Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Another way of healing...

I have several things from my pregnancy of Ana's that I want to scrapbook these items for a memory of her. I am not always the best at keeping things in a safe location, so I think it's best that I start on this now. I want to use my anger in sadness in ways that I can express myself, but in the best possible light I can.

I used to create my own makeup... and I haven't done this for quite some time. I think I might make a collection of eye shadow colors for myself in memory of her. I'll even save some in small bags and put them in the scrapbook. I need to heal. I need to find ways to keep myself busy too, because the more I sit and think, the sadder I feel.

I miss her so much it hurts. Lately, I've felt so numb. Numb to the point where I can't even cry. I am trying to suck everything up and finish school and try to do what was expected of me before Ana. This is hard. This is very hard for me. Today I took one of the tests I missed while I was so sick in the hospital. While I won't know how I did for awhile, I hope I can keep my good grades. I feel all this pressure on my shoulders and until I get these things done, I don't feel like I'll fully be able to grieve the loss of my little angel.

I know Ana would want me to finish school for her and any future siblings she might have. Most of all, I know she would want me to finish it for myself since I've worked this hard to get there. The days are winding down and I want to make sure everything is in place so I will have my diploma and can move on to the next step in my life.

I WILL do this for her!

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