Holi-daze...

It's that time of year again. The time to be happy and jolly before the long winter's rest. It's time to be thankful for what we have, a time give back to others in need. It's a time to remember Christ, our family, and what really is important to us.

This year everyone already has their Christmas tree up, their decorations, their shopping is done, etc. They are way ahead of me this year. While I usually don't start shopping until the end of November, it's almost Christmas now and I still have no tree, no decorations, and I certainly haven't bought any gifts yet. It's not the money, more the sad and empty feeling I have doing it without Ana.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate and put up decorations. Just after Christmas I would be preparing for the arrival of Ana. I would be planning my baby shower, buying stuff for baby. I don't have any of that now and it brings me a lot of mixed feelings. I feel empty, alone, sad and overall just have a tremendous feeling of something missing. It's hard to think that it's been almost two months since I lost Ana and I don't know what I'm going to do in the following months without her.

I feel like the last few months have gone by in a blur. I haven't been able to fully-function in two months and I'm not sure when I will be able to again. It seems like I just do what other people tell me to do and hope I make it through another day. While I try to keep myself busy with running around and helping out my family, I still feel lost without direction.

I don't like being asked what I want for Christmas. What I want, I do not have. Nothing will be able to fill this empty void I have without Ana. I know it will get easier, as I'm only two months into my grieving, but at the same time, I really hope it's soon.

I need to snap out of this daze I'm in...