Thursday, October 10, 2013

Capture Your Grief

October is most commonly recognized as breast cancer awareness month. Before I lost Ana I had no clue that it was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) awareness month as well. To tell you the truth, I never thought about a mother losing a child. In my eyes, every woman should be blessed with a child. Little did I know that 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a child.
For the the first few months after losing Ana I literally felt lost. Like I was standing still day after day and the world was just passing by. I felt like I didn't fit in, that no one wanted to talk to me: that no one understood the unbearable pain I was enduring. I hate the feeling of being alone... the feeling like everyone is looking at you and they want to say something but they don't know what to say so they turn away before you notice them. I knew I just couldn't feel like this anymore.
I started writing. I wrote down how I was feeling, no matter how bad it felt. The purpose of it was to be true to my heart and to tell someone... anyone... or even just the piece of paper I was writing on. What I was doing was capturing my grief, day by day... or sometimes hour by hour.
In the immediate days surrounding my loss, I could barely function. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about all of the "what if's". Instead of sitting there I picked up a pen and started writing. It's been important to me to get the word out about my loss. I've become active in the Stillborn and Sleeping Babie Support Group on Facebook and eventually becoming an administrator. Doing so helped me begin healing my ever-so-broken heart. But being an open ear to other mothers going through the unthinkable has also helped me feel like Ana's memory will live on forever.

In memory of Ana, this month I am participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2013 Campaign. While I have a late start, I will finish this project for myself and for my daughter. If you'd like to participate, don't put pressure on yourself to do a subject each day. Feel free to pick and choose the ones you'd like. But I will be posting here, starting with #1.

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