Day #6 - Ritual

Honestly, I do not have a ritual for her. I never was very religious. I don't have a specific set of things or order of things that I do for her. However, the first couple of months after I lost Ana I was really lost… I visited her every month on the 21^st to leave her a single rose. This was my way to let Ana know how much I loved her and that she was not forgotten. 

Now that I have passed the one year mark (damn, it burns to type that)… I have decided on a balloon release each year on October 21st. This is something that I will do "religiously" as I want to make sure that she knows I'm thinking of her.

Day #5 - Memory

To keep her memory is why I had started this blog... and I'm sure glad I did. This was the best way for me to write about my memories of her.

The first memory I have is how sore my breasts felt. It didn't matter if I was wearing a bra or not, they hurt. When I moved, when I showered, it didn't matter. They hurt. Then I started feel nauseated. I wasn't getting sick, but it felt like I could be sick. It wasn't until about 6 weeks into my pregnancy that I thought I should take a pregnancy test. From past experience, I would take a test, it would be negative, then shortly after I would get my period. Because of this, I went to the dollar store and picked up a few. 

I took the first one: positive. It couldn't be. I took the second one. Positive. No, this isn't right. I've never seen two lines... it must be broken. Then I went to the drug store and bought two of a different kind and went to my best friends house. Surely the ones I got from the dollar store were wrong.

Well... turns out that I was, in fact, pregnant.

Another memory I have of Ana is the craving I had for fish. I never used to like fish. Once I got pregnant I started craving it and had to have it at least once or twice a week. While I don't eat fish as often as I did while pregnant, once in awhile I like to go out and have fish and every time it reminds me of her. :)

Day #4 - Legacy

A month after I lost Ana I joined a group on Facebook called Stillborn and Sleeping Babies Support Group. Shortly after I joined I was promoted to site administrator. I have, in turn, reached out to hundreds of people who have been affected by pregnancy and/or infant loss (PAIL). 

I’m an advocate for PAIL awareness and speak out for those who can’t. I reach out to mother’s who have experienced a loss like mine and try to provide advice and resources for a grieving heart. I would have never thought about the PAIL community had it not been for Ana. I started a grief blog and I have had many, many people thank me for being so open and honest about my feelings during such a raw time. If I have helped ONE mother through their grief, her legacy will live on.

In addition, I have started what I call Ana's Angels. This is a group of individuals that will help me in keeping Ana's legacy alive by giving to others through Random Acts of Kindness in Ana's name. I've made small business cards to distribute to friends and family to attach to whatever they give/share/help/donate in Ana's name to bring about talk about PAIL awareness.

In the month's of April and October I have challenged my grief by working with Ana's Angels. April because that's the month she was due and October because it's the month I lost her, but it's also PAIL awareness month. I hope you, my readers, will take part in this with me. I will post each of my Random Acts of Kindness on my blog for you to read. Please share your Random Acts of Kindness in memory of Ana here.

Day #3 - Myths

Myths vs Reality via Shutterstock

There are far too many myths about grief to even touch on them. But some of the most important to me are the following:

Myth: Time heals all wounds. It's been 6 months, a year, 5 years, etc. Don't you think you should be over it?

Reality: No, it doesn't heal it. It doesn't go away. The pain might become easier to bear, but it never, EVER goes away. Nothing will ever take the place of my first daughter, even if I have another child down the road. Five years down the road I will still wonder what type of 5 year old I should have in my house. How she should be starting kindergarten, how she should be making friends. I will never get to experience that with her. Time will not heal my wound. I will learn to live with my wounds.

Myth: The best thing we can do is not bring your daughter up.

Reality: This in fact is the complete opposite!! I want you to mention my daughter. I want you to talk about my projects, speak her name, remember her at family gatherings. We tend to remember those who have lived outside the womb when talking about family that has passed. Often forgotten are the ones we lose before we even get to meet them. Please, next time you're around, mention Ana's name.

Myth: It was God's plan.

Reality: I've struggled with faith for awhile now. But every time I hear someone say my loss was "God's will" or "God's way" or "God's way of telling you something" REALLY angers me. I really had to do some digging and research here on what is actually said. Honestly, I don't have time to read the whole Bible before writing this, but I came across a website that mentioned the following (below) and I think this is a great way to look about supporting someone in grief. 

"The Bible makes this important distinction: life provides minimal support but God provides maximum love and comfort. Calling a tragic loss the "will of God" can have a devastating impact on the faith of others.

