Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ana's headstone and due date

I can't begin to explain the emotions I had leading up to Ana's due date. It was almost as though I was regressing through my grief. I was angry about everything. I didn't want to hear about anyone's child, didn't want to be around any children. I didn't want to go to ANY store that had children's items, or perhaps a newborn child. I felt like EVERYWHERE I went there was a constant reminder of what I had lost.

For the first time in about a month and right before her due date, I went to her grave. My anger grew when I saw that her headstone was not put in yet. Yes, it's been cold and the weather hasn't been perfect, but it's already April and the ground has thawed and it's not swampy and muddy.... why isn't her headstone in? So I'm sitting in the cemetery and I called the place immediately and asked about her headstone. First, he asked if I was at St. Mary's Cemetery. I said no, she's at Resthaven. Then, he tried to give me an excuse that the ground was wet and "flooded". I told him that I was at the cemetery and that she is on a hill and that the ground it sturdy. I was so angry I started crying. I almost screamed at him. I told him Ana's due date is April 7th (a Sunday, and I was calling on the 6th, a Saturday) and that I was really hoping that she would have her headstone by then. He said he couldn't do it by Sunday but that he would do it Monday.

I went to visit her on her due date and I left her a single while flower. White for her innocence and her purity. Ana's father went there with me and we had time to ourselves to mourn. We had time to think about her and took time to remember that she would have been here on or before that day. That she should be here in our arms but instead she is in heaven. It was a very hard day for me. 

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