Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Random hard days

The other day, Monday, to be specific, I went to see Ana. I was emotional and just had a strong urge to go see her. It was cold so I sat in the car and cried. I called her father and asked if he's been there to see her since the last time we went. He said no. I got upset. To me, it felt like he doesn't want to remember her.

After all the things I've been observing lately I just don't know how to take it. I don't know if it's the cultural difference (I'm as white and American as they come, he's of Mexican descent). I don't know if it's because he's a man and they grieve differently. I don't know why there is such a difference between grieving and remembering. I just don't know. But all of this got me so overwhelmed and so mad.

Her headstone wasn't in place yet and that made me mad. I know it's winter but dammit I at least wanted to see it. So I left her grave and went to the monument place we purchased her headstone at. I was in tears. Could barely talk. He remembered who I was and took me back to the room where her headstone awaited. He again told me that he wasn't able to put it in while the ground was frozen so we had to wait. But I just sat there crying. So many things ran through my head. How in less than two months I should be holding my baby, but instead I'm awaiting the placement of her headstone on her freaking grave. It just kills me inside.

I keep getting mail about baby registries and baby magazines and when I get the mail I just want to burn it. I can't open it. I can't look at it. I try to ignore it. Sometimes, I just don't get the mail because I'm afraid there will be another reminder of my loss. My emptiness. My Ana. I love you baby. I will never forget you! You will ALWAYS live on in my heart.

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