Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Graduating in honor of Ana

December 1st was a bittersweet day. It was the day I've been waiting for, for two years. I enrolled at the school two years ago in the Business Management program and last year I decided I wanted to double major in Human Resources. So, I took heavy loads to fulfill the required credits and classes in only two years.

In spring of this year I took 21 credits. 12 credits is considered full time. Over the summer, full time is considered 6 credits, I took 9. This fall I took 20 credits. I've been working hard to keep up my 4.0 GPA to graduate with honors, even after my huge loss in October. I'm part of the national honor society. I graduated with honors on December 1st. These are all things that I should be VERY proud of... but a part of me feels so sad... so empty.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ana, I knew I had to work extra hard to finish this final semester of school. I was constantly sick: nauseous, puking, tired. It was so hard for me to pull myself out of bed each morning to get to my classes. Some days I was in school from noon until almost 10pm. I did this for Ana, knowing that all I needed to do was finish this last semester and then I can plan the life I've dreamed of with my child that I've always wanted. I was so excited for December to get here so that I would be able to start buying (and planning) for the baby.

During my graduation ceremony I was numb. There were so many people that filled the PAC that it was hard to find anyone you were looking for. The bright lights shining in my face just added to the distance and the numbness that I was feeling. I had one of my best friends sitting right next to me, and I was surrounded by classmates. But I felt so alone. I felt as though I was missing the biggest, most important part of me: My baby. I know she was there with me in spirit (because I didn't trip in my heels in front of the large crowd) but I just feel like she should still be here in my belly with me, physically.

I know Ana would be proud of her mommy. I know she's in Heaven smiling at me. But it still hurts so bad that she's not here with me. That I feel like December means nothing anymore. I  feel so sad about everything that has happened in the last two months that I just don't know where to start my life anymore. I thought I had everything planned out... and it turns out, I don't have anywhere to start.

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