Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 9

DAY 9

Day 9 - The unsuccessful. My situation: pay day is Friday and the past few weeks I've been paying it forward every chance I get. So I had to decide what to do for a random act of kindness with little money to spend and only about an hour of free time.

I decided to go to my local grocery store and offer to help people load groceries into their vehicles. You would not believe the weird looks and the quick "No I'm ok" that I got. I tried to briefly explain that I was doing a random acts of kindness project and very few people listened.

Living in this area my whole life, this is not the type of response I had expected. Most of us are quick to say good morning or hello, but are not able to accept help from a stranger just trying to make someones day a little easier. I was only able to help two people and they only had a few bags... I think they did it because they felt sorry for me.

So I ask you: If you had a cart full of groceries and were asked if you'd like help loading your groceries, what would you say? What is your reasoning behind it? I'd love to get some feedback on this one.

Pic from Bimmer Forums

Day #31 - Sunset

While the sunshine can fade to darkness... my love will never fade. 

I love you Ana. 

Forever and always… my baby you’ll be.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 8

DAY 8

I'm sorry for the late post but yesterday was personally a rough day. Just felt very overwhelmed and needed to do something good. I spent some time with Ana's father and felt a little better afterwards. I wasn't planning on the random act of kindness I did yesterday, but it came at the most opportune moment that I had to jump on it. My work had a sprinkler system line burst and flood our office from top to bottom. We were able to save most of the things that were not touching the ground.

For insurance and business purposes my company decided to buy laptops instead of computers for the office. After going through and getting the computers tested, they were in good working condition. The hard drives had confidential business information on it so they will be taken apart. However, they had 4 nice computer monitors, keyboards, mice and speakers which they were looking to donate somewhere. I mentioned that I work at the local domestic violence (DV) center and they could always use donations like this. My boss said we could donate the computer equipment to them and I thought that this would include my random acts of kindness. It didn't pay to throw them away when they work!

So yesterday I delivered these computer monitors to the DV shelter in our county.

Day #30 - Growth

This one is hard for me because in some ways I feel like I regressed. I want to believe that my daughter had a higher purpose but it hurts me so bad not knowing why she had to leave. Why MY daughter? I see the world now as a fragile place; pieces of glass being held together by paper Mache (money). I see others as naive… but also just as broken as I am.

This one is hard because I feel like I'm moving on without her. I know she doesn't want me stuck in 2012, dwelling on her loss. I know she wants me to be happy. I know she wants me to give back. In reality, I've grown a lot. In stead of moving on I'm living her memory. I want to keep her memory alive in the things that I do. This will also bring awareness to PAIL.

Before my loss, losing a child was unthinkable... I think to every parent who hasn't lost a child it is. You get past the first trimester and you think everything's going to be just fine. That's why I want to educate. I want to grow in my knowledge of pregnancy and become a doula. Then, maybe when I'm strong enough and have enough stillbirth/PAIL knowledge that I can start my own support group in the Fox Valley area.

Day #29 - Healing

Today should have been Ana's first birthday had she been born on her due date. I know it's rare to be born on their due date, I still hold today close to me.

I've come a long way in the past year and a half. I've been working on healing a very sore, open wound. The most that’s given me healing is helping others. Helping them through a loss like no other gives me a warm feeling that only my daughter could fill. Talking about her, about the dreams I had for her, for the things she will never get to do. Being able to talk to other mother’s near or far and knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through and that (even though it feels like it) … that it’s not the end of the world and that I can still go on and live.

photo courtesy of http://ldsscripturespremium.com/

Day #26 - Community

Oddly enough, I only knew of one person who had a stillbirth before I lost Ana. Her name is also Melissa. I went to high school with her and then we just happened to enroll in the local community college here at the same time and were in the same program courses. When I lost Ana we were in the same class and she was the only person that I could reach out to and feel like what I was feeling was normal.

While there is a support group that meets once a month, I didn't feel like a support group was the right place for me. At first it was because I didn't want to cry the whole time, then as time went on it was because of different reasons I would make up as the support group dates got closer.

If it wasn't for the PAIL community I would be lost right now. I would be buried inside a dark room with no desire to come out. What helps me is being the support for others in the PAIL community. Giving back to those who have helped me. I want to be there for other families who are going through the same thing that I am. I want to give them just as much as they have given me.

Day #25 - Say It Outloud

I am a mother to an angel born sleeping. 

I will always be her mother.

#SayItOutloud

I'm saying it out loud for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. For miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I am saying it out loud for my daughter Ana, who was born too soon. I am saying it out loud for all of the mothers who are grieving in silence.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

We want our children remembered. Please don’t stop talking to us. Please don’t push us away. Please address our children by name, just as you would a living child. Please know that we have many hopes and dreams for a child we never got to fulfill. Please know that we will always have a hole in our heart and emptiness in our arms. How would you like to give one of your children back?

We don't wish this on anyone. This pain we bear is hard. This grief journey we are walking is a very long uphill battle. We want to talk about our children. Remember our angels and what our pregnancies were like. What we felt, what we didn't feel. We want to bring awareness to the community. That this is happening too often.

So I'm saying it out loud and I encourage you to #SayItOutLoud too. Break the silence. Let people know how often these losses are happening. Say it for Ana. Say it for your child.

The statistic of 1 in 4 IS NOT OK!!