...Thanksgiving? Thanks for what?

Today I feel quite bitter. I've been anxiously awaiting today, because Ana's father would have told his family that "we" were expecting. He wanted to wait until his whole family was together to tell them all about our baby. He wanted to wait until he knew the sex of the baby and could announce it all together. We would have known she was a girl on the 15th of November. Today, he would have told everyone that we were having a precious little girl.

We didn't know we would have lost her before we got the chance to tell everyone. A day I was looking forward to my whole pregnancy, now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I haven't even seen my family yet, but I just don't want to. I don't want to be asked how I'm doing and if everything is alright. I don't want to be asked if I'm feeling better, I don't want to hear about other family issues or excitement. I just want my baby back.

I was looking forward to his family knowing about the baby. I feel like they missed out on the "good" part of my pregnancy only to be greeted by her death. What a way to find out I'm pregnant... when told that I lost the baby. I'm angry about it because they never got to know I was pregnant. I'm angry because they don't get to experience the happiness I felt. I didn't get to share it with them.

It's been just over a month and the large wound doesn't seem to be closing. I'm trying to stitch it up and close it, but I feel like it will always be a sore wound. She was my first, my only. The miracle I've been asking God for, for years. And when I finally get her, she's taken so soon. She's taken before she even gets a chance to live.

So this year I've lost my grandfather, who I was really close to, and also my baby, Ana. Death has brought it's face around too many times this year, including my room mates father and his grandfather as well. This is four close deaths in 2012. This just makes me want 2012 to end that much faster, but I know next year will not be easy either.

So this year, I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for. While I should be happy that I'm still living, a part of me wishes I was eternally with my daughter. A part of me will never be the same. I've struggled and come so far, only to have the only thing that I care for ripped out of me.

I am thankful for the support of the many friends and family that have surrounded me in this time of grief. Without my family and friends, I know I would not have made it through this month. Without the support of my friends and family I would not have been able to pull myself together to finish my last semester of school.

... and I'm thankful this year is almost OVER.