Monday, October 6, 2014

Capture Your Grief Day 4 - Now

Day 4

Who am I now? I'm a childless mother. I have empty arms, no baby to kiss, no child to snuggle. I miss everything about Ana. From my boobs hurting to my morning sickness to my pants growing to the point I wore sweatpants. I'm 50 pounds heavier and my cycles have stopped again (for the most part).

I miss the old me, the one that would work heard to lose weight and be on track to becoming something better. I miss her, who instantly started making me a better person and mommy. I miss her so much some days it still hurts like yesterday.

This picture, no matter how hard I tried to smile, still captures the pain and emptiness in my eyes. (And the fluffiness from the weight gain)

Gone are the days of innocence. Gone are the days of thinking every pregnancy ends with a baby. Truth is 1 and 4 pregnancies does NOT end with a baby coming home. When I see pregnancy announcements I say a prayer for each one - hoping that it would NEVER end up like mine. Unfortunately, this happens too often and too many parents are sent home without their precious baby.

I am working towards information and support. Right now I think the best way would be to continue in the schooling to become a Doula. It would mean the world to me to be able to help support women through a healthy pregnancy but also to help those who might not be able to bring their baby home with them.

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