When statements of faith are to be made, they should focus upon God's love and support through grief. Rather than telling people, "It was the will of God," a better response is to gently suggest, "God is with you in your pain," "God will help you day to day," or "God will guide you through this difficult time." Rather than talking about God "taking" a loved one, it is more theologically accurate to place the focus upon God "receiving and welcoming" a loved one." (www.nfda.org)

Myth: You're still young, you still have time to have a child.

Reality: According to the Mayo Clinic, the quality of eggs after 30 can go down and you might ovulate less frequently, even if you're still having regular periods. I turn 30 this year. I've already had so much trouble trying to conceive that I am very worried about being able to become pregnant again. 

Courtesy: Southern California Center for Reproductive Medicine

Everyone has a different reality. Please try to keep that in mind when speaking about grief.

Day #2 - Identity

There's so much to say about her identity. In her brief 16 weeks inside of me she created so much warmth and happiness. She made me smile when I was sick. I was just starting to feel the flutters of her kicks.

When she was born still in the emergency room, the nurse told me I had a baby boy. It wasn't until two days later when I received the autopsy results that they told me my baby boy was actually the baby girl I had always wanted. 

In the first two days of my grief there was a lot to think about, name, funeral arrangements, obituary, etc. Since I was told she was a he, I had already named her Gabriel Victor… but then had to change all of the funeral arrangements and her name to fit who she really was. 

So what did I do? I named her Anabelle Luz and gave her her father’s last name. So I named her Anabelle: Ann for my middle name, and belle because she’s such a beautiful part of me. Luz means light in Spanish, and she truly is the light of my life. I will never forget the day she was born… very early on Sunday October 21, 2012… on her father’s birthday. She will always be a very special part of us.

Day #1 - Sunrise

I can honestly say that during the last year I have not spent many mornings awake early enough to capture a glimpse of the sun rising. This past year I have found myself buried in the comfort of my bed during the early morning hours. While I was never an early riser, I certainly couldn't think of a reason to get out of bed. 

Leading up to my loss, I had started looking forward to early mornings with my daughter. After I lost her, I really found no reason to be awake. I was drowning in my grief. However, I do remember not being able to sleep the first few nights and watching the sun rise tore my heart apart. The sunrise symbolizes a fresh start, a new day. But, you see, I dreaded each new morning because it was a new day without my daughter. A day I would never be able to get back. 

To this day, I still wake up each morning with a heavy heart… But now I’m up before the sunrise for a job that I think Ana has led me to. Therefore, this morning I decided to finally snap a picture of the sunrise.

While I was taking the picture I thought... what better of a place to watch the sun rise and set than in Heaven? I hope my daughter gets to see EVERY sunrise and EVERY sunset.

Ana's Angels - Random Acts of Kindness

Ana's due date was April 7, 2013. Today is March 4th, 2014. If Ana had been born closer to her due date and had lived, I would be planning my daughter's first birthday party. Normally, friends and family would come and give gifts. Since Ana is not here on Earth, I wanted a way to celebrate the life that she did have and the amazing life she's given me.

I am asking all of my friends and family to participate in 30 random acts of kindness from April 1, 2014 to April 30, 2014. I want to do this to give back to others like Ana has given so much to me. I'm starting this campaign on April 1st and doing AT LEAST one random act of kindness a day until April 30th. By no means do you have to stop! Each act of kindness makes this world a better place!

Please check back here for a post from each day in April in memory of Ana!

You can also join me on the Ana's Angels' Facebook page: 

http://www.facebook.com/anabelleluzmolina 

or 

Ana's Angels - Random Acts of Kindness event page:

 https://www.facebook.com/events/1426474090931537/

Ana's first angelversary poem

Our precious princess Anabelle
We think of you today
But that is nothing new
We think of you each day

Today is your 1st angelversary
We can't spend it with you
Instead we light a candle in your memory
And say Happy birthday to you

We can't begin to tell you sweetheart
How much you are loved and missed
We long to hold you close to us
And give you a birthday kiss

We hope you have a wonderful birthday
Although we can't be there
We know your happy darling
Up in heaven somewhere

-Written for Ana on her first angelversary by Michele Bird

It's been one whole year...

