First "real" AF

Well, here it is. Just 2 days after the 3 month anniversary of my loss is what I will consider my first real period (AF). After the sonohysterogram I bled for so long I didn't know if I was having my period or if it was complications of bleeding from the procedure. According to my tracker on Fertility Friend (FF) I had a 64 day cycle, and almost 24 straight days of bleeding. This does not include my post-partum bleeding. So, as you can say, I'm sick of seeing red.

However, I some-what welcome AF as I know that my body is working properly. For a long time, I didn't get my period and therefore was unable to conceive. I now hope that after all of this my body will get back on track and (hopefully) soon I will see a rainbow :) I started tracking on FF to hopefully narrow down my ovulation. Wish me luck and baby dust!

How I miss you (3 months)

I miss you so much Ana. I'm alone and thinking about what I wanted for you. The little things that would have brought so much joy to me. Your first cry, your first smile, your first giggle, first step, your first everything. I miss you with every breath I take. It pains me that you're not here in my belly. My belly should be getting round, growing bigger with each month.  I should be feeling your kicks, your turns, your wiggles. I miss you with every beat of my heart, which beats for you. You were only with me for a short time, you will always be in my heart. I miss you with every second that passes by, without you here with me. I miss you with every tear that I shed, knowing I will never have a chance to know you. You never got a chance at life. It's so unfair. I miss you with every part of me and it hurts so much today.

Anger

Since I've lost Ana, my anger has really gotten out of control. I mean, REALLY out of control. I seem to find myself screaming and crying for no reason. Something so silly and so stupid will make me mad and then it all goes downhill from there. I don't know why it's like this, I just feel so lost, hopeless, and upset and I don't know how to get my feelings out.

I've been having problems with my room mate. This is mostly my fault. If it wasn't for the way that I've treated him since Ana's loss, maybe things would be different right now. Maybe he and I would get along and we would be better friends than we are now. But it seems like bit by bit I've ruined our relationship and there's no way of fixing it.

He started seeing another girl. Yes, I'm slightly jealous. But I'm jealous because I miss the way he treated me. And it's all my fault that he wants to spend time with another girl. I don't blame him. If he treated me the way I treated him I would have been gone a long time ago. But at the same time, he's done some shitty stuff to me too. It just seems like it's gotten so much worse since losing Ana. Some of the emotions I'm feeling aren't directly related to him and I shouldn't be taking it out on him. Now it's too late.

Since losing Ana, it seems like my anger builds. Even if I scream, shout, punch a pillow... It seems like I've been holding on to more and more and just can't let go of some things. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting some of the people closest to me. But again, those closest to me refused to take me to the hospital the night I lost Ana. I can't help but still feel a bitterness inside me towards him, my mom, and my two other friends that couldn't do it for me.

I want to forgive, and to forget, but it hurts so bad that no one wanted to take me to the ER until it really was too late. My room mate went to a haunted house, my mom told me to suck it up. The other friends were too busy to take me. It hurts so bad. I should have called an ambulance. I should have just tried my best to drive myself the 5 blocks to the hospital. But by about 1 am... it was just too late.

I lost my daughter. The one thing I had so much desire for. I don't have her. My room mate will never understand. My mother will never understand. I don't even think Ana's father will ever, truly understand the ginormous loss/emptiness I am feeling inside of me. It's like a black hole. I had so many dreams for her... and now I have nothing. Nothing at all. This makes me ANGRY.

Saying goodbye again (to my room mate)

I guess I've always been "too" caring. "Too" nice, "too" loyal. I met my room mate (ex) back in late May or so of 2011. We talked, got to know each other and had a good time together. I remember our first real date. I took him to Rock USA for the first time. We had a good time, listening to the bands that I've never seen live before, having fun just messing around and enjoying the music.

At first I told him exactly what I wanted from life and a relationship. I told him I wanted kids and marriage and the white picket fence. I told him this with expectations that if we started getting serious that at least he knew what I wanted. Come to find out, he didn't want any of it from me until it was too late.

