My PCOS diagnosis

I went to the doctor on April 17, 2006 because my periods have stopped completely for several months and I was having abdominal pain. The lack of a period, to me, meant no possibility of having a child (which I wanted). I was diagnosed with PCOS on April 22 of 2006, after having both an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. This was the first time I heard of PCOS and I had no idea that I've been suffering from symptoms for years (and still am).

The conclusion of this ultrasound stated that both of my ovaries are "generous" in size and have a few more peripheral follicles than are usually seen. They said these findings are somewhat borderline but may represent a mild degree of polycystic ovarian disease. My uterus appeared normal. After looking at the ultrasound results and other symptoms I was having, the doctor diagnosed me with PCOS.

I've done a lot of research in regards to PCOS and since I was in high school I've had the following symptoms: 

1. Even during early development, I had irregular menstrual periods. Included in this was very heavy bleeding and painful, painful cramps. 
2. As I gained weight throughout the years, my periods became more and more infrequent.
3. At the point that I saw the doctor, I had not had a period in almost a year.
4. When I met Ana's father, we had sex often without protection. I never got pregnant. The doctors suspect my PCOS and lack of periods led to my infertility.
5. Signs of hirsutism showed increased hair growth on my face, stomach and toes.
6. Cysts on my ovaries (shown by ultrasound).
7. Oily skin, acne, and dandruff. This was often troublesome in high school as kids in school would make fun of me for acne or dandruff. I tried hard to control it with over the counter acne products and dandruff shampoo. This didn't do much.
8. When I was a child I had very, very thick hair. My hair has (and still is) thinning and I notice that one side is thinner than the other side.
9. Patches of skin on my neck that are thick and dark brown. I remember my mom always telling me to "wash your neck better". I would scrub and scrub but it would not come off. Little did I know this was part of PCOS.
10. Skin tags on my neck and armpit areas. Not many, but there are a few small skin tags that I've noticed in the last few years.
11. Pelvic pain... this comes and goes and I think it has to do with cysts "popping" or with ovulation.
12. Anxiety - I have high anxiety and it's usually controlled. Until the loss of Ana, anyway.

This was the beginning of my journey with PCOS. This is something that is a constant daily struggle in trying to conceive... or just trying to feel secure about myself. Symptoms like the patches of dark skin, acne, or the hair on my face left me very cautious of what other people would think about me. I still have many of these symptoms, but I've noticed that some of them have lessened since I've started my weight loss journey. I hope that continuing with my weight loss will help my symptoms lessen more and more.

Saline Infused Sonohysterogram (SIS) and results

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my Saline Infused Sonohysterogram. For this procedure I was given a medication 7 days in advance to relax/soften/open my cervix. The medication they gave me is called cytotec the generic version is called misoprostol. She prescribed 100mcg tablets twice a day orally. I started this medication last week on the third day of my period cycle. When taking the medication I noticed that the bleeding became heavier after taking the pills for a few days. There was cramping and I almost constantly had an upset stomach. Because of this I noticed myself eating more to try calming my stomach from the upset feeling.

I was really nervous about the procedure itself. While it's not like they were going to cut me open... I was afraid they would find a problem that would end in cutting me open to fix it. I got to the doctor yesterday just before 1:45 and the ultrasound (US) tech had me empty my bladder. She had me change from the waste down and then started a vaginal US. Within minutes the doctor performing the procedure was in the room to watch the images on the screen. The US tech first got a look at my empty uterus and both of my ovaries. When she was pushing to find my right ovary it was really tender and I actually told her to stop. They suspect I ovulated from my right side this month because of how tender it was.

Once those pictures were taken they used a speculum to insert a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. Once it was in place she then took the speculum out and inserted the probe again. She filled my uterus up with a balloon of saline water to show the lining of my uterus. During this time she explained that I had a large blood clot in my uterus, but it was not attached to the lining. She made this sound like it was better than having it stuck to the lining. The doctor also told me that there were no signs of polyps or fibriods nor signs of an abnormal (septate) uterus problem.