It's been one whole year since I said goodbye to my angel. A year ago tomorrow we buried her next to my grandfather in the city I grew up in. This week has been hard. I've found a very demanding job (which I'm thankful for) but I feel as though I wasn't able to celebrate like mother's want to. A child's first birthday is a BIG celebration. While we held a balloon release for her, we certainly didn't celebrate. It was a somber event, cold and windy like I remember the day we buried her.
The pain in sharp. The further into the day I went... The harder it wass to breathe. It literally felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs and the tears built like wells. I worked on Monday and I, for the first time, had no problems with payroll. I credit this to my angel watching over me, because, up until this Monday, I have had an error of some type in my work (since I'm still learning). But on Monday everything went smoothly and I finished it all before my deadline. I know she was watching over me. I know she was there because if she wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to handle another late deadline. I know she was making sure her mama had a good day. For this, I am so very thankful.
It was short notice, but I was able to gather my family together the day before her first angelversary for the balloon release I mentioned. I'd like to include some pictures, as they will be the only things I have to hold onto for her special day.

This is my lovely support. My family. My everything.

Capture Your Grief

October is most commonly recognized as breast cancer awareness month. Before I lost Ana I had no clue that it was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) awareness month as well. To tell you the truth, I never thought about a mother losing a child. In my eyes, every woman should be blessed with a child. Little did I know that 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a child.

For the the first few months after losing Ana I literally felt lost. Like I was standing still day after day and the world was just passing by. I felt like I didn't fit in, that no one wanted to talk to me: that no one understood the unbearable pain I was enduring. I hate the feeling of being alone... the feeling like everyone is looking at you and they want to say something but they don't know what to say so they turn away before you notice them. I knew I just couldn't feel like this anymore.

I started writing. I wrote down how I was feeling, no matter how bad it felt. The purpose of it was to be true to my heart and to tell someone... anyone... or even just the piece of paper I was writing on. What I was doing was capturing my grief, day by day... or sometimes hour by hour.

In the immediate days surrounding my loss, I could barely function. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about all of the "what if's". Instead of sitting there I picked up a pen and started writing. It's been important to me to get the word out about my loss. I've become active in the Stillborn and Sleeping Babie Support Group on Facebook and eventually becoming an administrator. Doing so helped me begin healing my ever-so-broken heart. But being an open ear to other mothers going through the unthinkable has also helped me feel like Ana's memory will live on forever.

In memory of Ana, this month I am participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2013 Campaign. While I have a late start, I will finish this project for myself and for my daughter. If you'd like to participate, don't put pressure on yourself to do a subject each day. Feel free to pick and choose the ones you'd like. But I will be posting here, starting with #1.

(He has me) Barely Breathing

"Barely Breathing" - Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion
So completely torn
Must have been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

Unprotected Protection

I see that some of my posts have not been posting so I'm "releasing" them so to speak. Sorry for the delay in posting:

Some of you may have read earlier posts about living with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I lost Ana in October and since then her father has been hesitant to have sex. He's so worried about having another child right now that he even tried using condoms. Yes, that's a shocker because (as I'm sure many of you have heard) he doesn't like wearing them. But, he's so worried about having another child right now that our sex life has slowed down, things have kind of been "blah".

Well, since I lost Ana I've also gained some weight back. Because of this I'm not getting my period as often as I should be. As a matter of fact, my last period was noted in a blog. So I'm going on probably 3-4 months without one. I explained this to him and how it's unlikely I'll get pregnant without a cycle, etc. I also tried telling him how sex doesn't feel as intimate or as sensual as it did before. When we DTD he now insists on pulling out. I know that it doesn't guarantee protection, but him pulling out + my fertility problems = no baby.

Tonight him and I had sex for the first time without him pulling out. It was a heat of the moment type thing but I never expected how he would react afterwards. He literally freaked out on me. He kept saying "Oh my God you're going to get pregnant." Over and over. Then, he went completely silent. I tried consoling him I tried explaining again about my lack of period and what-not since I gained so much weight, but there was no making him feel better. He wouldn't talk and it was awkwardly quiet. I was very upset by the way he was acting and I just left his house. I couldn't take the silence and the way that he reacted. I have a feeling we won't be having sex for quite some time after this :(

Return To Zero

Return To Zero - A film about Stillbirth
 Staring Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein

Since I lost Ana, I have become an advocate about stillbirth awareness. I came across a Facebook page called Return To Zero. Return to Zero is a true story based on director Sean Hanish's experience with his wife during and after the stillbirth of their son. This is the first film based soley on raising awareness about stillbirth. The movie has finished filming and is now working on getting the attention of Hollywood to show them that there is an audience for this type of film.

I have signed up with Return to Zero to become a Local Leader. Local Leaders are responsible for encouraging people in their communities and social circles to commit to seeing the movie on opening weekend. Pledging to see the film will help the Return To Zero team prove to distributors that there is an audience for this film.

Please use the following link to pledge to see Return To Zero on it's opening weekend. It will ask who your local leader is, please put "Melissa Hamilton". Lets break the silence about stillbirth!

Return To Zero

Kicked in the face (again)

I'm extremely frustrated as I'm writing this post so please excuse me and my language and tone but I am so, sooo sick of being kicked in the face over and over again. I fought my way through school, I fought through the loss of my daughter, I fought through the remainder of school so I could graduate on time, I fought for the job I thought was "the one". I fought for that job just for them to kick me in the face... again.

I started a scheduling/dispatch position on May 1st for an electrical/mechanical company in the area. Every day I went to work excited to learn something new. I enjoy a challenge and liked how every day was different. I started on a Wednesday and my first few days were scattered with introduction and orientation meetings like a typical new job. However, just three days after (Monday) they had me taking my own calls with very little training. It was simple enough: Ask for the company name and issue, their name and a phone number they could be called back at. Then I would ask them how they wanted it handled and I would call the customer back and let them know when a technician would be coming. When they weren't on a "spot" call, they would go to businesses and perform their preventative maintenance. This was scheduled a few days to a week before.

I enjoyed every day. I went to work every day in a good mood with a smile on my face and often asked questions. But today... I was let go today apparently because I'm not "bubbly" or some shit. I answer the phone with a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm not sure about certain terminology like capacitors versus compressors but I was learning. My co-workers were colorful. There were several times during each day where I would just sit back and listen to some of their conversations because I thought they were outrageous and sometimes very unprofessional. Being the new person... what am I supposed to say? I certainly didn't want to say something wrong only knowing them a week or two so far so I chose to only say things that were "safe".

 I kind of kept to myself because I really didn't know what to think. The one girl calls guys things like "studman" and one of the other guys calls her "tinker bell" and just stupid shit like that. There were several times where they were dropping F-bombs in the office and sometimes even over the phone with their technicians. Just the other day my supervisor told me she thought I was doing a great job and catching on quickly so this all came as a huge shock to me!

It bothers me to think that I was actually excited and looking forward to working at a company like this when they really let me go with very little reason or cause. They don't know even a quarter of what I have been through in the last year and I'm glad I never opened up to them. I keep myself guarded because of situations like this where I take a chance and try hard just to be kicked in the face.

In the end, screw them! Honestly, I couldn't stand the one girl being such a slut anyhow. "Oh, it was confirmed last night, I'm not high maintenance." Like, really bitch no one fucking cares. Especially me.

Mother's Day

Many women will never know what it's like to lose a child. No mother ever should. It's one of the worst feelings in the whole world. I've told people I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... because I wouldn't. No matter how much evil a person is, I would never wish that they would have to feel the pain and the emptiness that I do. This is my first Mother's Day after I got pregnant. This was my first Mother's Day I should have spent with my daughter.

This is supposed to be a day for mother's to be proud of their children and to be honored by those around them for doing such a great job. But my child is not here with me. I don't get to hold her, kiss her. I'll never get to hear her tell me she loves me or that I'm the best mom in the world. I'll never get a project from her in school for Mother's Day. Mother's around the world are beaming and proud of their children. I'm proud of Ana in every single way, but it hurts me so bad that she's not here with me.

I knew today wasn't going to be easy. I knew today was going to be emotional. I woke up this morning and I knew my family had plans to go to my grandmother's. It was awkward. People didn't know what to say to me so many said nothing at all. This is my own family, the side of the family which I would say I'm close to. I got a hug or two but many sad eyes and "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say smiles". I told my mom and grandma Happy Mother's Day, I ate quickly, but then I sat on the couch away from everyone else while they talked. I just didn't feel like socializing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to say something and make everyone uncomfortable or have that awkward silence. I just kept to myself in a world where I don't fit in.

I told Ana's father today that I was sad that I had to visit my daughter at the grave for Mother's Day. The only thing he had to say was that everything will be okay and that I shouldn't be sad. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to say. But he did ask when Father's Day was, and I wonder why. He's got a son he can hold and he can hear his son tell him he loves him. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I hurt because I have a daughter but yet it feels like I am not a Mother. I have no living children and I wonder if this is just how it was meant to be.

I love you Ana. Forever my daughter.