I remember when his world started spinning apart. In September of 2011 his sister's probation officer came to look for her at his house which she told the PO she was living at. She let the PO into the house and she immediately found paraphernalia that his sister said was Eric's. Eric, myself, and Eric's son, Landon, were on our way to College Avenue for their annual car show the Friday before Octoberfest. We stopped to get some food when we got the call that his house was being raided by the MEG unit and police. His sister blamed everything on Eric and, while she was arrested, he was charged with a Felony case of possession of marijuana.

I knew he was in trouble but I wanted to be by his side and we decided that we were going to move in together. Eric was working day to day jobs and really didn't have a steady source of income. He didn't get a steady source of income until my sister got him a job at Plexus through a temp agency in March. Anyway, I was stupid enough to take out a loan for the moving expenses, to pay his past due bills, and then for anything new we would need around the new place. He promised me as soon as he had a steady job that he would help me pay off the loan.

Then, I had found conversations he had with many other women and a whole Facebook profile devoted to nasty, perverted, fucked up things to other women. I still stood by his side because he told me he would change. He told me he would stop talking and texting these younger girls and women who could potentially get him in trouble too! 

Because of the situation with his sister and the PO, CPS also got involved and tried to force Eric into certain situations like just saying or admitting that it was his because it was in his house. I stood by his side through this all. I knew that he had to get a lawyer and he was refusing. His case was coming up and I knew that if he went in there he would be charged with something that could not only tarnish his name forever, but could also result in him losing any time with his child. I got him a lawyer but he borrowed the money from his mom.

He was also being sued for over $1,000 by his previous landlord for random miscellaneous things after they were the ones to kick him out (but not evict him). When we got the list I knew that also needed to be fought as they were trying to add expenses for no reason. I believe the amount they originally wanted was like $1300 and after our mediation it was settled at $270.00. I saved him over $1,000 that he would have been charged if he hadn't gone to court to fight for himself.

Even through all of this, he continued to talk to other women until January after the last time I just gave up. We weren't getting along, constantly fighting and bickering at each other over lack of trust. We separated, he moved into the other bedroom, and we said we would try working it out as friends. Now is when he started focusing on what we should have been. He started putting more effort into the house he started treating me better, stopped talking to his shitty friends. I don't know if this is because we moved and we weren't around the same young crowd  or if it's because he really wanted to change for me.

I stood by his side when all of his friends left him, went to jail, made babies with several women or whatever else the case. We all know that people grow apart from time to time and that those real friends still remain. Eric's dad had cancer and his family and friends held a benefit for him to help with medical costs and bills from his illness. Although we had just split up I went with him to the benefit to support him and his family through this rough time. His dad progressively got worse, and each time he went out there to see him I went with him to support him even though we weren't in a relationship.

As bad as I wanted to move out, I figured the timing just wasn't right. I couldn't leave him with all these problems, he had an unstable job, and his father was dying. His father was his idol, his everything. The one person he looked up to the most in the world. Most of his so-called friends were gone and he didn't have any true support. I was there for him when no one else was. 

In February we dealt with the court case from his sister and the suspected possession of marijuana. After everything was said and done, the court case was dismissed because there was no evidence it was his and not his sister's. Another victory for Eric.

In April, my grandfather passed away. While we had known it could have happened any time in the past 10 years, we really didn't expect it. He was doing well. Then, he passed away in Arizona with only my grandma out there with him. This was really hard for my whole family. We loved and looked up to him so much and now he was gone. Eric was by my side during that time and attended the funeral with me. While we were fighting, he still paid his respects and I appreciated him for that.

Since the time that the cops raided Eric's house he also started having problems with the mother of his child constantly starting arguments and wanting to tell Eric that he was not allowed to see his child and that she would possibly be giving him supervised visits instead of visits every weekend. His son is something that he cares about a lot and he felt this was not right. Finally, in June we (he) had enough and filed for an additional day so he could have him Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon. After mediation, the court ruled that he would get his extra day. I stood by his side and also was the one watching his child while he worked now.

We still were not together, he was still living in his own room. Because of all the stress, I decided in the beginning of summer to purchase season passes to Noah's Ark waterpark for both of us so that we could relax and spend some time together. It was fun, we went down there probably 8 times in the summer of 2012. Had a blast being in the water, spending time together, etc.

