Ana's first angelversary poem

Our precious princess Anabelle
We think of you today
But that is nothing new
We think of you each day

Today is your 1st angelversary
We can't spend it with you
Instead we light a candle in your memory
And say Happy birthday to you

We can't begin to tell you sweetheart
How much you are loved and missed
We long to hold you close to us
And give you a birthday kiss

We hope you have a wonderful birthday
Although we can't be there
We know your happy darling
Up in heaven somewhere

-Written for Ana on her first angelversary by Michele Bird

It's been one whole year...

It's been one whole year since I said goodbye to my angel. A year ago tomorrow we buried her next to my grandfather in the city I grew up in. This week has been hard. I've found a very demanding job (which I'm thankful for) but I feel as though I wasn't able to celebrate like mother's want to. A child's first birthday is a BIG celebration. While we held a balloon release for her, we certainly didn't celebrate. It was a somber event, cold and windy like I remember the day we buried her.
The pain in sharp. The further into the day I went... The harder it wass to breathe. It literally felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs and the tears built like wells. I worked on Monday and I, for the first time, had no problems with payroll. I credit this to my angel watching over me, because, up until this Monday, I have had an error of some type in my work (since I'm still learning). But on Monday everything went smoothly and I finished it all before my deadline. I know she was watching over me. I know she was there because if she wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to handle another late deadline. I know she was making sure her mama had a good day. For this, I am so very thankful.
It was short notice, but I was able to gather my family together the day before her first angelversary for the balloon release I mentioned. I'd like to include some pictures, as they will be the only things I have to hold onto for her special day.

This is my lovely support. My family. My everything.

Capture Your Grief

October is most commonly recognized as breast cancer awareness month. Before I lost Ana I had no clue that it was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) awareness month as well. To tell you the truth, I never thought about a mother losing a child. In my eyes, every woman should be blessed with a child. Little did I know that 1 in 4 women will suffer the loss of a child.

For the the first few months after losing Ana I literally felt lost. Like I was standing still day after day and the world was just passing by. I felt like I didn't fit in, that no one wanted to talk to me: that no one understood the unbearable pain I was enduring. I hate the feeling of being alone... the feeling like everyone is looking at you and they want to say something but they don't know what to say so they turn away before you notice them. I knew I just couldn't feel like this anymore.

I started writing. I wrote down how I was feeling, no matter how bad it felt. The purpose of it was to be true to my heart and to tell someone... anyone... or even just the piece of paper I was writing on. What I was doing was capturing my grief, day by day... or sometimes hour by hour.

In the immediate days surrounding my loss, I could barely function. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking about all of the "what if's". Instead of sitting there I picked up a pen and started writing. It's been important to me to get the word out about my loss. I've become active in the Stillborn and Sleeping Babie Support Group on Facebook and eventually becoming an administrator. Doing so helped me begin healing my ever-so-broken heart. But being an open ear to other mothers going through the unthinkable has also helped me feel like Ana's memory will live on forever.

In memory of Ana, this month I am participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief 2013 Campaign. While I have a late start, I will finish this project for myself and for my daughter. If you'd like to participate, don't put pressure on yourself to do a subject each day. Feel free to pick and choose the ones you'd like. But I will be posting here, starting with #1.

(He has me) Barely Breathing

"Barely Breathing" - Duncan Sheik

I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline
When I kiss away your tears

You really had me going
Wishing on a star
The black holes that surround you
Are heavier by far

I believed in your confusion
So completely torn
Must have been that yesterday
Was the day that I was born

There's not much to examine
There's nothing left to hide
You really can't be serious
If you have to ask me why
I say goodbye

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah

Everyone keeps asking
What's it all about?
I used to be so certain
Now I can't figure out

What is this attraction?
I only feel the pain
There's nothing left to reason
And only you to blame
Will it ever change?

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

I've come to find
I may never know
Your changing mind
Is it friend or foe?

