Day 21 - Sacred Place

It's been three years since you've come and gone so quickly. It's been 3 years since my world has come crashing down around me. It's been three years since I've held you. It's been three whole years. It seems like a lifetime, an eternity without you.

It's only fitting that on her day I visit her special place. I went there to clean up her spot, to release balloons and bring her flowers. It's the harsh reality that instead of holding birthday parties... I decorate a grave.

When I took a closer look through this pictures I noticed something... never seen it before. Have you? What are your thoughts? Please scroll through.

Anyone see something in this picture? What are your thoughts?

What about this picture?

Day 15 - Wave of Light

Today has been an emotional day. I know that these feelings get stronger the closer I get to her "day" but man I keep thinking as the years go by that this will get easier... but it doesn't. This is the 3rd year I have participated in the Wave of Light. This year, I also requested her father participate with me since we weren't going to be together this evening. He sent me pictures of his candles and I lit Ana's candle on my mantle and just sat to reflect on how much I miss her, how far I've come, and where I want this grief journey to take me.

 My mantle is lit up for my sweet Ana.

From her father. <3 With love.

Day 12 - Normalizing Grief

I often feel like a "Debbie downer" when I mention things about my loss or my daughter. It doesn't have to be on Facebook, but even in person. When I say her name or mention what happened to her, the silence grows so thick you could suffocate on it. More often than not, people don't want to hear about your loss or your child.... but for some, especially those childless mothers, it's hard not to think about them and talk about where he/she should be right now.

I want people to understand I don't talk about her to make them uncomfortable, I'm talking about pregnancy loss and awareness because I didn't know it could happen to me. I didn't know anything could go wrong after that 12 week mark. Little did I know the warning signs, what was normal, what was not. I would take anything for someone to say "maybe you should get checked out to be on the safe side".

So next time I mention Ana, or bring up pregnancy and infant loss, it's because I want people to be aware that pregnancy loss does not discriminate. I want to bring to them awareness. I don't want your pity, I don't want you to be upset. I want you to be aware.

I am 1 in 4.

Day 11 - Glow in the Woods

While I know the subject for this was aimed in a different direction, here is my glow in the woods. Watching sunsets make me feel a little bit closer to Ana. I like to think she's helping paint the sky with such beautiful colors.

Day 7 - Memory

Day 7 - Memory

I was pregnant for 16 weeks. During this time I have many memories of her, but I think the best memory I have was bringing her father this ultrasound. He couldn't make it to the appointment, and I think he might have still been a little in shock that I was finally pregnant after all those years of trying.

I remember him sitting on the front steps to his porch when I brought him the envelope and let him open it. He pulled out the pictures and he smiled such a smile that I still remember it to this day. I wish I captured that on video.

Here's one of the pictures. One of the only pictures I have of her. My sweet Ana.

Day 5 - Empathy

Empathy Vs Sympathy

When you understand and feel another person's feelings for yourself, you have empathy. It’s often spoken of as a character attribute that people have to varying degrees. If hearing a tragic news story makes you feel almost as if the story concerns you personally, you likely have the ability to empathize. You have to be able to put yourself in their place and FEEL their emotions.

When you sympathize with someone, you have compassion for that person, but you don’t necessarily feel her feelings. If your feelings toward someone who is experiencing hardship are limited to sympathy, then you might have a sense of regret for that person’s difficulty but are not feeling her feelings as if they’re your own. Meanwhile, sympathy has broader applications that don’t necessarily have to do with one person’s feelings for another. You can sympathize with a cause, for instance -- breast cancer, or with a point of view that resonates with you.

I'm going to be blunt here... but it's close to impossible for someone to empathize with a bereaved mother unless they too have lost a child. You might be able to give sympathy or support, but to really be able to understand or know what a mother who has lost a child feels, you have to have been put, tragically, in her shoes.

I want you to know I don't want you to empathize. I want you to sympathize. I know that it's hard to imagine (and I would have never imagined) this happening to me. But what I want you to do is to support me and speak her name. I want you to "like" posts in her memory. I want you to never, EVER, have to feel the pain I feel every day.

Day 1 - Sunrise

October marks another year without Ana. This is my third year celebrating a death instead of a birthday. With empty arms I still grieve. Nothing will ever compare to the loss of her early that bitter cold morning. I wish for nothing more than to hold her again.

I woke up this morning knowing the cold was upon us again. I lost her in the early hours of the morning and I will never forget coming home that Sunday morning and watching the sun rise.

Alone. 

Numb.

In that time it seemed like the world just stood still. I sat in the chair and rocked back and forth. I was hot, then I was cold. I was living a nightmare. Everything was lost in that morning that I dreamed of for her.

I lost so much that morning... a part of me that I will never get back.

Facebook's "On This Day"

I haven't posted anything in quite some time. I log in and check my blog often, but seem to have had some writers block lately.

The dreaded month is coming up....

Facebook keeps reminding me of it. It reminded me of the joy I had when finding out I was pregnant, it reminded me of how many tests I took when I found out I was pregnant... I took so many leading up to getting pregnant and they were always negative. So when I took the first one and it said positive, I was sure that it was wrong. I took pregnancy tests every time my cycle was late due and it was always negative. This time I had to retest, again and again. I took 4. They all were positive.

Facebook reminds me of the scares I had with the bleeding. How I called my doctor at every sign that wasn't normal. It reminds me of the sickness. How I miss the morning sickness, the sensitive nose, the feeling of something growing inside of me.

Facebook reminded me of my first ultrasound. The first time I went for an ultrasound and how the lady wouldn't tell me anything about my baby. I laid there on the cold table through the whole ultrasound while she was taking pictures in silence. Scared. Hoping she would reassure me that everything was alright. I had to wait until the doctor came in to tell me that everything was all right.

Facebook is going to remind me of everything. Some may say it's a bad thing. Some may not want to remember those things. But, for me... it's all I have. I am still childless with empty arms. All I have and know of my daughter only lives on through my memories... and the posts I have made on Facebook and this blog.

So, to me... while it's sad and breaks my heart every day that I don't have her here... I am glad that I do have Facebook to remind me of those days that I DID have with her. Those exciting times of doctor visits, ultrasounds, morning sickness, and gaining weight for a good reason. I will treasure these memories forever.

Ana's Due Date

I never thought certain dates could create such an emotional mess out of me. I'm approaching what would have been her due date again and I feel terrible inside. I feel my anxiety rising and my muscles getting tighter by the day.

April 7th... the day that represents so much of what "should have been". April 7th is the day I would have been due with Ana. I just can't get my feelings out right now... oh anxiety.