Since we were single, I did, go out with my ex and we did hook up in the very beginning of July. This was when I got pregnant with Ana. A day or so after Ana's conception, Eric's father passed. I stood by his side throughout everything and I was there at his father's house with him the night before he passed. While we didn't know he was going to pass, it really helped Eric knowing he was there and able to say goodbye one last time. I stood by his side because I could not imagine the pain of losing a parent. This is something that I dread so much and could never imagine how he felt. Even though we weren't getting along well (maybe due to the fact his useless "so-called" best friend moved into the house in June).

I feel like I put so much effort into this relationship and if not being his girlfriend, at least being his friend and being by his side for anything he might need. After July is when I started to see a change in Eric. Eric wanted to try working things out but after all of our fighting I just could not do it anymore. He offered to be there for me and Ana, once I had her. He was there when I lost Ana in October. Shortly after Ana's passing, Eric's grandfather passed. I was there for him as his support, but I was unable to attend the funeral as I was still buried in my own grief.

I kept telling him there was nothing there anymore. He should go out and get a new girlfriend and that maybe he would be happy. We set up boundaries for the house if/when there was a time when one of us started dating another person. We made it clear to each other that no one would be coming into "our" house. If/when we wanted to see someone else we would make arrangements so that neither of us would feel awkward. After I lost Ana, I started seeing Ana's father more. I told Eric this and he was pissed. He would throw it in my face that I had a baby with my ex, even though he clearly knew we were not together.

There's been a lot of fighting lately about stupid shit. Useless shit. And it's funny that he starts talking to a girl after New Years of this year and he goes out to his mom's house for a Christmas party and he's seeing a new girl. He comes back to the house on Sunday bragging about how he could have gotten road head from some skank he gave a ride home to. Then he started dropping hints he was "talking" to someone else but wouldn't give me any information. Fine, whatever. He's all of a sudden asking when I'm going out of town and what I have planned for each night of the current week. I told him I don't know, why? Come to find out he wanted to bring this girl to OUR house.

Even though I am talking to Ana's father, we are not in a relationship. I would tell Eric immediately if we were because I want to be honest and open with him about everything. Well, then comes facebook... "April requests the status of 'in a relationship' with you". Wow. Without even telling me. He told me he hasn't seen her in 9 years, but he wants to. Turns out he saw her the night he went out by his folks. Monday he questioned me about where I am and what I was going to do tomorrow (Tuesday). He later admitted Tuesday was her day off and wanted to bring her to the house. I don't/will not EVER bring Ana's father to the house out of respect for Eric. Apparently he doesn't have this same respect for me.

I want us all to be happy, but since he's lying and lying and lying again, I just can't trust him. He told me he wants me out of the house immediately, but we are both on a lease together and I paid this months rent. I have every right to remain in this house whether he likes it or not. This was our house and just because he has a new girl friend doesn't mean he can kick me out for no reason at all. And, on top of it all, he has never paid me back any of the money he said he would when we moved in.

I feel so used. Used as the bitch who bought him and his soon food, clothes, gas, etc. Took him to Friday night fish fries, took him to my cabin, took him places he's never been before. I feel used because he only took me out once. He never put that effort into "us" until it was too late and I was ready to move on. He never cared. He just wanted to sit around and play his video games. There were many many days where he just couldn't handle his own child and wanted me to take him with me and go out for awhile so he could have some time to himself. So I did. I did everything I could for this man. I was his support, his ear, his confidant  He was there for me, but only when I really really REALLY needed it. In other aspects, it was all too late.

Since he's trying to kick me out, since he's trying to bring this girl to "our" house, then I guess this is it. I guess this is goodbye. I will not be subjected to some bullshit liar video game junkie. I cared for him. I cared for his son. But I just CANNOT do this anymore.

Goodbye Eric. Goodbye.

