Saturday, January 19, 2013


Since I've lost Ana, my anger has really gotten out of control. I mean, REALLY out of control. I seem to find myself screaming and crying for no reason. Something so silly and so stupid will make me mad and then it all goes downhill from there. I don't know why it's like this, I just feel so lost, hopeless, and upset and I don't know how to get my feelings out.

I've been having problems with my room mate. This is mostly my fault. If it wasn't for the way that I've treated him since Ana's loss, maybe things would be different right now. Maybe he and I would get along and we would be better friends than we are now. But it seems like bit by bit I've ruined our relationship and there's no way of fixing it.

He started seeing another girl. Yes, I'm slightly jealous. But I'm jealous because I miss the way he treated me. And it's all my fault that he wants to spend time with another girl. I don't blame him. If he treated me the way I treated him I would have been gone a long time ago. But at the same time, he's done some shitty stuff to me too. It just seems like it's gotten so much worse since losing Ana. Some of the emotions I'm feeling aren't directly related to him and I shouldn't be taking it out on him. Now it's too late.

Since losing Ana, it seems like my anger builds. Even if I scream, shout, punch a pillow... It seems like I've been holding on to more and more and just can't let go of some things. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting some of the people closest to me. But again, those closest to me refused to take me to the hospital the night I lost Ana. I can't help but still feel a bitterness inside me towards him, my mom, and my two other friends that couldn't do it for me.

I want to forgive, and to forget, but it hurts so bad that no one wanted to take me to the ER until it really was too late. My room mate went to a haunted house, my mom told me to suck it up. The other friends were too busy to take me. It hurts so bad. I should have called an ambulance. I should have just tried my best to drive myself the 5 blocks to the hospital. But by about 1 am... it was just too late.

I lost my daughter. The one thing I had so much desire for. I don't have her. My room mate will never understand. My mother will never understand. I don't even think Ana's father will ever, truly understand the ginormous loss/emptiness I am feeling inside of me. It's like a black hole. I had so many dreams for her... and now I have nothing. Nothing at all. This makes me ANGRY.

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