea and vomiting every morning. I took one each night and didn't wake up sick in the morning. I was slowly starting to feel better physically and each day I was waiting to feel the first kick, the first movement. I knew it was early but all I could do was hope.

Before Anabelle

Anabelle Luz is now my angel baby. Ana was born, still, on October 21, 2012 between 1:30 and 2:00 in the morning. Being my first child, this has been a very devastating experience for me. I chose to open this page to channel my feelings, write to her, and possibly help others who are going through the same thing I am right now.

I was in a 6 year relationship until April of 2008 with the tall, dark, and handsome man I've dreamed of since I was in 3rd grade. During this time we tried conceiving a child but with my weight gain, poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), and lack of a menstrual cycle, we were not able to. The relationship ended with him leaving me for another woman, who was a newer friend of mine. Until the beginning of 2012, we stopped all contact with each other. Honestly, I wanted nothing to do with him after how our relationship ended.

In January I was at a friend's house who was a mutual friend of his, and he just happened to be there. At first it was quite awkward... I had a crazy rush of emotions. I had just broke up with my short-term boyfriend at the time, and he recently broke up with the woman he left me for. I was in a good point in my life, I recently had lost 87 lbs and physically I felt great. I was in my 3rd semester at school, and had just decided to double major in both Business Management and Human Resources. While I was not working, I took double the credits traditional students do to ensure I could graduate by the end of the year. I felt strong, secure, and ready to talk to him again.

We spent a night talking about things that have happened since we last talked. We talked about how he felt after his girlfriend left him. We talked about him having a son. We talked about my last boyfriend and my current situation. We talked about how I felt when he left me. I gave him advice, told him to be strong, and that he would eventually get over her. All things take time, and I told him it would get easier as it goes on.

After that night we gradually started spending time together. Most of the time it would be a Sunday evening movie and a short chat afterwards. However, one thing had led to another and one night he kissed me. Those feelings I had from years ago started rushing over me. I couldn't resist anything else from that point. As we made love, it was amazing and I had given him back a part of me that I thought I never would.

As time went on, we began spending more time together. From movies, to taking his son to the park, to just talking for hours... it's like we never spent time apart. Something happened and I just couldn't resist myself in the time we spent together.

I started feeling ill in August. Every morning I woke up I would feel nauseous. My boobs ached and I was so tired I barely wanted to get out of bed. This was abnormal, and I started to question what was happening with my body.

On August 12th I took four over the counter pregnancy tests and found out I was pregnant. I was shocked. I wasn't expecting this because I thought I wasn't able to have kids after trying for so long with him in years past. I knew he was still getting over his last woman leaving him the same way she left the last one for him. I knew he wasn't quite ready for another child. I knew I was ready for a child and ready for whatever might happen once I told him.

I told him we needed to talk and asked him to call me. I told him, over the phone, that I was pregnant. He was shocked and didn't have much to say. For a few weeks we didn't talk much... didn't even text. But once he was ready, he text me and said he was ready and willing to have this child with me. I was excited. I knew he was a good father by watching him with his own son.

At this time, I had just started my final semester of school. I took on a heavy load not knowing that I would be pregnant at the time. I juggled 23 credits while finding myself an unpaid internship at a local plumbing company. I knew it was just a matter of time before everything fell into place and my life would be happily on its way.