Sunday, November 18, 2012

One Month...

I'm sitting here thinking about the last month and how it has changed my world forever. The events in the last month have almost broken my faith, almost broke myself into pieces. I feel as though I'm so empty without my baby inside of me. I feel so empty knowing that there is no longer an April due date to look forward to. It still stings.

I lost Ana a month ago today. It kills me inside to know that she will no longer be here on Earth with me, but I have to think as though I have an angel watching over me now. I know she doesn't want me to hurt. I know she would want me to be happy and to move on and complete things that I've been working so hard for. But it seems as though I have this heavy weight on my heart that will not be removed even when I accomplish these things.

In the last month, I have come to realize the most important things in life. Such as life itself. There were four major losses this year. I lost my grandfather who I was very close to at the end of March. My room mate lost his father at the beginning of July. I lost my Ana on Oct 21, and just days later my room mate lost his grandfather. It's a tough year and God is calling home some of the greatest people in the world. There will never be a way to replace these amazing and special people.

I'm blessed to have the chance to hold my child, even if it was for a short period of time. I'm blessed to have been able to spend that time with her even if she had already left this world. I just wish her father would have been there. I wish he got the chance to hold her, I wish I would have let my parents hold her. I'm glad I was able to get some pictures of her, I'm glad I was able to get her footprints from the funeral home. I'm blessed to have the memories that I do have of my daughter. I will always remember her.

I also picked up Ana's ring yesterday. I love it. It's just what I need to remember my angel.

This month has not made things easier. I went to a bridal shower yesterday and towards the end I saw a newborn baby girl and a ball formed in my throat. I tried choking back the tears but it just didn't work and it stung inside. I saw how happy everyone was over the new baby and it just stung that it wasn't mine. That I don't have my baby here on Earth, that I won't get to show her off to the people I love the most. At least, not in person. I can only do this through the memories I have of my sweet Ana.

I'm working on getting back to my pre-baby life... only without the baby. This is still very hard for me to come to terms with. I struggle each day knowing that I lost something I will never, ever get back. This is worse than breaking off a friendship, or a relationship after years. This is life, something you will never get back, never get a second chance at. All I can hope is during the short time we had together that she has grown to love me as much as I love her.


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