Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Dreading Thursday November 15th

I've been anxious lately about how I'm going to handle Thursday, November 15th.

This was supposed to be one of the best points in a woman's pregnancy... one that I've been looking forward to since the day I found out that I was pregnant... it would have been the day we found out the gender of our little baby. I scheduled the appointment so that both Ana's father and my mother could be there.

Ana's father, all of Ana's grandparents wanted a little girl. While it really didn't matter what gender the baby was, deep down I hoped it was a little girl too. And, especially after trying so hard I was afraid this would be my only chance of having a child. This thought still crosses my mind since I know I have to undergo other procedures to check my uterus before getting the "OK" from the doctor to try again.

This Thursday also marks the 3rd week since I buried Ana.

This stings knowing that these days fall just 3 weeks apart. Now, instead of going to the doctor appointment for my ultrasound, I'll be going to the cemetery to visit her grave. I've been thinking about this day for the past week and the stress and anxiety has been building on me and building on me. I counted down the days until I went to this appointment and now I'm wishing the days would just stop and give me some time to catch up.

Thursday... how I dread you... I have to get past you but I know it won't be easy. I have class on Thursday and I am just praying that I will be able to focus on what I need to accomplish and then have a nice visit with Ana's father at her grave site. You'd think after three weeks that this pain would start easing, but it really hasn't.

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