Finding out that my uterus was not the cause of losing Ana brought a sigh of relief. I was so worried that they would find something that would require surgery and I would have to postpone trying to conceive again. I was worried I would have to go through more physical pain after all of this I was relieved that they didn't find anything they were concerned about.

The most painful part of the whole procedure was when she took the catheter out and had me sit up. My stomach immediately started cramping and I had a sensation similar to when my water broke. It was quite painful and I wasn't expecting it since the procedure itself wasn't too bad. After talking to my regular doctor I stood up to find blood all over the table, chair, and floor. It wasn't as much as when I gave birth to Ana, but certainly brought back some "flashbacks" and I started crying.

Both of the doctors gave me the green light to try to conceive again. They said they have a plan in place for if/when I get pregnant again. Right now, since I have polycystic ovaries, they want me to start on Metformin again on a lesser dose than times in the past which I didn't feel well on. They want me to start on 500mgs and when/if possible to try to get up to 1500mg but only go as far as my body will tolerate. They want me to continue taking my prenatal vitamins because of the loss of blood and the benefits it will give me when I do become pregnant. They said as soon as I know I'm pregnant she wants me in for blood work and they will follow me closely throughout the whole pregnancy. She will also start me on baby aspirin "just in case" to prevent  any possible blood clots. Finally, she will refer me to what they say is one of the best perinatologists in the state.

So basically, they will see me pretty much every week to every other week during my next pregnancy this time to make sure doesn't happen again. Comforting??? .... only slightly.

Weight loss stuggles

Weight has always been a struggle for me. I look back at my grade school pictures and I was always the chubby girl, the fat girl. I was made fun of a lot when I switched schools in the beginning of 4th grade. Knowing I was new to the school, the kids took advantage of this and would make fun of me for my weight and many other things for that matter.

Eating was always a comfort for me. When I was sad, I would eat. When I was happy, I would eat. When I wanted to cry, I would eat. It was my way of coping with feelings I couldn't handle. For the most part, my entire family is some-what overweight and I never had someone preaching about the dangers of not eating healthy or eating too much. I grew in age and I grew in weight, but much higher than other kids I was in school with.

Before meeting Ana's father years ago, I was somewhere in the low 200's (pounds). We dated for those six years and during those six years I gained almost 100 pounds. Towards the end of our six year relationship I was now at my highest weight (over 320 pounds). He knew it was unhealthy and I knew I was unhealthy and I knew I had to do something about it.

Since I'm 5'2, doctors and weight charts estimate I should weigh about 125 lbs. While I doubt I'll ever get to this weight, I knew that I needed to lose weight because I was no longer getting my period cycles. My cycles stopped for approximately 3 years and my doctor put me on medication to trigger my period because she was concerned of uterine problems.

In Oct of 2008 I fractured my hip while falling down a wet set of outside stairs. This was my breaking point. The weight and the fractured hip put me over the edge and I came to the conclusion I was too unhappy and unhealthy to continue living like this. At this rate, even IF I could have kids, I wouldn't be around to see them reach their 20's.

I looked into all sorts of ways to lose weight. I started dieting, I tried the no-carb diet, I tried the "Hollywood" diet, I tried weight watchers, counting calories, etc and nothing seemed to work. I looked into gastric bypass surgeries but I knew I wanted to conceive in the next few years and I know they don't recommend it to give time for your body to heal.

I spoke to my doctor and she started me on phentermine. When I started the medication it gave me such energy I felt like I could keep exercising until I passed out. I would go to the gym almost every day and I saw the pounds shedding off. From January 2009 until Dec 2009 I lost a total of 75 lbs. However, I had a setback and had my gallbladder removed Dec 31, 2009. After this surgery I had some severe complications which meant I wasn't able to work out and I gained back some of the weight (about 25 lbs). 