What Hurts The Most... Rascal Flatts

I relate this song to my Ana. There's so many things that I will never know about her. I wish I had the chance to do these things with my daughter. This song makes me tear up every time I hear it.
What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts (link to video)
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty houseThat don't bother meI can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even thoughGoin' on with you gone still upsets meThere are days every now and again I pretend I'm okayBut that's not what gets me
What hurts the mostWas being so closeAnd havin' so much to sayAnd watchin' you walk away  (fly away)
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I goBut I'm doin' itIt's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm aloneStill harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regretBut I know if I could do it overI would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heartThat I left unspoken
What hurts the mostIs being so closeAnd havin' so much to say(Much to say)And watchin' you walk away (fly away)
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do, ohOh yeah
What hurts the mostWas being so closeAnd havin' so much to say(To say)And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do
Not seein' that lovin' youThat's what I was trying to do, ooo

Empty

I feel a complete emptiness inside. Not only in my heart and stomach, but in my soul. As I'm sitting here I'm thinking that my stomach should be swollen, I should be excited to have a little baby girl in less than three months. I touch my stomach just to be reminded that she is not there. Immediately after Ana I lost the weight I gained while pregnant with her... only to gain that weight right back. I am at the weight that I lost Ana at, and it just kills me knowing that I've gained so much weight back.

I'm empty in my heart. It hurts so in my heart. The pain just throbs. I decided not to get Ana cremated and because of this, I do not have any of her remains. All I have is her memories in my heart. But I still feel so empty.

My arms are empty. There's nothing to hold. No baby, no blankets, no toys. I do hold on to my "Ana Bear" that I got from my sister. It's a very special pink bear with an angel outfit on it. I love it so much. It's the only thing I have to squeeze since my baby is in heaven.

My house is empty. I would have had everything ready for her in the next month or so to await her arrival. Instead, my house is empty. There's no baby, no coo's, no crying. No smell of dirty diapers no dirty baby laundry to wash. As much as mom's dread this, I was SO looking forward to it.

I'm empty. So empty without Ana. I love her and miss her soooo much.

First BFN (big fat negative)

Well... I finally stopped bleeding Wednesday December 12. It felt like forever and a lifetime of bleeding and remembering the loss of Ana. It's been almost a month since I stopped bleeding and I expected to get my period soon so I took a test and got my first BFN. While it might still be too early to tell, my cycle may also be out-of-whack from bleeding for so long.

I'm hoping that in the next few months I will have the BFP (big fat positive) I'm hoping for :) Hoping for a rainbow baby in 2013! Wish me luck!

Cruisin' the Caribbean... The cruise that should have been.

I took a cruise to the Caribbean in March of 2009. While I had a lot of fun, I truly missed my significant other (Ana's father). He was invited on the cruise but was unable to come up with the funds to pay for it so my family and I went without him. During the time I was gone (one week) Ana's father hooked up with a new friend of mine. When I returned our relationship got sour and ended soon after.

Ana's father should have been on the cruise with me. I felt bad that I didn't have enough money to pay his way, but we were young and lived paycheck to paycheck... how was I supposed to pay the way for both of us? He always wanted to travel, and I did too. It was great being able to talk about our dreams together, but after our relationship ended they were soon forgotten.

When I started talking with Ana's father again I would have never expected to hook up with him again, let alone get pregnant and let all those feelings for him come back. I also didn't expect to book the cruise we should have taken together so long ago, with him.

I originally wanted to take this cruise as a graduation celebration after two long years of full time schooling. I discussed this over the spring and summer of 2012 with my sister and my mother. My mom wasn't interested but my sister and her boyfriend were. Since I haven't been working since March, I was not able to come up with the funds when my sister and her boyfriend decided to book their cruise. My mom, being the overprotective mother she is, decided my parents and their best friends would book the same cruise.

I felt so sad and upset that they booked the cruise that I suggested, without me. They often talked about it at family events in front of me leaving me with a feeling like I tried so hard just to come so close... until I found out I was pregnant and would be due just weeks after the cruise.

Once I found out I was pregnant I was relieved. It almost felt as though things truly "happen for a reason" and that the trip just truly wasn't meant to be because I would be 35-36 weeks pregnant. I was anxious that most of my family would be on vacation while I was at home about to burst with a baby, but I had a back-up plan that my aunt and Ana's father would be the ones there to take care of me if something would happen while they were gone.

But then.... I lost Ana. Since I've lost Ana I've had time to think about everything and really feel that I would like to take this cruise with Ana's father. I spoke to him about it and he said he would go so I booked it. Two plane tickets to Puerto Rico and a nice Caribbean cruise. The cruise we should have taken together years and years ago. The cruise that should have been...

