Monday, December 10, 2012

What's left?

School has been winding down, I graduated December 1st, I have a few more classes to finish but this only takes me out of the house on Tuesdays and Thursday mornings. I feel as though I am not doing anything with my life. I am not pregnant anymore, I am barely going to school, I'm not working... so what is there to life?

Since everything is slowing down I feel as though it's hard for me to figure out what to do with myself on a day to day basis. While I have a possible part time job lined up, and a full time offer in customer service, it's just not what I want to do. I feel as though I am missing such a huge part of my life that I just don't know what to do. I feel like I find myself bored and either eating or sleeping. I know this can be signs of depression, but I still make it out of the house to see my friends and do the things I "need" to do.

So... where do I go from here? What do I do? What's left to life? I would like a rainbow baby but I don't want Ana to think that I'm replacing her. I don't want to go through this again. But what do I want? I want a baby... a family. I want what I've always wanted. I just wish I had my Ana here with me. I haven't cried as much as I have today... in days. I still haven't put her scrap book together and I've been putting it off because I don't want to "finish" it.

I've been trying so hard to "stay strong" and to "get over it". The fact of the matter is... I am NOT strong and I will NOT get over this. The sharp, stabbing, throbbing pain in my heart will never go away. The pain might lessen, but it will always be there. She will always be a part of me that is missing and is not here where I feel she should be. But that's just be being selfish. I know she's free of pain and other bad things that Earth here has. I almost feel selfish wanting another child. I feel like... I'm losing myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment