Day #25 - Say It Outloud

I am a mother to an angel born sleeping. 

I will always be her mother.

#SayItOutloud

I'm saying it out loud for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. For miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I am saying it out loud for my daughter Ana, who was born too soon. I am saying it out loud for all of the mothers who are grieving in silence.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

We want our children remembered. Please don’t stop talking to us. Please don’t push us away. Please address our children by name, just as you would a living child. Please know that we have many hopes and dreams for a child we never got to fulfill. Please know that we will always have a hole in our heart and emptiness in our arms. How would you like to give one of your children back?

We don't wish this on anyone. This pain we bear is hard. This grief journey we are walking is a very long uphill battle. We want to talk about our children. Remember our angels and what our pregnancies were like. What we felt, what we didn't feel. We want to bring awareness to the community. That this is happening too often.

So I'm saying it out loud and I encourage you to #SayItOutLoud too. Break the silence. Let people know how often these losses are happening. Say it for Ana. Say it for your child.

The statistic of 1 in 4 IS NOT OK!!

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 2

After getting the comment from someone who received one of Ana's Angels RAK's I felt really good. I know that I'm touching lives and that she's touching lives. It made me feel so good to know that my daughter is giving me the strength to turn my grief into something positive.

Day 2

Today will be another simple surprise day... but more-so aimed at children. I will be putting quarters on vending machines throughout the cities which I work and live in. I hope that this brightens a child's day!

Make sure to check back later for updates and pictures!!

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI

Thank you Raebeth B - "My daughter has gone through her toys and clothes. Then we are taking them to the local donation center to donate in Ana and Dakota's name. I can take a picture of the stuff we have ready to go."

Day #24 - Artwork

These pictures/art work have been created by either myself or my friends. There are several others that have made something for me and I love each one of them! Here's just a few:

Courtesy of nilmdts

I made this with friends after I lost Ana.

This picture was taken in Arizona. I edited it to fit the situation.

I made this after I lost Ana as well. I would have loved to take her to Arizona.
(and many other places)

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 1

You may know that I have been planning to do one random act of kindness for each day in April. With today being April 1st I'm kicking off my campaign today! Each day I will post what I'm doing that day. In the evening once it's completed I will post a picture (if I was able to snap one).

For Day 1

Today I am going to buy a 6 pack of popcorn from the local store and I am going to go to 6 redbox video stations and tape the popcorn to the machines. This way they will get to enjoy free popcorn with their movie!

**UPDATED**

Not that it's important, but I couldn't find a 6 pack of popcorn so I bought a 12 pack and promised myself that I would stop by every redbox I passed today. So in total I taped 8 bags of popcorn to redboxes in Appleton and Neenah, WI. 

Here are the pictures from today's adventures!

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI.

Walgreens on Casaloma Drive in Appleton, WI.

Copps Food Center on Wisconsin Avenue in Appleton, WI.

Walgreens on Westowne Drive in Neenah, WI.

Walmart on Winneconne Avenue in Neenah, WI.

Pick n Save in Neenah, WI.

Walgreens on Commercial Street in Neenah, WI.

**UPDATED 4/1/14 10:10pm**

From Ashley B. - I stopped at one of your Redbox's today. The Walgreens in Neenah by Walmart. I was surprised and thought it was super sweet. Now I'm going to pay it forward by doing a random act of kindness. I just wanted to say thanks for turning my crappy day into a better one!

From Alyvia E. - I gave the sonic attendant a $5 tip on a .99 drink. She was so grateful. For you Ana!!

Day #23 - Tattoos and Jewelry

I have not gotten Ana’s remembrance tattoo yet. I want it to be perfect. I want to make sure that it represents her and will forever remind me (Not like I could ever forget) of my angel. I want to have something that people will ask about... something intriguing that catches the eye. When I'm ready, I will get it for her.

I have received several different pieces of jewelry that mean the world to me. Pictured first is the engraved necklace I received from my friends on Facebook's One Stop Mom Spot page. The second picture is a picture of the necklace of a heart with angel wings from my family. The third thing I got was a teardrop necklace from my mother’s co-workers. The last picture is the picture of Ana's ring (a mother's ring). I have her birthstone, my birthstone and then her father’s birthstone in it. I hold each one of these items close to my heart.

Day #22 - Words

Words are deep, but no words are as deeps as the pain we feel after the loss of a child. I've written a lot myself in the past few weeks so I'm going to let these pictures do the talking.

