Tuesday, January 1, 2013

First Christmas without Ana

Well the days leading up to, and shortly following Christmas seemed to be harder than I had expected. It hurt to know that people returned the baby items to get me personal gifts for Christmas. It hurt to know Ana's father wouldn't be around as he was visiting his family in Chicago. It hurt to know I Christmas day marked 2 months since we laid Ana to rest.

I decided that I should try to attend my holiday functions to hopefully stop myself from feeling so sad. I went to Christmas with one side of my family the night of Christmas Eve, but brought my room mates son to keep some distraction from the sadness I was feeling. He kept me busy, but didn't stop the tears from shedding. I sat to the side, kept to myself and excused myself early as I wasn't feeling up to the Christmas "spirit".

Christmas morning I woke up mad. I got into an argument with my room mate and I'm not sure if it was because of how sad I was feeling and I was acting out, or if he really bothered me to the point that I needed to lash out like I did. I felt so lonely and so sad without Ana inside my belly and looking forward to the last short (or some say long) months before delivering my first baby.

I went to Ana's grave and I told her how much I love her, her father loves her, her whole family loves her. I cried and told her how I wished she were here with us but I know that she's in a great place and that, for some reason, God needed her more than I do. This is such a hard concept for me to believe but I have to have something to hold on to, some kind of faith or belief that she was so special that she needed to be with Him.

The rest of Christmas was again, what I would call numb. I shed a few tears but it hurt so bad inside that I couldn't even cry. I just sat there and wished that my baby was still in my belly. I'm glad that my mother was hosting this year's Christmas, as I needed some type of comfort and being in her house was the closest I could get.

I can't complain about my gifts, I got great gifts. But the greatest gift I had this year was my child. My Ana, my baby. I got a camera which I wish I got to use to take those first picture of her, to show her off to the world, to ooooh and awweee over my child. I don't get to do this. It hurts. It stings. It takes the breath away from me knowing I will never have these moments with Ana.

1 comment:

  1. This was my first christmas withought my little girl as well. It was so hard because i had already bought her a bunch of stuff. My family was supportive but expects us to be ok it's only been 5 weeks and 2and a half before christmas... I know you pain and hope you are doing ok...