I feel a complete emptiness inside. Not only in my heart and stomach, but in my soul. As I'm sitting here I'm thinking that my stomach should be swollen, I should be excited to have a little baby girl in less than three months. I touch my stomach just to be reminded that she is not there. Immediately after Ana I lost the weight I gained while pregnant with her... only to gain that weight right back. I am at the weight that I lost Ana at, and it just kills me knowing that I've gained so much weight back.
I'm empty in my heart. It hurts so in my heart. The pain just throbs. I decided not to get Ana cremated and because of this, I do not have any of her remains. All I have is her memories in my heart. But I still feel so empty.
My arms are empty. There's nothing to hold. No baby, no blankets, no toys. I do hold on to my "Ana Bear" that I got from my sister. It's a very special pink bear with an angel outfit on it. I love it so much. It's the only thing I have to squeeze since my baby is in heaven.
My house is empty. I would have had everything ready for her in the next month or so to await her arrival. Instead, my house is empty. There's no baby, no coo's, no crying. No smell of dirty diapers no dirty baby laundry to wash. As much as mom's dread this, I was SO looking forward to it.
I'm empty. So empty without Ana. I love her and miss her soooo much.
Melissa, I understand this emptiness. It is a hole that encompasses your entire being and a hole that will never be filled. If I had to sum up my first few months without Carson - it would be just that - empty. It also amazes me, how we parents of angels can grieve and receive peace in many of the same ways though we have never met or even talked. I also have a special bear that I have with me always and I call him "Carson Bear." He has been a comfort and a companion during this almost year since losing Carson. Thank you for sharing this and thank you for commenting on my blog. Others will find a healing in reading your words.
ReplyDelete