Thursday, March 21, 2013
What a shitty turn. Ana crossed my mind for awhile i was sad thinking about her. I tried taking to Victor about it but he just did not want to. He said how can he miss someone who was never here. So it's clear to me he didn't care and probably never will. She will never be as much to him as she was to me. That kills me. Now he doesn't want more kids he doesn't want to think or talk about her is like she never existed. It crushes me because I wanted her so bad and it feels as though he could care less. I want to talk about how much she means to me how much i love her how much i wanted her.... But apparently not with him. I give up. I guess him and I were not meant to be. I have been shying away from him the past few months because after several conversations he said he doesn't want to be with me he wants to be single and live his life as he pleases. I feel like i will never have my dream family. I will never have the children i so desperate wanted. He said why do i make it out to be "him" well he is the one who will not talk to me about her. A part of me wishes i would have called him to the hospital when i first went in. A part of me wishes that he would have seen and been present for what i went through when i lost her. Part of me wishes he knew what it was like to hold your dead baby that you wanted so badly to be alive. But then i think... does he even deserve to be called her father???