Capture Your Grief

October is most commonly recognized as breast cancer awareness month. Before I lost Ana I had no clue that it was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) awareness month as well. To tell you the truth, I never thought about a mother losing a child. In my eyes, every woman should be blessed with a child. Little did I know that 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a child.

For the the first few months after losing Ana I literally felt lost. Like I was standing still day after day and the world was just passing by. I felt like I didn't fit in, that no one wanted to talk to me: that no one understood the unbearable pain I was enduring. I hate the feeling of being alone... the feeling like everyone is looking at you and they want to say something but they don't know what to say so they turn away before you notice them. I knew I just couldn't feel like this anymore.

I started writing. I wrote down how I was feeling, no matter how bad it felt. The purpose of it was to be true to my heart and to tell someone... anyone... or even just the piece of paper I was writing on. What I was doing was capturing my grief, day by day... or sometimes hour by hour.

In the immediate days surrounding my loss, I could barely function. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about all of the "what if's". Instead of sitting there I picked up a pen and started writing. It's been important to me to get the word out about my loss. I've become active in the Stillborn and Sleeping Babie Support Group on Facebook and eventually becoming an administrator. Doing so helped me begin healing my ever-so-broken heart. But being an open ear to other mothers going through the unthinkable has also helped me feel like Ana's memory will live on forever.

In memory of Ana, this month I am participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2013 Campaign. While I have a late start, I will finish this project for myself and for my daughter. If you'd like to participate, don't put pressure on yourself to do a subject each day. Feel free to pick and choose the ones you'd like. But I will be posting here, starting with #1.

(He has me) Barely Breathing

"Barely Breathing" - Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion
So completely torn
Must have been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

Unprotected Protection

I see that some of my posts have not been posting so I'm "releasing" them so to speak. Sorry for the delay in posting:

Some of you may have read earlier posts about living with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I lost Ana in October and since then her father has been hesitant to have sex. He's so worried about having another child right now that he even tried using condoms. Yes, that's a shocker because (as I'm sure many of you have heard) he doesn't like wearing them. But, he's so worried about having another child right now that our sex life has slowed down, things have kind of been "blah".

Well, since I lost Ana I've also gained some weight back. Because of this I'm not getting my period as often as I should be. As a matter of fact, my last period was noted in a blog. So I'm going on probably 3-4 months without one. I explained this to him and how it's unlikely I'll get pregnant without a cycle, etc. I also tried telling him how sex doesn't feel as intimate or as sensual as it did before. When we DTD he now insists on pulling out. I know that it doesn't guarantee protection, but him pulling out + my fertility problems = no baby.

Tonight him and I had sex for the first time without him pulling out. It was a heat of the moment type thing but I never expected how he would react afterwards. He literally freaked out on me. He kept saying "Oh my God you're going to get pregnant." Over and over. Then, he went completely silent. I tried consoling him I tried explaining again about my lack of period and what-not since I gained so much weight, but there was no making him feel better. He wouldn't talk and it was awkwardly quiet. I was very upset by the way he was acting and I just left his house. I couldn't take the silence and the way that he reacted. I have a feeling we won't be having sex for quite some time after this :(

Return To Zero

Return To Zero - A film about Stillbirth
 Staring Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein

Since I lost Ana, I have become an advocate about stillbirth awareness. I came across a Facebook page called Return To Zero. Return to Zero is a true story based on director Sean Hanish's experience with his wife during and after the stillbirth of their son. This is the first film based soley on raising awareness about stillbirth. The movie has finished filming and is now working on getting the attention of Hollywood to show them that there is an audience for this type of film.

I have signed up with Return to Zero to become a Local Leader. Local Leaders are responsible for encouraging people in their communities and social circles to commit to seeing the movie on opening weekend. Pledging to see the film will help the Return To Zero team prove to distributors that there is an audience for this film.

Please use the following link to pledge to see Return To Zero on it's opening weekend. It will ask who your local leader is, please put "Melissa Hamilton". Lets break the silence about stillbirth!

Return To Zero

Kicked in the face (again)

I'm extremely frustrated as I'm writing this post so please excuse me and my language and tone but I am so, sooo sick of being kicked in the face over and over again. I fought my way through school, I fought through the loss of my daughter, I fought through the remainder of school so I could graduate on time, I fought for the job I thought was "the one". I fought for that job just for them to kick me in the face... again.