Although I was no longer on the medication, I started losing weight again at the beginning of this year and it made my total weight loss amount to 87 lbs at the time I conceived Ana.

I know that losing all of the weight was key to getting my cycles back and becoming more regular. When I conceived Ana I was getting my period every month or every other month (at the latest).

While pregnant with Ana, I gained 20 pounds in the first three months. Since I lost Ana, I have lost 12 pounds and need to lose 8 more before being at my "pre-baby" weight. Losing this weight has been a battle for me but I am trying hard (even during the holidays) because I want to try having another baby when my doc (and body) allows.

I credit most of my weight loss to walking. Lots and lots of walking and drinking water. I cut out all soda (diet or not) and this really helped me lose weight as well. I hope that I can continue working hard to lose the rest of the baby weight and continue losing more weight to hope for a better and healthier pregnancy next time.

What makes a mother?

As I'm talking to other grieving mothers, especially those mom's who only have angel babies, some have often asked: I carried a baby, I gave birth to a baby, but my baby is no longer here on Earth. Am I still a mother?

For a short time, I struggled with this question as well. But after thinking about it long and hard, I know I am still a mother. I still have a child, maybe Ana's not here, but she is still MINE. And that makes me a mother. I was sick every day with Ana. I was tired. I was bleeding. I felt her inside me and I gave birth to her. Nothing will ever take that away.

I found this poem which might help others like it has helped me. I know Ana is here with me.

What makes a Mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked “What makes a Mother?”

And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”

This we know is true

“But God can you be a Mother,

When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied

With confidence in His voice

“I give many women babies,

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God

I want my baby to be here.”

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,

And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child’s smile,

With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,

But I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow’s where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don’t be sad today,

I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,

your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home,

And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,

Until your lesson’s through.

And on the day that you come home

they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,

It’s the feeling in your heart

it’s the love you had so much of

Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,

you are a Mother.

Until their time is done.

They’ll be up here with Me one day

and know that you are the best one!”

-Author Unknown.

Skyfall - Grieving Mothers

The more and more I have been listening to this song it reminds me of how us grieving mothers have come together. If you read the lyrics below I’ll explain my reasoning and thoughts being the song… (my thoughts in parenthesis) 

I know I twist the meaning of the song but it means a lot to me to know that I have other moms to lean on that have gone through the same thing I have and are feeling like I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeumyOzKqgI

SKYFALL - ADELE

This is the end                              (feels like the end of the world)
Hold your breath and count to ten  (feels like all we do is hold our breath wishing our babies would come back)
Feel the earth move and then         (feels like we’re spinning out of control)
Hear my heart burst again              (thinking about our babies… our hearts hurt so badly knowing they are not coming back)

For this is the end                                  (feels like the end of the world)
I've drowned and dreamt this moment     (We’ve downed and had nightmares since our losses)
So overdue I owe them                    
Swept away, I'm stolen                          (you were swept away, you were stolen)

Let the skyfall                                  (Let the sky fall)
When it crumbles                             (Let the world crumble)
We will stand tall                             (We want to stand tall, but can’t)
Face it all together                           (We’re going through this together)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall
At skyfall

Skyfall is where we start                                          (The loss of our babies is how we met)
A thousand miles and poles apart                              (We’re thousands of miles away)
Where worlds collide and days are dark                     (We met during our darkest times)
You may have my number, you can take my name     (We will talk, we will listen)
But you'll never have my heart                                  (Our babies will always have our hearts)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

[x2:]
(Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall)

Where you go I go              (We’re walking similar paths)
What you see I see              (We’ve been through similar losses)
I know I'd never be me        (I  might not make it)
Without the security
Of your loving arms              (without someone like you guys to lean on)
Keeping me from harm         (Keep helping me with my thoughts and emotions)
Put your hand in my hand     (Like you’re holding my hand)
And we'll stand                     (And we’ll make it through this, together)

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together

Let the skyfall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
At skyfall

Let the sky fall
We will stand tall
At skyfall

...Thanksgiving? Thanks for what?