Day #21 - Honor

There are several ways that I am honoring Ana. Most recently I've started Ana's Angels. This is a project where a group of people go out into their communities in the months of April and October to do random acts of kindness in Ana's name. While doing so they are given cards to give out to spread the word of kindness and break the silence surrounding stillbirth.

Last year I participated in the March for Babies through the March of Dimes. However, this year I have registered for doula training through the stillbirthday website.

To sponsor me, please click here and fill out the form to sponsor a student and put my full name Melissa Hamilton. My intro is here:

My name is Melissa H and I am a mother of a beautiful angel born too soon. My only child, Anabelle Luz Molina was born on her father’s birthday (10-21-2012) at 16 weeks after I went into pre-term labor. While I thought I was cramping I was actually having contractions. This was missed for 3 days by two different doctors (an OB and ER doc). They sent me home from the ER with my contractions without running any tests. By The morning of the 4th day it was too late. I went to the ER but had to deliver my child with only a nurse because I wasn’t far enough along to go to L&D. After she was born I was told by the nurse that my daughter was a boy. I didn’t know until two days later that she was the daughter I had always wanted. These doctors think I lost her due to an infection. The backbone of this… I was never told about what to expect while pregnant or any possible risks during pregnancy. I didn’t know what a contraction felt like… or what losing a mucus plug was. Or anything about giving birth. I want to provide the knowledge, love, encouragement, and empathy for birth and bereavement in my community which I did not receive. Please help me in doing so by sponsoring my Stillbirthday Doula and Bereavement training. {since 03.08.14}

This is how I will honor my daughter. By giving back to the community near and far. In addition to my stillbirth experience I feel this training will help me better support the community around me.

Day # 20 - Hope

Having dealt with infertility for many years and then all of the sudden falling pregnant with Ana, I’d be lying if I said I felt hopeful about having other children. This loss has put such a toll on me emotionally that some days I feel like there’s no hope for getting pregnant again. I keep saying I’ll lose the weight and I’ll get back in shape to have another baby but it’s a lot harder than I ever imagined.

For those that join this group in the future, my hope is for you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I will do whatever it takes for you to know that you are not alone and that you will make it through this alive. I know in the days after I lost Ana I had no idea how I could keep living without her. I have, one day at a time. Some days I didn't want to get out of bed, some days I barely slept. The days ran together. I couldn't tell the difference between life and what felt like I was dying too. But I made it. I'm a survivor. My hope for others is to survive as well.

Please know that if you never feel like you're alone or that you don't have anyone who knows what you're feeling... please know it's normal to grieve your child. It's normal to feel the pain and the deep sadness and anger. But then there also comes a time for healing. I think after a year and a half of grieving, I am finally healing. Don't be afraid to reach out... you can always reach out to me!

And remember, we are surrounded by our angels! <3

Photo credit: The Great Cosmic Shift Blog

Day # 19 - Support

Don't get me wrong... my family does the best they can to support me. But sometimes... they just don't get it. They don't get why I'm angry, while simple words about children hurt, or more importantly, the negative comments.

However, the majority of my support has been through the online community. I've reached out to two baby loss communities - one on Facebook called Stillborn and Sleeping Babies Support Group and I also reached out on the Baby Center website for their group forum for 2nd/3rd Trimester Pregnancy Loss. Both of these groups have been a tremendous help to me... but these are not the only groups. There are just too many for me to list right now.

Without the support of these groups, there's a chance I would not be here right now. Depression takes you to deep, dark places. Without talking to others who have been through - and survived - what I've been through gives me comfort knowing I am not alone and that others understand my sadness.

I want to thank each and every one of you. 

Especially my readers. 

You have been my support since I started this journey almost 1.5 years ago. 

March of Dimes - Living a New Normal

Day #18 - Release

What do I want to let go of on this journey of grief? 

Deep pain and sadness. I want to release the pain, the fear, the guilt, the anger that has surrounded me for the past year and a half. I want to be able to say (and feel) like I did everything in my power that I could to save my darling angel. I would have traded places with her if I could have. No child deserves to lose their life before having the chance to live it.

I don't want to hurt every single day thinking about her. I want to be grateful that she lived a life without pain and suffering. I want to be scared of the possibility of a future pregnancy loss. I don't want to feel the guilt that I didn't do enough or I should have fought harder or did something different. I don't want the anger I've been holding in and letting out continue to affect me on a day to day basis.

I know my love for her will never go away. I know that the pain of losing her will never go away. But this deep range of emotions and confusion and grief, I want it to turn into something positive. Something that reminds me of her. Something that will forever display be the joy she brings me.

