Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 7

DAY 7

Her due date... one year ago today - April 7th, 2014 was her due date. It would have been a Sunday. She should be a year old. I should have been planning a birthday party. I should have been teaching her how to walk. I would be gawking over her every little move.

Instead... I visit her grave. I decorate it on special days. I bring her flowers. I miss her more and more every day. It's been a long road. It's been a lot of downs and very few ups. But I've made it this far.

I haven't been up to the labor and delivery floor at the hospital since before I lost Ana. Since I wasn't past 24 weeks, they wouldn't even send me up there. I've had several friends have babies since I lost Ana. I haven't been able to visit any of them yet, let alone in the hospital. I've been dreading the day that I would HAVE to go back there.

Today was that day...

I took a big step for my healing. I decided to make a basket and deliver it to someone in L&D who had a baby girl today. I also took up three tulip plants... one for the mother of the girl born today and two for other moms who have had babies today or in the past/next day or so.

Walking through the halls leading up to the elevator my heart started pumping and my  palms started to sweat. I was unsure of how I would react if I saw a newborn today. I felt my eyes swelling as I pressed the button for the 3rd floor. As I exited the elevator I was greeted with a friendly smile. I explained to her why I was dropping these plants and basket off and what I would like done with them. She was a very nice lady and I am glad to have went up there even if it was just to talk to her.

I walked away as a couple and their daughter walked out. The little girl had dark skin and dark hair and made me think of what Ana would be today. What she would look like. What she would like. As I stepped back into the elevator I felt an overwhelming sense of relief rush over me. I did it. I made it through delivering the gifts without a break down. I'm healing. One step at a time.

I hope these mama's enjoyed their flowers and basket. Here's a peek of what I dropped off today:

Special thank you to Michelle G for sewing a blanket for the basket last minute. You're awesome!

**UPDATED 4/7/14 9:11pm**

Special thank you to Rickee S. - 250$ worth of groceries for a new mommy who had absolutely no food in her house when she brought her newborn home from the hospital Friday night. we went out and stocked her up all in your sweet name Ana <3

Who You'd Be Today

Tonight I will write about who you'd be today. For now, here's the song.

Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

Day #29 - Healing

Today should have been Ana's first birthday had she been born on her due date. I know it's rare to be born on their due date, I still hold today close to me.

I've come a long way in the past year and a half. I've been working on healing a very sore, open wound. The most that’s given me healing is helping others. Helping them through a loss like no other gives me a warm feeling that only my daughter could fill. Talking about her, about the dreams I had for her, for the things she will never get to do. Being able to talk to other mother’s near or far and knowing that I am not alone in what I am going through and that (even though it feels like it) … that it’s not the end of the world and that I can still go on and live.

photo courtesy of http://ldsscripturespremium.com/

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 6

DAY 6

Simple yet sweet. Paid for someone's order in the Starbucks drive thru. Oh... I might as well mention I don't like coffee or ever go there :)

Day #28 - Special Place

This would be her grave. 

I go there often to talk to her or my grandfather who is next to her. 

I go there when I’m upset, I go there on my lunch breaks. 

I go there on anniversaries and special dates. 

I go there when I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. 

I go there for peace and comfort. 

I go there because I can’t hold my angel in my arms.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 5

DAY 5

I can't think of anyone more deserving of a thank you than those in our Armed Forces. Across the country brave men and women stand up for our freedom every day. They sacrifice so much for us and I could not imagine doing what they do. Their bravery is truly admirable.

Both yesterday and today I searched for men and women who are serving or have served in the military so that I am able to send them thank you cards. I reached out to people on my Facebook page and asked them if they knew anyone who I could send a card to. I wrote them out and will be sending them Monday. Here's a peak at some of the cards :)

If you know someone over seas or even a veteran back home, I would love to send them a thank you. They deserve it. Please let me know.