Today I feel quite bitter. I've been anxiously awaiting today, because Ana's father would have told his family that "we" were expecting. He wanted to wait until his whole family was together to tell them all about our baby. He wanted to wait until he knew the sex of the baby and could announce it all together. We would have known she was a girl on the 15th of November. Today, he would have told everyone that we were having a precious little girl.

We didn't know we would have lost her before we got the chance to tell everyone. A day I was looking forward to my whole pregnancy, now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I haven't even seen my family yet, but I just don't want to. I don't want to be asked how I'm doing and if everything is alright. I don't want to be asked if I'm feeling better, I don't want to hear about other family issues or excitement. I just want my baby back.

I was looking forward to his family knowing about the baby. I feel like they missed out on the "good" part of my pregnancy only to be greeted by her death. What a way to find out I'm pregnant... when told that I lost the baby. I'm angry about it because they never got to know I was pregnant. I'm angry because they don't get to experience the happiness I felt. I didn't get to share it with them.

It's been just over a month and the large wound doesn't seem to be closing. I'm trying to stitch it up and close it, but I feel like it will always be a sore wound. She was my first, my only. The miracle I've been asking God for, for years. And when I finally get her, she's taken so soon. She's taken before she even gets a chance to live.

So this year I've lost my grandfather, who I was really close to, and also my baby, Ana. Death has brought it's face around too many times this year, including my room mates father and his grandfather as well. This is four close deaths in 2012. This just makes me want 2012 to end that much faster, but I know next year will not be easy either.

So this year, I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for. While I should be happy that I'm still living, a part of me wishes I was eternally with my daughter. A part of me will never be the same. I've struggled and come so far, only to have the only thing that I care for ripped out of me.

I am thankful for the support of the many friends and family that have surrounded me in this time of grief. Without my family and friends, I know I would not have made it through this month. Without the support of my friends and family I would not have been able to pull myself together to finish my last semester of school.

... and I'm thankful this year is almost OVER.

Anger

So I found out that one of my teachers gave me a B+. Most people would be happy, except for the fact that I was expecting an A. I am a straight A student. I've worked very hard for my grades and for myself. Even after losing Ana I've struggled with getting back into what is now my "normal". This teacher has been really flaky from the beginning.

First, before the first class even started she was supposed to hold an "orientation" and assign any homework that may be due for the first class. She never communicated with us so we didn't do anything. Upon the first class she hand's out a syllabus that told us we had stuff due that day. She said she didn't know she was supposed to be there, and was on vacation. Whatever. She rearranges the assignments adding/changing what she felt she needed to. No problem.

I lost Ana on a Sunday, and had sent out an email letting my instructors know what happened and telling them I was not going to be in class, etc. I never received a response from her. I asked her why and she said she didn't know what to say... that's all. Wow. Okay. Since I missed the final class she gave me an extension on the final project and final paper, asked for it within a week. I said I can do that.

I sent her emails asking if I had anything else missing and also sent her my assignments. No response. I asked her and she said she would let me know the next day. I waited. No email. I followed up with her again, she said "grades are posted". I was like, REALLY? This is what she said.

The group insurance plan paper was worth 15%.  You received an A.
The RFP was worth 55%.  You received an A.
The weekly chapter questions were worth 20%.  One paper had 17 out of 20 questions correct and the other and 3 out of 5 correct.  
Class participation was 10% of your grade.  You received half credit for class participation.
In total - your grade was a B+.

Please let me know if you have any additional questions.

I asked her how she can justify the half credit for class participation. This infuriates me to the point where I am so glad I don't have to return to that school after this semester. She is the freakin' director of HR and she lacks such people skills I could scream.

Thanks, b****, for hitting me when I'm down. I don't deserve that grade and YOU KNOW IT. Maybe you confused me for one of the other TWO Melissa's in the class. You can GET BENT!!