And... I want to be able to talk about her without breaking down into tears. I want to be strong enough to talk to her, to talk about her, to talk freely and be able to raise awareness while doing so. I want her to be proud of me.

Day # 17 - Time

One day shy of 1 year and 5 months...

Almost 73 weeks...

516 days...

12,384 hours...

44,582,400 seconds...

The more and more I look at this... the more it hurts. When I put time into perspective... it seems like just yesterday. To someone else it probably seems like ages. I can't tell you if time has gone fast or has gone slow. It's all a blur.

My daughter and every child deserves a chance at life. It's not fair that my child was lost. It's still bitter. But I also have to look at it like my child never got to see the cruel reality of this world. She was never hurt, picked on, had a scraped knee, or broke a bone. She is pain free with all of our angels and in a place where there is no greater love. 

Tomorrow is March 21st. That will be 1 year and 5 months. 

Each and every day my heart aches to know who my daughter would be today. 

Time doesn't take that ache away. Her memory is always there.
I will always wonder who she would be today.

Kenny Chesney - Who You'd Be Today

Day # 16 - Seasons

I'm fortunate enough to live in Wisconsin where I am able to experience all four seasons. I love the changing of the seasons... especially winter to spring and summer to fall.

Fall has always been my favorite season. Not too hot, not too cold. It’s just the right time to cuddle up with a blanket in front of a fire. But now the changing of the seasons reminds me of how delicate life is and that nothing –NOTHING – is promised. I no longer think of Halloween when I think of October. I think of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. (PAIL).

I expected her due date to be late March/early April. So not only do I struggle with October but I struggle with April. You'd think that spring makes people happy (which, don't get me wrong I do enjoy spring) but it comes with a slight bitter feeling that I'm not planning birthday parties for my daughter. By the time I end my Capture Your Grief healing experience I will be just days shy of her expected due date. She was born October 21, 2012. Due April 7, 2013. This year I would be planning her first birthday right now....

Little One Botique Hat

Day #15 - Wave of Light

I originally participated in the actual wave of light on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day on October 15, 2013. I want to say a special thank you to Crystal Vodoopija for lighting a candle with me J

I am also going to do it again tonight. I'm asking each and every one of you who read this today:

At 7pm would you please light a candle in memory of Ana and other children gone too soon? This would mean so much to me!

I do not have a picture to post until then. Stay tuned and thank you all for supporting me!

Day #14 - Family

I will start out by saying this: I have a large, loving, supportive family that has done the best to cope with my loss (and theirs). I know it's hard for them to speak Ana's name because they have never lost a child and don't know how to support me. I've had some rough times with them... probably each and every one of them... but they really REALLY try to be there for me. I'm grateful for a family like I have.

Only a portion of my loving, supportive family.

Ana's father has two brothers and his parents are both alive. Besides his two brothers, he also has a large extended family. When I lost Ana I didn't know how they would take it since they didn't even know I was pregnant yet. Both of his parents attended the funeral which made me very grateful for their support. However, they have not spoken of Ana since... until this last weekend. I was caught off guard when his mom brought up Ana. It made me smile :)

Ana has a half brother named Julian. He will be turning 4 at the end of this month. He is the closest thing to Ana that I have. While he's not biologically my son, I love him like he is my child. He knows about Ana and has visited her at the grave, but he doesn't quite understand what happened because of his age. I don't want to burden him with something so hard. He just knows his sister is not here and we will see her again some day.

Through all of this, I've found out that blood does not make a family. I've grown a very large, supportive family throughout my loss that I would never have met with different circumstances. My family has grown to be worldwide. Some share the same heartache I do. Some have been there to support me in my darkest of days knowing that I am not alone and that they would call, Facebook, text, Skype, etc at the drop of a hat if I needed them. I am so thankful that Ana has led me to these wonderful people. There are too many to name, but reading this, you know who you are. Our angels will forever dance together in the sky :)

Found on pinterest.

Day # 13 - Book

Written by Robert Munsch.

Illustrated by Sheila McGraw.

Published by Firefly Books, 1995.

From Robert Munsch's official website:

"Love You Forever started as a song.

“I’ll love you forever,

I’ll like you for always,

as long as I’m living

my baby you’ll be.”

I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn't even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn't sing.

For a long time it was just a song but one day, while telling stories at a big theatre at the University of Guelph, it occurred to me that I might be able to make a story around the song.

Out popped Love You Forever, pretty much the way it is in the book."

Thank you Robert - for writing such a powerful and loving book. I had this book as a child but never understood the depth of the story until I lost Ana. Your book has overwhelmingly helped me heal.