I started a scheduling/dispatch position on May 1st for an electrical/mechanical company in the area. Every day I went to work excited to learn something new. I enjoy a challenge and liked how every day was different. I started on a Wednesday and my first few days were scattered with introduction and orientation meetings like a typical new job. However, just three days after (Monday) they had me taking my own calls with very little training. It was simple enough: Ask for the company name and issue, their name and a phone number they could be called back at. Then I would ask them how they wanted it handled and I would call the customer back and let them know when a technician would be coming. When they weren't on a "spot" call, they would go to businesses and perform their preventative maintenance. This was scheduled a few days to a week before.

I enjoyed every day. I went to work every day in a good mood with a smile on my face and often asked questions. But today... I was let go today apparently because I'm not "bubbly" or some shit. I answer the phone with a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm not sure about certain terminology like capacitors versus compressors but I was learning. My co-workers were colorful. There were several times during each day where I would just sit back and listen to some of their conversations because I thought they were outrageous and sometimes very unprofessional. Being the new person... what am I supposed to say? I certainly didn't want to say something wrong only knowing them a week or two so far so I chose to only say things that were "safe".

 I kind of kept to myself because I really didn't know what to think. The one girl calls guys things like "studman" and one of the other guys calls her "tinker bell" and just stupid shit like that. There were several times where they were dropping F-bombs in the office and sometimes even over the phone with their technicians. Just the other day my supervisor told me she thought I was doing a great job and catching on quickly so this all came as a huge shock to me!

It bothers me to think that I was actually excited and looking forward to working at a company like this when they really let me go with very little reason or cause. They don't know even a quarter of what I have been through in the last year and I'm glad I never opened up to them. I keep myself guarded because of situations like this where I take a chance and try hard just to be kicked in the face.

In the end, screw them! Honestly, I couldn't stand the one girl being such a slut anyhow. "Oh, it was confirmed last night, I'm not high maintenance." Like, really bitch no one fucking cares. Especially me.

Mother's Day

Many women will never know what it's like to lose a child. No mother ever should. It's one of the worst feelings in the whole world. I've told people I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... because I wouldn't. No matter how much evil a person is, I would never wish that they would have to feel the pain and the emptiness that I do. This is my first Mother's Day after I got pregnant. This was my first Mother's Day I should have spent with my daughter.

This is supposed to be a day for mother's to be proud of their children and to be honored by those around them for doing such a great job. But my child is not here with me. I don't get to hold her, kiss her. I'll never get to hear her tell me she loves me or that I'm the best mom in the world. I'll never get a project from her in school for Mother's Day. Mother's around the world are beaming and proud of their children. I'm proud of Ana in every single way, but it hurts me so bad that she's not here with me.

I knew today wasn't going to be easy. I knew today was going to be emotional. I woke up this morning and I knew my family had plans to go to my grandmother's. It was awkward. People didn't know what to say to me so many said nothing at all. This is my own family, the side of the family which I would say I'm close to. I got a hug or two but many sad eyes and "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say smiles". I told my mom and grandma Happy Mother's Day, I ate quickly, but then I sat on the couch away from everyone else while they talked. I just didn't feel like socializing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to say something and make everyone uncomfortable or have that awkward silence. I just kept to myself in a world where I don't fit in.

I told Ana's father today that I was sad that I had to visit my daughter at the grave for Mother's Day. The only thing he had to say was that everything will be okay and that I shouldn't be sad. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to say. But he did ask when Father's Day was, and I wonder why. He's got a son he can hold and he can hear his son tell him he loves him. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I hurt because I have a daughter but yet it feels like I am not a Mother. I have no living children and I wonder if this is just how it was meant to be.

I love you Ana. Forever my daughter.

My October Angel

Yesterday was one of the first warm, sunny days we have had in Wisconsin since last fall. Since I start a new job next week, I wanted to get out of the house and do something, even if it wasn't much, to keep my mind busy. I asked my friend if she would like to go to some rummage sales in the neighborhood by my parents house to get some exercise and browse.

