Day #30 - Growth

This one is hard for me because in some ways I feel like I regressed. I want to believe that my daughter had a higher purpose but it hurts me so bad not knowing why she had to leave. Why MY daughter? I see the world now as a fragile place; pieces of glass being held together by paper Mache (money). I see others as naive… but also just as broken as I am.

This one is hard because I feel like I'm moving on without her. I know she doesn't want me stuck in 2012, dwelling on her loss. I know she wants me to be happy. I know she wants me to give back. In reality, I've grown a lot. In stead of moving on I'm living her memory. I want to keep her memory alive in the things that I do. This will also bring awareness to PAIL.

Before my loss, losing a child was unthinkable... I think to every parent who hasn't lost a child it is. You get past the first trimester and you think everything's going to be just fine. That's why I want to educate. I want to grow in my knowledge of pregnancy and become a doula. Then, maybe when I'm strong enough and have enough stillbirth/PAIL knowledge that I can start my own support group in the Fox Valley area.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 7

DAY 7

Her due date... one year ago today - April 7th, 2014 was her due date. It would have been a Sunday. She should be a year old. I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been teaching her how to walk. I would be gawking over her every little move.

Instead... I visit her grave. I decorate it on special days. I bring her flowers. I miss her more and more every day. It's been a long road. It's been a lot of downs and very few ups. But I've made it this far.

I haven't been up to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital since before I lost Ana. Since I wasn't past 24 weeks, they wouldn't even send me up there. I've had several friends have babies since I lost Ana. I haven't been able to visit any of them yet, let alone in the hospital. I've been dreading the day that I would HAVE to go back there.

Today was that day...

I took a big step for my healing. I decided to make a basket and deliver it to someone in L&D who had a baby girl today. I also took up three tulip plants... one for the mother of the girl born today and two for other moms who have had babies today or in the past/next day or so.

Walking through the halls leading up to the elevator my heart started pumping and my  palms started to sweat. I was unsure of how I would react if I saw a newborn today. I felt my eyes swelling as I pressed the button for the 3rd floor. As I exited the elevator I was greeted with a friendly smile. I explained to her why I was dropping these plants and basket off and what I would like done with them. She was a very nice lady and I am glad to have went up there even if it was just to talk to her.

I walked away as a couple and their daughter walked out. The little girl had dark skin and dark hair and made me think of what Ana would be today. What she would look like. What she would like. As I stepped back into the elevator I felt an overwhelming sense of relief rush over me. I did it. I made it through delivering the gifts without a break down. I'm healing. One step at a time.

I hope these mama's enjoyed their flowers and basket. Here's a peek of what I dropped off today:

Special thank you to Michelle G for sewing a blanket for the basket last minute. You're awesome!

**UPDATED 4/7/14 9:11pm**

Special thank you to Rickee S. - 250$ worth of groceries for a new mommy who had absolutely no food in her house when she brought her newborn home from the hospital Friday night. we went out and stocked her up all in your sweet name Ana <3

Day #29 - Healing

Today should have been Ana's first birthday had she been born on her due date. I know it's rare to be born on their due date, I still hold today close to me.

I've come a long way in the past year and a half. I've been working on healing a very sore, open wound. The most that’s given me healing is helping others. Helping them through a loss like no other gives me a warm feeling that only my daughter could fill. Talking about her, about the dreams I had for her, for the things she will never get to do. Being able to talk to other mother’s near or far and knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through and that (even though it feels like it) … that it’s not the end of the world and that I can still go on and live.

photo courtesy of http://ldsscripturespremium.com/