Thursday, January 10, 2013

Cruisin' the Caribbean... The cruise that should have been.

I took a cruise to the Caribbean in March of 2009. While I had a lot of fun, I truly missed my significant other (Ana's father). He was invited on the cruise but was unable to come up with the funds to pay for it so my family and I went without him. During the time I was gone (one week) Ana's father hooked up with a new friend of mine. When I returned our relationship got sour and ended soon after.

Ana's father should have been on the cruise with me. I felt bad that I didn't have enough money to pay his way, but we were young and lived paycheck to paycheck... how was I supposed to pay the way for both of us? He always wanted to travel, and I did too. It was great being able to talk about our dreams together, but after our relationship ended they were soon forgotten.

When I started talking with Ana's father again I would have never expected to hook up with him again, let alone get pregnant and let all those feelings for him come back. I also didn't expect to book the cruise we should have taken together so long ago, with him.

I originally wanted to take this cruise as a graduation celebration after two long years of full time schooling. I discussed this over the spring and summer of 2012 with my sister and my mother. My mom wasn't interested but my sister and her boyfriend were. Since I haven't been working since March, I was not able to come up with the funds when my sister and her boyfriend decided to book their cruise. My mom, being the overprotective mother she is, decided my parents and their best friends would book the same cruise.

I felt so sad and upset that they booked the cruise that I suggested, without me. They often talked about it at family events in front of me leaving me with a feeling like I tried so hard just to come so close... until I found out I was pregnant and would be due just weeks after the cruise.

Once I found out I was pregnant I was relieved. It almost felt as though things truly "happen for a reason" and that the trip just truly wasn't meant to be because I would be 35-36 weeks pregnant. I was anxious that most of my family would be on vacation while I was at home about to burst with a baby, but I had a back-up plan that my aunt and Ana's father would be the ones there to take care of me if something would happen while they were gone.

But then.... I lost Ana. Since I've lost Ana I've had time to think about everything and really feel that I would like to take this cruise with Ana's father. I spoke to him about it and he said he would go so I booked it. Two plane tickets to Puerto Rico and a nice Caribbean cruise. The cruise we should have taken together years and years ago. The cruise that should have been...

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