We met at 10:00 and started on the far end of the neighborhood. The grass is finally starting to turn green, the trees are starting to bud. It was warm enough that I only wore a tank top and some Bermuda shorts! As we walked through the neighborhood, the first house we walked up to had several nick-knacks of various types. As I was browsing I saw one particular item that was just WAITING for me. So simple, so beautiful... it was a porcelain Precious Moments angel that said "October". I looked at the price and it was only 50 cents! I don't think anyone else would have cared so much about a simple October Angel, but I did.

I found my prized possession. As we walked through the rest of the neighborhood we ended up looking at probably 30-40 houses. I could not find one other thing that was worth me buying. But that October Angel sure made my day. I was excited to show it to my mother when I stopped by her house. I unwrapped it from the newspaper it was wrapped in and I showed it to her. Her expression was slightly puzzled. She said, "that's nice, but why October??"

I literally had no response for her. I just kinda looked at her and tilted my head with a look that said... "REALLY?" It's so easy for people to forget Ana. But I can't. Even though she is not here she will always be remembered. She will always be my first child. No one can take this away from me. I know she didn't mean to "forget" or let it slip her mind, but at the same time it really hurt me that she didn't remember or wasn't able to put 2 and 2 together. Oh well, I still have my angel!

March for Babies... Success!!

I have never participated in a walk for a cause. However, after losing Ana I felt compelled to do something different, something in memory of her. I decided in February that I would be joining the March for Babies in Appleton, WI on April 20th, 2013. This was completely something new to me. I knew I wanted to help. I knew that raising money was important to help other babies that are born too soon. Although Ana didn't make it, I wanted to help in some way.

I've also never been much for raising money or donations for anyone or any special group/cause. I set my mind to doing the March for Babies and I had to figure out how to raise the money for my first goal: $500. I also knew it was very important to find a good, supportive group of people that would walk on April 20th with me in memory of Ana.

I went to Facebook to announce my walk, the date, and to ask for donations. Through my friends on Facebook (Kelly, Allison, Jennifer, Megan, Karissa, and Mareike) I raised $130. My mother donated $50, my Aunt Polly and my Aunt Diane each donated $20, and my Aunt Annette donated $100. In addition, my sister's "big boss", Missi, donated $40. The donations of the people I mentioned, and the very generous $200 sponsorship from my dentist, I surpassed my goal and raised a total of $560!!

I am very proud of my group that came to walk with me. While my mother tried backing out at the last minute because it was unusually cold for an April morning, I explained again that this was in memory of Ana and how important this was to me to have her support. My mother, my sister, my two best friends (Kim and Jessica), my Aunt Annette, Uncle Dave, Aunt Diane, two of my cousins (Andrea and Brianne), my sister's "big boss" and one of her co-workers (for a total of 12 walkers!) joined me on Saturday in the cold, windy weather to battle the 2 mile walk. While I didn't get a picture of everyone, here are some of our pictures to enjoy. 

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart to everyone who helped me in some way, shape or form!

 This is a picture of my sister (Jenna), my best friend (Kim) and myself before the walk. The white lei's let others know we are walking in memory of a child who didn't make it. 

This picture is my group walking in the cold April weather.

Top left: my Uncle Dave, cousin Andrea

Bottom left: My sister Jenna, my bff Kim, myself, my Aunt Annette, and bff Jessica

(Some of my walkers had already left)

SURVIVOR!

It's just over 6 months since I lost my sweet baby Ana. It's been just less than 6 months since I buried her next to my grandfather. It's been just over a year since I lost my grandfather. But throughout all of this, I am a SURVIVOR.

I have my down days, I have my I don't want to get out of bed days. I have my good days where I can function normally and feel like everything is okay. I just have to remember that I am a survivor.

I honestly believe God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and I survived. I was very very ill after losing Ana, both physically and mentally. I was hospitalized the day after I lost her because I had lost over half of my blood and was still bleeding very heavily.

I was in a very dark place after losing Ana mentally. I hated everyone I hated everything I didn't want to do anything. I felt like life could not go on. But I survived.

I still have days where things just aren't "right" and I'm sad but I know that Ana wants me to be happy and she doesn't want to see me down and out. She wants to see her mom as she was while she knew me. Happy, healthy, loving life and living as I should.

