Monday, November 12, 2012

Routine? What routine?

Before I knew I was pregnant I scheduled my final semester at school with plans to graduate in December of this year. I piled on the last of my classes and told myself that in the end, it will all be worth it. I took 20 credits again this semester which is almost twice what the average student takes. I made the mistake of procrastinating on some of the harder classes that I just didn't want to take until I absolutely had to for my degrees.

I'm in school for human resources and business management. I started school in January of 2011 and have been a straight A student throughout my entire enrollment. I started my last semester of classes in late August shortly after I found out I was pregnant. While I was nervous at first, I had faith in myself that I could finish school and have time to prepare for baby after the holidays were over.

During my pregnancy I was really sick and some days I barely wanted to get out of bed. This made my semester at school very difficult since there were days I couldn't focus in class or was so sick I couldn't even attend class. I still did my best to apply myself in each of my classes and as of right now, I have completed two classes this semester with A's.

After I lost Ana, I was very sick and hospitalized the day after I left the ER. After I was released I had to prepare for my precious girls funeral and recover from the infection they were treating me for. I missed almost two complete weeks of school now which has been very hard for me. I just can't seem to get back into my pre-pregnancy routine which I was very strict with. Now, there's days I don't even want to get out of bed.

I've attempted a few classes, but I just can't seem to focus on what the instructor is teaching. My mind starts to drift and I lose focus on the instructor and start thinking about so many things. I had to leave in the middle of the class last week because I couldn't stop crying. I felt like everyone was staring at me and no one had any clue what was going on. I felt so alone and overwhelmed I packed up my items and left.

I'm also supposed to be attending an internship this semester at a local plumbing company. I let him know by phone what happened with Ana and let him know I would be out of the office for awhile. I tried returning to talk to him about making up a new schedule because I just didn't think I would be able to focus for such long periods of time, but it seems as though he is too busy to contact me.

In a way, I want to get back to my normal "routine" as fast as possible so that I can keep up with school and my internship and get a sense of myself back. However, it hurts so much each day knowing that the things I'm doing are without my baby inside of me. After having such an intense loss, I feel like I don't know what normal is anymore. I feel guilty for moving on and doing the things I should be doing because I'm living and Ana's not. I feel such an immense pain inside of me and it's hard to do anything anymore.

There were so many things that I was planning after my graduation to plan for the baby. All of my plans that I made started revolving around this child I was carrying. Now, all of these plans are gone. I am still planning to graduate in December, but then what? This period of time I was looking forward to, I now dread so much.

I know I need to get back to school and finish my classes, but I also want to make sure that I am able to continue the quality of work I performed before I lost Ana. I want to make sure I'm not sitting at school taking my math final and start balling in the middle of it. I've told my instructors and most of them are very understanding about it... but I just can't get myself there.

I wish so much that the things I were doing would lead up to the birth of my daughter as planned. The fact that this will not happen leaves me feeling anxious and sad about the future. Now, I have to start making new plans in place of what I would have done when having her. This also makes me feel guilty.

So what should I be doing today? I should probably be attempting to get back to my normal "routine". But again, today just hurts so bad that I'm not sure I'm ready to do this.

This week was a week I've been looking forward to for a long time...

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