Music? To help sooth my soul...

My heart has been broken before, but not like this. No mother and father should ever have to go through the loss of a child, no matter what stage in life. I've always liked music which I could relate to... and lately I've been seeking out music as a way to help sooth my soul. I've started a playlist of songs which I feel like I can relate to right now. I'm including the link below and will continue to update this playlist as I find additional songs.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBgSYgZf9XjcCH615KmWJjDVmeI6jPE9a&feature=mh_lolz

While some songs may not be about the loss of a child, I can in some way relate what I'm going through to what the words are saying. I hope this can help someone else heal from their loss as well.

One Month...

I'm sitting here thinking about the last month and how it has changed my world forever. The events in the last month have almost broken my faith, almost broke myself into pieces. I feel as though I'm so empty without my baby inside of me. I feel so empty knowing that there is no longer an April due date to look forward to. It still stings.

I lost Ana a month ago today. It kills me inside to know that she will no longer be here on Earth with me, but I have to think as though I have an angel watching over me now. I know she doesn't want me to hurt. I know she would want me to be happy and to move on and complete things that I've been working so hard for. But it seems as though I have this heavy weight on my heart that will not be removed even when I accomplish these things.

In the last month, I have come to realize the most important things in life. Such as life itself. There were four major losses this year. I lost my grandfather who I was very close to at the end of March. My room mate lost his father at the beginning of July. I lost my Ana on Oct 21, and just days later my room mate lost his grandfather. It's a tough year and God is calling home some of the greatest people in the world. There will never be a way to replace these amazing and special people.

I'm blessed to have the chance to hold my child, even if it was for a short period of time. I'm blessed to have been able to spend that time with her even if she had already left this world. I just wish her father would have been there. I wish he got the chance to hold her, I wish I would have let my parents hold her. I'm glad I was able to get some pictures of her, I'm glad I was able to get her footprints from the funeral home. I'm blessed to have the memories that I do have of my daughter. I will always remember her.

I also picked up Ana's ring yesterday. I love it. It's just what I need to remember my angel.

This month has not made things easier. I went to a bridal shower yesterday and towards the end I saw a newborn baby girl and a ball formed in my throat. I tried choking back the tears but it just didn't work and it stung inside. I saw how happy everyone was over the new baby and it just stung that it wasn't mine. That I don't have my baby here on Earth, that I won't get to show her off to the people I love the most. At least, not in person. I can only do this through the memories I have of my sweet Ana.

I'm working on getting back to my pre-baby life... only without the baby. This is still very hard for me to come to terms with. I struggle each day knowing that I lost something I will never, ever get back. This is worse than breaking off a friendship, or a relationship after years. This is life, something you will never get back, never get a second chance at. All I can hope is during the short time we had together that she has grown to love me as much as I love her.

I LOVE YOU ANA!

Strength...

Today was a very hard day for me. I went to visit Ana earlier today and left her a single pink rose. It was beautiful, just as I imagine my baby is. I've been having a really hard time grieving lately and a friend shared this song on my Facebook page that just had me in tears. Thank you, Tanya, I can't tell you how badly I needed to hear something like this right now. I am posting both the think for the song and the lyrics below, as I find myself asking this every day.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9ylnx0NA9X4#!

Plumb - Need You Now (How Many Times)

Well, everybody's got a story to tell

And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

So, I guess you're tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

I need you now

My first letter to Anabelle

Ana,

Since the day I found out I was pregnant, I anxiously started my wait to find out your gender. Some people would crack jokes saying, "with how sick you are, it MUST be a girl", or "the heartbeat is high, that's likely a girl". Even my doctor joked about the indications that you would be my little girl. While it really didn't matter what gender you were, the whole family looked forward to knowing what I was having. After I knew the gender it would be time to start buying items for your arrival.