Ana is and always will be my daughter. My first daughter. The daughter I always wanted and I DID have. She was a part of me that will never be the same but a part of me that will carry her with me forever. She was born on her father's birthday. She was 16 weeks. She was perfect in every way. I will always love her. I survived and I will continue to be... a SURVIVOR!

Angel Moms (the good and the bad)

Since I've lost Ana I have reached out to several different groups for grieving mothers. Some of them are particularly for stillborn or sleeping babies, some of them are for mother's who have lost children at all ages. I want to say that 99.9% of the mother's I have met have been inspiring, supportive, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and there for me and other mother's 100%. However, there were two particular instances where I've been perturbed by.

The first being a few days ago when I posted on my Facebook page about how Ana's headstone still wasn't in place. A girl, who I have talked to a few times before, told me that I should have gotten Ana cremated because I would "have her faster and closer". I was somewhat thrown off by her comment as I'm sure she didn't mean any offense but it seemed like almost a direct "matter of fact" you should have done this type of comment. I responded by telling her that I am comfortable with where she is at since she's next to my grandfather and that we each choose the best for their children. Well, it sparked a slight debate because some moms took offense to it (like I did slightly) and the she deleted me. I don't think she realized that she was the one that told ME what to do with MY child. But nevertheless, it was my fault (apparently).

The second was a lady that told someone that she should not me posting pictures of her dead child on Facebook and that it was disturbing. Well this is just down-right awful. First off, the pages we are using is created for mothers who have lost their children of ALL ages. Each child is beautiful no matter what and it was very cruel for this woman to say that she should not be posting pictures of her dead baby on Facebook. Does she realize that this may be the ONLY picture we have of our precious children? Just because she lost her child after she had a chance to KNOW him/her doesn't mean the loss is any less. It's a terrible loss that NO parent should have to go through and for her to tell us who we can and cannot share a picture with is just horrible. We didn't get a day to see our child breathing, we didn't get a child to hold for more than an hour or two. We didn't get to know what our children were like and this may be the only thing we have of our CHILD. You can remember the good, the laugh, the eyes, the smile, the voice, WE DON'T GET THAT. Our memory may be that of just a simple picture and for someone to tell us that we should be ashamed... well listen lady YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!

A loss is a loss, none bigger or less than another. And I'm proud to say that for the most part I have met nothing but WONDERFUL, SUPPORTIVE men and women and I am so grateful to have met them. They help me know that I am not alone and that I am stronger than this and I will get through it. When I am down, they help me up. I don't know what I would do without these women and I will be forever grateful to them. If out of all of this bad, I have one good thing, it is that of the group of angel mom's I have met after losing Ana. If anyone out there is reading this and needs support, needs someone to talk to, please let me know. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Ana's headstone and due date

I can't begin to explain the emotions I had leading up to Ana's due date. It was almost as though I was regressing through my grief. I was angry about everything. I didn't want to hear about anyone's child, didn't want to be around any children. I didn't want to go to ANY store that had children's items, or perhaps a newborn child. I felt like EVERYWHERE I went there was a constant reminder of what I had lost.

For the first time in about a month and right before her due date, I went to her grave. My anger grew when I saw that her headstone was not put in yet. Yes, it's been cold and the weather hasn't been perfect, but it's already April and the ground has thawed and it's not swampy and muddy.... why isn't her headstone in? So I'm sitting in the cemetery and I called the place immediately and asked about her headstone. First, he asked if I was at St. Mary's Cemetery. I said no, she's at Resthaven. Then, he tried to give me an excuse that the ground was wet and "flooded". I told him that I was at the cemetery and that she is on a hill and that the ground it sturdy. I was so angry I started crying. I almost screamed at him. I told him Ana's due date is April 7th (a Sunday, and I was calling on the 6th, a Saturday) and that I was really hoping that she would have her headstone by then. He said he couldn't do it by Sunday but that he would do it Monday.

I went to visit her on her due date and I left her a single while flower. White for her innocence and her purity. Ana's father went there with me and we had time to ourselves to mourn. We had time to think about her and took time to remember that she would have been here on or before that day. That she should be here in our arms but instead she is in heaven. It was a very hard day for me. 

