Since I've lost Ana I have reached out to several different groups for grieving mothers. Some of them are particularly for stillborn or sleeping babies, some of them are for mother's who have lost children at all ages. I want to say that 99.9% of the mother's I have met have been inspiring, supportive, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and there for me and other mother's 100%. However, there were two particular instances where I've been perturbed by.
The first being a few days ago when I posted on my Facebook page about how Ana's headstone still wasn't in place. A girl, who I have talked to a few times before, told me that I should have gotten Ana cremated because I would "have her faster and closer". I was somewhat thrown off by her comment as I'm sure she didn't mean any offense but it seemed like almost a direct "matter of fact" you should have done this type of comment. I responded by telling her that I am comfortable with where she is at since she's next to my grandfather and that we each choose the best for their children. Well, it sparked a slight debate because some moms took offense to it (like I did slightly) and the she deleted me. I don't think she realized that she was the one that told ME what to do with MY child. But nevertheless, it was my fault (apparently).
The second was a lady that told someone that she should not me posting pictures of her dead child on Facebook and that it was disturbing. Well this is just down-right awful. First off, the pages we are using is created for mothers who have lost their children of ALL ages. Each child is beautiful no matter what and it was very cruel for this woman to say that she should not be posting pictures of her dead baby on Facebook. Does she realize that this may be the ONLY picture we have of our precious children? Just because she lost her child after she had a chance to KNOW him/her doesn't mean the loss is any less. It's a terrible loss that NO parent should have to go through and for her to tell us who we can and cannot share a picture with is just horrible. We didn't get a day to see our child breathing, we didn't get a child to hold for more than an hour or two. We didn't get to know what our children were like and this may be the only thing we have of our CHILD. You can remember the good, the laugh, the eyes, the smile, the voice, WE DON'T GET THAT. Our memory may be that of just a simple picture and for someone to tell us that we should be ashamed... well listen lady YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!
A loss is a loss, none bigger or less than another. And I'm proud to say that for the most part I have met nothing but WONDERFUL, SUPPORTIVE men and women and I am so grateful to have met them. They help me know that I am not alone and that I am stronger than this and I will get through it. When I am down, they help me up. I don't know what I would do without these women and I will be forever grateful to them. If out of all of this bad, I have one good thing, it is that of the group of angel mom's I have met after losing Ana. If anyone out there is reading this and needs support, needs someone to talk to, please let me know. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
NOBODY gets to tell you what you "should" do. We chose cremation because it was right (as "right" as these awful choices can be) for our family. Other families make different choices because that is what is right for them. Just like when you get to raise your children on earth, you get to make the decisions that are right for you.
ReplyDeleteI find it extra-disappointing when fellow bereaved mothers say hurtful things to each other.
YOU get to choose whether you post your daughter's photos, and you get to choose which photos you post. It isn't up to anyone else, and if they can't say anything nice then they should, quite frankly, STFU.