Today would have been the day we found out we have a precious little girl. The girl we all dreamed of. Both of your grandma's wanted a little girl so bad. When your father and I first started dating, his mother would tease me about when I would give them a grandchild. She wanted a baby girl since her other son just had a little boy. I always dreamed of having a little girl, to dress up, to take to dance and swimming lessons, and to brush and style her hair. I wish I got the chance to do these things with you.

I wish I got the chance to hold you again, the chance to hear your first scream. The chance to see your first smile, the chance to hold your hand. There were so many things that I planned for you that I will never get to experience with you. I'm lucky to have had the chance to hold you in my arms, even if it was just for a short time. I will always hold you in my heart.

Today also marks three weeks since we laid you to rest. Today I have asked your father to draw me my first tattoo. Those who know me well know that I am not one for pain, or any type of needle. However, for you I will do anything. I will do anything to have your memory with me at all times. This memory is important for me. You are important to me. I hope you know that.

While I will never experience all those "firsts" that I want to. You will always be my first. My number one. Dance, baby, dance.

With love,

Mommy

Nobody Knows It But Me...

While I know there are people out there that feel the way that I do... this song gives you a good idea of how I'm feeling right now. I know nothing will bring her back but I love her so much and I keep thinking... what if I insisted to the docs to do more? What if? Would she still be here? Would I still have my baby inside me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZStYZPs0KE


Wish I told her how I feel,                        (mama told you she loved you every single day, and she still does)
Maybe she'd be here right now
but instead... 

I pretend that I'm glad you went away       (I could never do this)
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show                  (especially right now)
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say           (to the doctors, to the nurses, to my friends to get me to ER)
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down                    (it sure feels like it)
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

I carry smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside 
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)

Lie awake, it's a quarter past three                           (often I'm up thinking about you late at night)
I'm screaming at night if I thought you'd hear me        (I hope you still hear me from heaven)
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me (well, well)

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
Billion words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still            (forever and ever Anabelle Luz!)

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

oooo oohhhhh yeah

Tomorrow morning, I'm a hit a dusty road
Gonna find you, where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna load my heart and hope you come back to me

The nights are so lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you 
And nobody knows it but me

Dreading Thursday November 15th

I've been anxious lately about how I'm going to handle Thursday, November 15th.

This was supposed to be one of the best points in a woman's pregnancy... one that I've been looking forward to since the day I found out that I was pregnant... it would have been the day we found out the gender of our little baby. I scheduled the appointment so that both Ana's father and my mother could be there.

Ana's father, all of Ana's grandparents wanted a little girl. While it really didn't matter what gender the baby was, deep down I hoped it was a little girl too. And, especially after trying so hard I was afraid this would be my only chance of having a child. This thought still crosses my mind since I know I have to undergo other procedures to check my uterus before getting the "OK" from the doctor to try again.

This Thursday also marks the 3rd week since I buried Ana.

This stings knowing that these days fall just 3 weeks apart. Now, instead of going to the doctor appointment for my ultrasound, I'll be going to the cemetery to visit her grave. I've been thinking about this day for the past week and the stress and anxiety has been building on me and building on me. I counted down the days until I went to this appointment and now I'm wishing the days would just stop and give me some time to catch up.

Thursday... how I dread you... I have to get past you but I know it won't be easy. I have class on Thursday and I am just praying that I will be able to focus on what I need to accomplish and then have a nice visit with Ana's father at her grave site. You'd think after three weeks that this pain would start easing, but it really hasn't.

Another way of healing...

I have several things from my pregnancy of Ana's that I want to scrapbook these items for a memory of her. I am not always the best at keeping things in a safe location, so I think it's best that I start on this now. I want to use my anger in sadness in ways that I can express myself, but in the best possible light I can.

I used to create my own makeup... and I haven't done this for quite some time. I think I might make a collection of eye shadow colors for myself in memory of her. I'll even save some in small bags and put them in the scrapbook. I need to heal. I need to find ways to keep myself busy too, because the more I sit and think, the sadder I feel.