Thank you Kim D. - "I travel a lot to Kenosha area and I helped a old man when his car ran out of gas and gave him a card in memory of your angel"

Day #27 - Signs

I don't believe in "signs" from the past. Maybe it's because I consider myself a realist. Or maybe it's because it's never happened to me. I've read stories of other moms who feel that they get signs of their child with them. Some say it's butterflies, some say it's a certain feeling that takes over them.

I wish I could say I feel her. That I've gotten signs. But I haven't. But I do believe that the day we went to the grave to release her balloons that she really wanted those balloons up there. Three of them were stuck in a tree but before we left each one of them got loose and flew away. We watched until we couldn't see them anymore.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 4

DAY 4

Today I will be going to dinner and leaving my waiter or waitress a generous tip. I'm not sure how much this will be because I do not know where I am going to dinner. I was hoping to find a pregnant lady or one who just looks super stressed out. Doesn't even need to be my waitperson! The wait staff do not get paid enough and sometimes they rely on their tips. I will update with a picture later.... STAY TUNED!

**UPDATE**

I went to dinner with my parents this evening and I my parents pick what restaurant we went to. Their first suggestion was TGI Friday's. I'm not a huge fan of the food, but I said that's fine as ultimately I was out to give a nice tip to a waiter or waitress who deserved it. When we got there we were told there would be a 25 minute wait. In reality, that wasn't that bad of a wait time, but my mother is diabetic and when she needs to eat, she needs to eat. So we decided to go to Solea's Mexican Restaurant in Appleton, WI. 

We got there and we were immediately seated. There was only one or two empty tables in the main lounge and what looked like two waitresses. Our waitress, Paige, did a great job tonight and while talking to her I learned that she is a 27 year old mom with a young daughter and is paying her way through college. I felt like she deserved every bit of this tip and I was happy to give it to her. When she saw it she immediately tried giving it back but I told her that I was SET in doing this. For Ana... and for you Paige. Thank you for all you do.

UPDATED April 5, 2014

From the waitress, Paige J. - "Thank you so much for giving me the gift that you did...it is so appreciate and I know your little angel is smiling everyday with pride for her mother. Thank you again."

and

Thank you Stephanie H - "I donated to autism speaks and tipped at an fast food restaurant."

Day #26 - Community

Oddly enough, I only knew of one person who had a stillbirth before I lost Ana. Her name is also Melissa. I went to high school with her and then we just happened to enroll in the local community college here at the same time and were in the same program courses. When I lost Ana we were in the same class and she was the only person that I could reach out to and feel like what I was feeling was normal.

While there is a support group that meets once a month, I didn't feel like a support group was the right place for me. At first it was because I didn't want to cry the whole time, then as time went on it was because of different reasons I would make up as the support group dates got closer.

If it wasn't for the PAIL community I would be lost right now. I would be buried inside a dark room with no desire to come out. What helps me is being the support for others in the PAIL community. Giving back to those who have helped me. I want to be there for other families who are going through the same thing that I am. I want to give them just as much as they have given me.

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 3

DAY 3

Today I am searching for children/teenagers who may be going through a rough personal patch in their life and could use a random card for a pick me up. This can be for anyone, worldwide.  Please leave me a comment below if you know of someone that could use a "hello" or a "thinking of you" or a "you're special" card. Also - leave a way that I can contact you today. Thanks!

**UPDATE**

I have received enough requests and am hand writing special notes to each person. These cards will be sent out Saturday morning. Thank you for all of your help finding people that could use a "pick-me-up". I will post pictures when I'm finished.

Day #25 - Say It Outloud

I am a mother to an angel born sleeping. 

I will always be her mother.

#SayItOutloud

I'm saying it out loud for pregnancy and infant loss awareness. For miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. I am saying it out loud for my daughter Ana, who was born too soon. I am saying it out loud for all of the mothers who are grieving in silence.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

We want our children remembered. Please don’t stop talking to us. Please don’t push us away. Please address our children by name, just as you would a living child. Please know that we have many hopes and dreams for a child we never got to fulfill. Please know that we will always have a hole in our heart and emptiness in our arms. How would you like to give one of your children back?

