Day #31 - Sunset

While the sunshine can fade to darkness... my love will never fade. 

I love you Ana. 

Forever and always… my baby you’ll be.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 8

DAY 8

I'm sorry for the late post but yesterday was personally a rough day. Just felt very overwhelmed and needed to do something good. I spent some time with Ana's father and felt a little better afterwards. I wasn't planning on the random act of kindness I did yesterday, but it came at the most opportune moment that I had to jump on it. My work had a sprinkler system line burst and flood our office from top to bottom. We were able to save most of the things that were not touching the ground.

For insurance and business purposes my company decided to buy laptops instead of computers for the office. After going through and getting the computers tested, they were in good working condition. The hard drives had confidential business information on it so they will be taken apart. However, they had 4 nice computer monitors, keyboards, mice and speakers which they were looking to donate somewhere. I mentioned that I work at the local domestic violence (DV) center and they could always use donations like this. My boss said we could donate the computer equipment to them and I thought that this would include my random acts of kindness. It didn't pay to throw them away when they work!

So yesterday I delivered these computer monitors to the DV shelter in our county.

Day #30 - Growth

This one is hard for me because in some ways I feel like I regressed. I want to believe that my daughter had a higher purpose but it hurts me so bad not knowing why she had to leave. Why MY daughter? I see the world now as a fragile place; pieces of glass being held together by paper Mache (money). I see others as naive… but also just as broken as I am.

This one is hard because I feel like I'm moving on without her. I know she doesn't want me stuck in 2012, dwelling on her loss. I know she wants me to be happy. I know she wants me to give back. In reality, I've grown a lot. In stead of moving on I'm living her memory. I want to keep her memory alive in the things that I do. This will also bring awareness to PAIL.

Before my loss, losing a child was unthinkable... I think to every parent who hasn't lost a child it is. You get past the first trimester and you think everything's going to be just fine. That's why I want to educate. I want to grow in my knowledge of pregnancy and become a doula. Then, maybe when I'm strong enough and have enough stillbirth/PAIL knowledge that I can start my own support group in the Fox Valley area.

Day #29 - Healing

Today should have been Ana's first birthday had she been born on her due date. I know it's rare to be born on their due date, I still hold today close to me.

I've come a long way in the past year and a half. I've been working on healing a very sore, open wound. The most that’s given me healing is helping others. Helping them through a loss like no other gives me a warm feeling that only my daughter could fill. Talking about her, about the dreams I had for her, for the things she will never get to do. Being able to talk to other mother’s near or far and knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through and that (even though it feels like it) … that it’s not the end of the world and that I can still go on and live.

photo courtesy of http://ldsscripturespremium.com/

Day #28 - Special Place

This would be her grave. 

I go there often to talk to her or my grandfather who is next to her. 

I go there when I’m upset, I go there on my lunch breaks. 

I go there on anniversaries and special dates. 

I go there when I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. 

I go there for peace and comfort. 

I go there because I can’t hold my angel in my arms.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 4

DAY 4

Today I will be going to dinner and leaving my waiter or waitress a generous tip. I'm not sure how much this will be because I do not know where I am going to dinner. I was hoping to find a pregnant lady or one who just looks super stressed out. Doesn't even need to be my waitperson! The wait staff do not get paid enough and sometimes they rely on their tips. I will update with a picture later.... STAY TUNED!

**UPDATE**

I went to dinner with my parents this evening and I my parents pick what restaurant we went to. Their first suggestion was TGI Friday's. I'm not a huge fan of the food, but I said that's fine as ultimately I was out to give a nice tip to a waiter or waitress who deserved it. When we got there we were told there would be a 25 minute wait. In reality, that wasn't that bad of a wait time, but my mother is diabetic and when she needs to eat, she needs to eat. So we decided to go to Solea's Mexican Restaurant in Appleton, WI. 

We got there and we were immediately seated. There was only one or two empty tables in the main lounge and what looked like two waitresses. Our waitress, Paige, did a great job tonight and while talking to her I learned that she is a 27 year old mom with a young daughter and is paying her way through college. I felt like she deserved every bit of this tip and I was happy to give it to her. When she saw it she immediately tried giving it back but I told her that I was SET in doing this. For Ana... and for you Paige. Thank you for all you do.

UPDATED April 5, 2014

From the waitress, Paige J. - "Thank you so much for giving me the gift that you did...it is so appreciate and I know your little angel is smiling everyday with pride for her mother. Thank you again."

and

Thank you Stephanie H - "I donated to autism speaks and tipped at an fast food restaurant."

Day #25 - Say It Outloud

I am a mother to an angel born sleeping. 

I will always be her mother.

#SayItOutloud

I'm saying it out loud for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. For miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I am saying it out loud for my daughter Ana, who was born too soon. I am saying it out loud for all of the mothers who are grieving in silence.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

We want our children remembered. Please don’t stop talking to us. Please don’t push us away. Please address our children by name, just as you would a living child. Please know that we have many hopes and dreams for a child we never got to fulfill. Please know that we will always have a hole in our heart and emptiness in our arms. How would you like to give one of your children back?

We don't wish this on anyone. This pain we bear is hard. This grief journey we are walking is a very long uphill battle. We want to talk about our children. Remember our angels and what our pregnancies were like. What we felt, what we didn't feel. We want to bring awareness to the community. That this is happening too often.

So I'm saying it out loud and I encourage you to #SayItOutLoud too. Break the silence. Let people know how often these losses are happening. Say it for Ana. Say it for your child.

The statistic of 1 in 4 IS NOT OK!!

Day #24 - Artwork

These pictures/art work have been created by either myself or my friends. There are several others that have made something for me and I love each one of them! Here's just a few:

Courtesy of nilmdts

I made this with friends after I lost Ana.

This picture was taken in Arizona. I edited it to fit the situation.

I made this after I lost Ana as well. I would have loved to take her to Arizona.
(and many other places)

Day #23 - Tattoos and Jewelry

I have not gotten Ana’s remembrance tattoo yet. I want it to be perfect. I want to make sure that it represents her and will forever remind me (Not like I could ever forget) of my angel. I want to have something that people will ask about... something intriguing that catches the eye. When I'm ready, I will get it for her.

I have received several different pieces of jewelry that mean the world to me. Pictured first is the engraved necklace I received from my friends on Facebook's One Stop Mom Spot page. The second picture is a picture of the necklace of a heart with angel wings from my family. The third thing I got was a teardrop necklace from my mother’s co-workers. The last picture is the picture of Ana's ring (a mother's ring). I have her birthstone, my birthstone and then her father’s birthstone in it. I hold each one of these items close to my heart.