Thursday, February 21, 2013

Four months

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Ana. It seems like closer and closer to her due date makes me more and more anxious. I'm grateful that I have a vacation to look forward to or I think I might lose my mind. I've been trying to put my focus on the vacation and not on being sad. I know she doesn't want me to be sad. I know she's up in heaven having a great time with both of my grandpas. I know she wants me to focus on feeling better but it seems like I'm finding my comfort again in food.

After I lost Ana I immediately lost her "baby weight". But since I lost her, I have gained the 30 lbs back and I'm at the weight that I lost her at. I'm disappointed about this because I've been trying to hard to lose weight before I got pregnant and since I lost Ana I've been gaining weight. I'm disappointed that I'm leaning on food as my comfort when I know I shouldn't be.

I miss her tremendously. It hurts that I can't talk to her father about her. I can't bring her up because if I cry he will shy away. I can't help it that I cry when I talk about her, I am and always have been an emotional person. I can't change that. But I want to talk about her. I want people to bring up her name. To remember her.

I want to say it out loud. I want to tell people about her. About what she should have been. About how great she was and how I looked forward to her every moment I was pregnant with her. I found out one of my friend's girlfriends is due the day before me with a little girl. She constantly complains about how she feels and that this will be her last child and blah blah blah. I think to myself, I WISH I WERE FEELING WHAT YOU ARE! I'm dying inside not feeling kicks, not feeling her inside me moving around. BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!!!

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