We don't wish this on anyone. This pain we bear is hard. This grief journey we are walking is a very long uphill battle. We want to talk about our children. Remember our angels and what our pregnancies were like. What we felt, what we didn't feel. We want to bring awareness to the community. That this is happening too often.

So I'm saying it out loud and I encourage you to #SayItOutLoud too. Break the silence. Let people know how often these losses are happening. Say it for Ana. Say it for your child.

The statistic of 1 in 4 IS NOT OK!!

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 2

After getting the comment from someone who received one of Ana's Angels RAK's I felt really good. I know that I'm touching lives and that she's touching lives. It made me feel so good to know that my daughter is giving me the strength to turn my grief into something positive.

Day 2

Today will be another simple surprise day... but more-so aimed at children. I will be putting quarters on vending machines throughout the cities which I work and live in. I hope that this brightens a child's day!

Make sure to check back later for updates and pictures!!

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Stevi B's Appleton West

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI

Thank you Raebeth B - "My daughter has gone through her toys and clothes. Then we are taking them to the local donation center to donate in Ana and Dakota's name. I can take a picture of the stuff we have ready to go."

Day #24 - Artwork

These pictures/art work have been created by either myself or my friends. There are several others that have made something for me and I love each one of them! Here's just a few:

Courtesy of nilmdts

I made this with friends after I lost Ana.

This picture was taken in Arizona. I edited it to fit the situation.

I made this after I lost Ana as well. I would have loved to take her to Arizona.
(and many other places)

Ana's Angels Random Acts of Kindness DAY 1

You may know that I have been planning to do one random act of kindness for each day in April. With today being April 1st I'm kicking off my campaign today! Each day I will post what I'm doing that day. In the evening once it's completed I will post a picture (if I was able to snap one).

For Day 1

Today I am going to buy a 6 pack of popcorn from the local store and I am going to go to 6 redbox video stations and tape the popcorn to the machines. This way they will get to enjoy free popcorn with their movie!

**UPDATED**

Not that it's important, but I couldn't find a 6 pack of popcorn so I bought a 12 pack and promised myself that I would stop by every redbox I passed today. So in total I taped 8 bags of popcorn to redboxes in Appleton and Neenah, WI. 

Here are the pictures from today's adventures!

Walmart on Mutual Way in Appleton, WI.

Walgreens on Casaloma Drive in Appleton, WI.

Copps Food Center on Wisconsin Avenue in Appleton, WI.

Walgreens on Westowne Drive in Neenah, WI.

Walmart on Winneconne Avenue in Neenah, WI.

Pick n Save in Neenah, WI.

Walgreens on Commercial Street in Neenah, WI.

**UPDATED 4/1/14 10:10pm**

From Ashley B. - I stopped at one of your Redbox's today. The Walgreens in Neenah by Walmart. I was surprised and thought it was super sweet. Now I'm going to pay it forward by doing a random act of kindness. I just wanted to say thanks for turning my crappy day into a better one!

From Alyvia E. - I gave the sonic attendant a $5 tip on a .99 drink. She was so grateful. For you Ana!!

Day #23 - Tattoos and Jewelry

I have not gotten Ana’s remembrance tattoo yet. I want it to be perfect. I want to make sure that it represents her and will forever remind me (Not like I could ever forget) of my angel. I want to have something that people will ask about... something intriguing that catches the eye. When I'm ready, I will get it for her.

I have received several different pieces of jewelry that mean the world to me. Pictured first is the engraved necklace I received from my friends on Facebook's One Stop Mom Spot page. The second picture is a picture of the necklace of a heart with angel wings from my family. The third thing I got was a teardrop necklace from my mother’s co-workers. The last picture is the picture of Ana's ring (a mother's ring). I have her birthstone, my birthstone and then her father’s birthstone in it. I hold each one of these items close to my heart.