I miss her so much it hurts. Lately, I've felt so numb. Numb to the point where I can't even cry. I am trying to suck everything up and finish school and try to do what was expected of me before Ana. This is hard. This is very hard for me. Today I took one of the tests I missed while I was so sick in the hospital. While I won't know how I did for awhile, I hope I can keep my good grades. I feel all this pressure on my shoulders and until I get these things done, I don't feel like I'll fully be able to grieve the loss of my little angel.

I know Ana would want me to finish school for her and any future siblings she might have. Most of all, I know she would want me to finish it for myself since I've worked this hard to get there. The days are winding down and I want to make sure everything is in place so I will have my diploma and can move on to the next step in my life.

I WILL do this for her!

Routine? What routine?

Before I knew I was pregnant I scheduled my final semester at school with plans to graduate in December of this year. I piled on the last of my classes and told myself that in the end, it will all be worth it. I took 20 credits again this semester which is almost twice what the average student takes. I made the mistake of procrastinating on some of the harder classes that I just didn't want to take until I absolutely had to for my degrees.

I'm in school for human resources and business management. I started school in January of 2011 and have been a straight A student throughout my entire enrollment. I started my last semester of classes in late August shortly after I found out I was pregnant. While I was nervous at first, I had faith in myself that I could finish school and have time to prepare for baby after the holidays were over.

During my pregnancy I was really sick and some days I barely wanted to get out of bed. This made my semester at school very difficult since there were days I couldn't focus in class or was so sick I couldn't even attend class. I still did my best to apply myself in each of my classes and as of right now, I have completed two classes this semester with A's.

After I lost Ana, I was very sick and hospitalized the day after I left the ER. After I was released I had to prepare for my precious girls funeral and recover from the infection they were treating me for. I missed almost two complete weeks of school now which has been very hard for me. I just can't seem to get back into my pre-pregnancy routine which I was very strict with. Now, there's days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I've attempted a few classes, but I just can't seem to focus on what the instructor is teaching. My mind starts to drift and I lose focus on the instructor and start thinking about so many things. I had to leave in the middle of the class last week because I couldn't stop crying. I felt like everyone was staring at me and no one had any clue what was going on. I felt so alone and overwhelmed I packed up my items and left.

I'm also supposed to be attending an internship this semester at a local plumbing company. I let him know by phone what happened with Ana and let him know I would be out of the office for awhile. I tried returning to talk to him about making up a new schedule because I just didn't think I would be able to focus for such long periods of time, but it seems as though he is too busy to contact me.

In a way, I want to get back to my normal "routine" as fast as possible so that I can keep up with school and my internship and get a sense of myself back. However, it hurts so much each day knowing that the things I'm doing are without my baby inside of me. After having such an intense loss, I feel like I don't know what normal is anymore. I feel guilty for moving on and doing the things I should be doing because I'm living and Ana's not. I feel such an immense pain inside of me and it's hard to do anything anymore.

There were so many things that I was planning after my graduation to plan for the baby. All of my plans that I made started revolving around this child I was carrying. Now, all of these plans are gone. I am still planning to graduate in December, but then what? This period of time I was looking forward to, I now dread so much.

I know I need to get back to school and finish my classes, but I also want to make sure that I am able to continue the quality of work I performed before I lost Ana. I want to make sure I'm not sitting at school taking my math final and start balling in the middle of it. I've told my instructors and most of them are very understanding about it... but I just can't get myself there.

I wish so much that the things I were doing would lead up to the birth of my daughter as planned. The fact that this will not happen leaves me feeling anxious and sad about the future. Now, I have to start making new plans in place of what I would have done when having her. This also makes me feel guilty.

So what should I be doing today? I should probably be attempting to get back to my normal "routine". But again, today just hurts so bad that I'm not sure I'm ready to do this.

This week was a week I've been looking forward to for a long time...