Day #30 - Growth

This one is hard for me because in some ways I feel like I regressed. I want to believe that my daughter had a higher purpose but it hurts me so bad not knowing why she had to leave. Why MY daughter? I see the world now as a fragile place; pieces of glass being held together by paper Mache (money). I see others as naive… but also just as broken as I am.

This one is hard because I feel like I'm moving on without her. I know she doesn't want me stuck in 2012, dwelling on her loss. I know she wants me to be happy. I know she wants me to give back. In reality, I've grown a lot. In stead of moving on I'm living her memory. I want to keep her memory alive in the things that I do. This will also bring awareness to PAIL.

Before my loss, losing a child was unthinkable... I think to every parent who hasn't lost a child it is. You get past the first trimester and you think everything's going to be just fine. That's why I want to educate. I want to grow in my knowledge of pregnancy and become a doula. Then, maybe when I'm strong enough and have enough stillbirth/PAIL knowledge that I can start my own support group in the Fox Valley area.

Day #27 - Signs

I don't believe in "signs" from the past. Maybe it's because I consider myself a realist. Or maybe it's because it's never happened to me. I've read stories of other moms who feel that they get signs of their child with them. Some say it's butterflies, some say it's a certain feeling that takes over them.

I wish I could say I feel her. That I've gotten signs. But I haven't. But I do believe that the day we went to the grave to release her balloons that she really wanted those balloons up there. Three of them were stuck in a tree but before we left each one of them got loose and flew away. We watched until we couldn't see them anymore.