Back from vacation... back to reality

I am back from my paradise vacation in the Caribbean. I had the most wonderful time. I spent every day in the ocean with beautiful weather and bright blue skies. I couldn't have asked for a better time.

However, now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am having a hard time coming back to reality. Reality is, I am not going to have a baby any time soon. Reality is I need to find a job. Reality is my baby is not coming back. Reality is her due date is less than a month away, and for most people will just come and go as another day. However, I'm finding it very difficult transitioning from fantasy back to reality.

Since I lost Ana the days seem to speed by. It seems like just yesterday I buried my daughter, but in reality it's been almost 5 months. Where have those months gone? I had graduated in December, but where is the job that I've been longing for? Where has time gone?

It's back to reality... my new reality without my baby.

You're not ready for a child anyway

You're not ready for a kid anyway

My mother is usually the one yelling at me to think before i speak. Well this time i can't even explain how hurt i am by how she told me I'm not ready for a kid yet anyway. It's less than 20 days away from my would-be due date and those words have hit me like a dagger to the heart. Mom and i were taking about a situation with Anas father and i explained how i was upset. I told her how at this point I'm glad i don't have a kid with him because of all the mean shit he has said to me on this trip. Her response: You're not ready for a kid anyway.

My heart sank. The tears instantly started running down my face and it felt like the wind was knocked right out of me. I was hyperventilating. I thought... Of all people how could my own mother say something like this to me. After all, she of all people should know how much I wanted to have Ana. How much i wanted my baby and STILL DO. To hear her say that just broke me to pieces and i ran out of her room crying.

Not only was Anas father being mean, so was my mom. Im sorting here crying on a boat in St. Kitts with no where to go. I'm stuck on this trip which i thought was going to be sooooo different. I thought that maybe this would be where things were rekindled... But instead it shed light that this guy really doesn't care about me or the child we had together.

Then to top it off... What my mom said just made me furious. I just don't know how people can say what they do to someone they know had a broken heart. Ana was and still is my everything and always will be. Mama loves you Ana. Mama loves you.

Ana's father

What a shitty turn. Ana crossed my mind for awhile i was sad thinking about her. I tried taking to Victor about it but he just did not want to. He said how can he miss someone who was never here. So it's clear to me he didn't care and probably never will. She will never be as much to him as she was to me. That kills me. Now he doesn't want more kids he doesn't want to think or talk about her is like she never existed. It crushes me because I wanted her so bad and it feels as though he could care less. I want to talk about how much she means to me how much i love her how much i wanted her.... But apparently not with him. I give up. I guess him and I were not meant to be. I have been shying away from him the past few months because after several conversations he said he doesn't want to be with me he wants to be single and live his life as he pleases. I feel like i will never have my dream family. I will never have the children i so desperate wanted. He said why do i make it out to be "him" well he is the one who will not talk to me about her. A part of me wishes i would have called him to the hospital when i first went in. A part of me wishes that he would have seen and been present for what i went through when i lost her. Part of me wishes he knew what it was like to hold your dead baby that you wanted so badly to be alive. But then i think... does he even deserve to be called her father???

I should be... but I'm not

I should be eight months pregnant, but I am not.
I should be preparing for a child, but I am not.
I should be buying baby clothes, diapers and wipes, but I am not.
I should be awaiting my first baby shower, but I am not.
I should be looking at a swollen tummy, but I am not.
I should be feeling the kicks and jabs in my womb, but I am not.
I should be painting a nursery, but I am not.
I should be packing a hospital bag, but I am not.
I should be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby, but I am not.
I should be eight months pregnant, but I am not.