Under Water

For the past month, leading up to Ana's due date I have not been myself. I feel pressure. I feel like things around me are closing in on me. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation in almost everything I do. I have been searching for myself and I'm waiting to find her.

Under water, the sounds I hear are muffled. All I can hear is my conscious, my heart beat. My conscious telling me to hold on, to fight, to keep swimming and trying to get to the top for a breath of air. There are giggles and grunts in the faint distance but nothing that can help me. It seems like no one can hear me. Under the water, my voice is mute. I can't breathe, I can't scream. My tears, you cannot notice as they are one and the same as the water I am suffocating in. I start to panic. My heart starts to pound, harder, stronger. What do I do? How can I break out of the water that I'm drowning in? Why can't my family and friends hear me? See my struggle? A numbness starts to take over my body. It starts in my chest and slowly takes over my arms, my legs, my head. Things are starting to go by slower. Seconds seem like minutes, even hours as I struggle to make it to the top for a breath of air. A precious breath of air. But my arms and my legs can't move, I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the water.

Back from vacation... back to reality

I am back from my paradise vacation in the Caribbean. I had the most wonderful time. I spent every day in the ocean with beautiful weather and bright blue skies. I couldn't have asked for a better time.

However, now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am having a hard time coming back to reality. Reality is, I am not going to have a baby any time soon. Reality is I need to find a job. Reality is my baby is not coming back. Reality is her due date is less than a month away, and for most people will just come and go as another day. However, I'm finding it very difficult transitioning from fantasy back to reality.

Since I lost Ana the days seem to speed by. It seems like just yesterday I buried my daughter, but in reality it's been almost 5 months. Where have those months gone? I had graduated in December, but where is the job that I've been longing for? Where has time gone?

It's back to reality... my new reality without my baby.

You're not ready for a child anyway

You're not ready for a kid anyway

My mother is usually the one yelling at me to think before i speak. Well this time i can't even explain how hurt i am by how she told me I'm not ready for a kid yet anyway. It's less than 20 days away from my would-be due date and those words have hit me like a dagger to the heart. Mom and i were taking about a situation with Anas father and i explained how i was upset. I told her how at this point I'm glad i don't have a kid with him because of all the mean shit he has said to me on this trip. Her response: You're not ready for a kid anyway.

My heart sank. The tears instantly started running down my face and it felt like the wind was knocked right out of me. I was hyperventilating. I thought... Of all people how could my own mother say something like this to me. After all, she of all people should know how much I wanted to have Ana. How much i wanted my baby and STILL DO. To hear her say that just broke me to pieces and i ran out of her room crying.

Not only was Anas father being mean, so was my mom. Im sorting here crying on a boat in St. Kitts with no where to go. I'm stuck on this trip which i thought was going to be sooooo different. I thought that maybe this would be where things were rekindled... But instead it shed light that this guy really doesn't care about me or the child we had together.

Then to top it off... What my mom said just made me furious. I just don't know how people can say what they do to someone they know had a broken heart. Ana was and still is my everything and always will be. Mama loves you Ana. Mama loves you.

Ana's father

What a shitty turn. Ana crossed my mind for awhile i was sad thinking about her. I tried taking to Victor about it but he just did not want to. He said how can he miss someone who was never here. So it's clear to me he didn't care and probably never will. She will never be as much to him as she was to me. That kills me. Now he doesn't want more kids he doesn't want to think or talk about her is like she never existed. It crushes me because I wanted her so bad and it feels as though he could care less. I want to talk about how much she means to me how much i love her how much i wanted her.... But apparently not with him. I give up. I guess him and I were not meant to be. I have been shying away from him the past few months because after several conversations he said he doesn't want to be with me he wants to be single and live his life as he pleases. I feel like i will never have my dream family. I will never have the children i so desperate wanted. He said why do i make it out to be "him" well he is the one who will not talk to me about her. A part of me wishes i would have called him to the hospital when i first went in. A part of me wishes that he would have seen and been present for what i went through when i lost her. Part of me wishes he knew what it was like to hold your dead baby that you wanted so badly to be alive. But then i think... does he even deserve to be called her father???