Her due date... one year ago today - April 7th, 2014 was her due date. It would have been a Sunday. She should be a year old. I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been teaching her how to walk. I would be gawking over her every little move.
Instead... I visit her grave. I decorate it on special days. I bring her flowers. I miss her more and more every day. It's been a long road. It's been a lot of downs and very few ups. But I've made it this far.
I haven't been up to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital since before I lost Ana. Since I wasn't past 24 weeks, they wouldn't even send me up there. I've had several friends have babies since I lost Ana. I haven't been able to visit any of them yet, let alone in the hospital. I've been dreading the day that I would HAVE to go back there.
I took a big step for my healing. I decided to make a basket and deliver it to someone in L&D who had a baby girl today. I also took up three tulip plants... one for the mother of the girl born today and two for other moms who have had babies today or in the past/next day or so.
Walking through the halls leading up to the elevator my heart started pumping and my palms started to sweat. I was unsure of how I would react if I saw a newborn today. I felt my eyes swelling as I pressed the button for the 3rd floor. As I exited the elevator I was greeted with a friendly smile. I explained to her why I was dropping these plants and basket off and what I would like done with them. She was a very nice lady and I am glad to have went up there even if it was just to talk to her.
I walked away as a couple and their daughter walked out. The little girl had dark skin and dark hair and made me think of what Ana would be today. What she would look like. What she would like. As I stepped back into the elevator I felt an overwhelming sense of relief rush over me. I did it. I made it through delivering the gifts without a break down. I'm healing. One step at a time.
I hope these mama's enjoyed their flowers and basket. Here's a peek of what I dropped off today:
|Special thank you to Michelle G for sewing a blanket for the basket last minute. You're awesome!|