I pray... by Amanda Perez

"I Pray"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8rtDrDb4oo

You know with each day that passes by, I pray to god I'll never forget who you are.
You mean everything to me.
I love you

Ooooh Ooooh
Ooh I pray

You were in my dream
Before I even knew that there was a you and me,
Now I can't wait to see your smile,
When I wake up each day,
It makes it worth while
With the kinda love you plant inside,
Specially with a heart so empty as mine.
All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss.

I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.

Everything that you give to me,
Only comes in a fantasy,
It seems like life goes by so fast,
But in this time I wanna make it last. (I pray)
I hate that we live to die,
But only God knows why (I pray)
We all have a purpose,
And to see you again it'll be worth it.

I wish that I could stop time,
I wish that I could rewind,
To the very beginning of every second of my life.
To ask God on my hands and knees,
To never let me forget all my special memories.
See I'm only promised today,
And if it's my time to go,
I don't want the love of my life to ever fade away,
So one last time
Let me open my eyes.
To see what my life used to be like.
Oh God.

I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.

Acknowledge MY child!

So after Christmas I was talking to Ana's father about our family gatherings and how they went. Well Ana's father started to mention how his mom was saying she doesn't have a grand daughter yet and asked the girlfriend of her other son when she was going to give her another child and how she wants a grand daughter.

When he told me this I almost snapped. It hurt me so deeply to hear that she doesn't have a grand daughter. Even though she isn't living here on Earth, she has a grand daughter. A grand daughter that I gave her middle name to! It hurt me so much to hear this because just two months ago I was carrying that grand daughter that we all wanted to bad. It hurts to know that she doesn't acknowledge her as her grand daughter.

I tried explaining to Ana's father why I was so upset and then told him that I would be mad if she were to get pregnant now. It made me feel so cold. So bitter. I feel bad for "raining" on their happiness and perhaps for the fact they might have another child sometime in the future but I want a child so bad and I wanted to be the one to give his mother her grand daughter.... why does he have to tell me this?

I want people to acknowledge my child. I want people to know that she is STILL my daughter and always will be. I want to talk  about her and I want YOU to talk about her. I don't want this to be some "in-the-closet" topic. Yes, it might make me a little sad and I may shed a tear but deep down it makes me happy that you're remembering my Angel, my sweet, sweet Ana.

First Christmas without Ana

Well the days leading up to, and shortly following Christmas seemed to be harder than I had expected. It hurt to know that people returned the baby items to get me personal gifts for Christmas. It hurt to know Ana's father wouldn't be around as he was visiting his family in Chicago. It hurt to know I Christmas day marked 2 months since we laid Ana to rest.

I decided that I should try to attend my holiday functions to hopefully stop myself from feeling so sad. I went to Christmas with one side of my family the night of Christmas Eve, but brought my room mates son to keep some distraction from the sadness I was feeling. He kept me busy, but didn't stop the tears from shedding. I sat to the side, kept to myself and excused myself early as I wasn't feeling up to the Christmas "spirit".

Christmas morning I woke up mad. I got into an argument with my room mate and I'm not sure if it was because of how sad I was feeling and I was acting out, or if he really bothered me to the point that I needed to lash out like I did. I felt so lonely and so sad without Ana inside my belly and looking forward to the last short (or some say long) months before delivering my first baby.

I went to Ana's grave and I told her how much I love her, her father loves her, her whole family loves her. I cried and told her how I wished she were here with us but I know that she's in a great place and that, for some reason, God needed her more than I do. This is such a hard concept for me to believe but I have to have something to hold on to, some kind of faith or belief that she was so special that she needed to be with Him.

The rest of Christmas was again, what I would call numb. I shed a few tears but it hurt so bad inside that I couldn't even cry. I just sat there and wished that my baby was still in my belly. I'm glad that my mother was hosting this year's Christmas, as I needed some type of comfort and being in her house was the closest I could get.

I can't complain about my gifts, I got great gifts. But the greatest gift I had this year was my child. My Ana, my baby. I got a camera which I wish I got to use to take those first picture of her, to show her off to the world, to ooooh and awweee over my child. I don't get to do this. It hurts. It stings. It takes the breath away from me knowing I will never have these moments with Ana.