I rise above or sink below
With every time
You come and go
Please don't come and go

'Cause I am barely breathing
And I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you care

And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
But I don't suppose it's worth the price
It's worth the price, the price
That I would pay, yeah yeah, yeah
But I'm thinking it over anyway
I'm thinking it over anyway

Well, I know what you're doing
I see it all too clear

Unprotected Protection

I see that some of my posts have not been posting so I'm "releasing" them so to speak. Sorry for the delay in posting:

Some of you may have read earlier posts about living with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I lost Ana in October and since then her father has been hesitant to have sex. He's so worried about having another child right now that he even tried using condoms. Yes, that's a shocker because (as I'm sure many of you have heard) he doesn't like wearing them. But, he's so worried about having another child right now that our sex life has slowed down, things have kind of been "blah".

Well, since I lost Ana I've also gained some weight back. Because of this I'm not getting my period as often as I should be. As a matter of fact, my last period was noted in a blog. So I'm going on probably 3-4 months without one. I explained this to him and how it's unlikely I'll get pregnant without a cycle, etc. I also tried telling him how sex doesn't feel as intimate or as sensual as it did before. When we DTD he now insists on pulling out. I know that it doesn't guarantee protection, but him pulling out + my fertility problems = no baby.

Tonight him and I had sex for the first time without him pulling out. It was a heat of the moment type thing but I never expected how he would react afterwards. He literally freaked out on me. He kept saying "Oh my God you're going to get pregnant." Over and over. Then, he went completely silent. I tried consoling him I tried explaining again about my lack of period and what-not since I gained so much weight, but there was no making him feel better. He wouldn't talk and it was awkwardly quiet. I was very upset by the way he was acting and I just left his house. I couldn't take the silence and the way that he reacted. I have a feeling we won't be having sex for quite some time after this :(

Return To Zero

Return To Zero - A film about Stillbirth
 Staring Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein

Since I lost Ana, I have become an advocate about stillbirth awareness. I came across a Facebook page called Return To Zero. Return to Zero is a true story based on director Sean Hanish's experience with his wife during and after the stillbirth of their son. This is the first film based soley on raising awareness about stillbirth. The movie has finished filming and is now working on getting the attention of Hollywood to show them that there is an audience for this type of film.

I have signed up with Return to Zero to become a Local Leader. Local Leaders are responsible for encouraging people in their communities and social circles to commit to seeing the movie on opening weekend. Pledging to see the film will help the Return To Zero team prove to distributors that there is an audience for this film.

Please use the following link to pledge to see Return To Zero on it's opening weekend. It will ask who your local leader is, please put "Melissa Hamilton". Lets break the silence about stillbirth!

Return To Zero

Kicked in the face (again)

I'm extremely frustrated as I'm writing this post so please excuse me and my language and tone but I am so, sooo sick of being kicked in the face over and over again. I fought my way through school, I fought through the loss of my daughter, I fought through the remainder of school so I could graduate on time, I fought for the job I thought was "the one". I fought for that job just for them to kick me in the face... again.

I started a scheduling/dispatch position on May 1st for an electrical/mechanical company in the area. Every day I went to work excited to learn something new. I enjoy a challenge and liked how every day was different. I started on a Wednesday and my first few days were scattered with introduction and orientation meetings like a typical new job. However, just three days after (Monday) they had me taking my own calls with very little training. It was simple enough: Ask for the company name and issue, their name and a phone number they could be called back at. Then I would ask them how they wanted it handled and I would call the customer back and let them know when a technician would be coming. When they weren't on a "spot" call, they would go to businesses and perform their preventative maintenance. This was scheduled a few days to a week before.

I enjoyed every day. I went to work every day in a good mood with a smile on my face and often asked questions. But today... I was let go today apparently because I'm not "bubbly" or some shit. I answer the phone with a smile on my face. Sometimes I'm not sure about certain terminology like capacitors versus compressors but I was learning. My co-workers were colorful. There were several times during each day where I would just sit back and listen to some of their conversations because I thought they were outrageous and sometimes very unprofessional. Being the new person... what am I supposed to say? I certainly didn't want to say something wrong only knowing them a week or two so far so I chose to only say things that were "safe".

 I kind of kept to myself because I really didn't know what to think. The one girl calls guys things like "studman" and one of the other guys calls her "tinker bell" and just stupid shit like that. There were several times where they were dropping F-bombs in the office and sometimes even over the phone with their technicians. Just the other day my supervisor told me she thought I was doing a great job and catching on quickly so this all came as a huge shock to me!

It bothers me to think that I was actually excited and looking forward to working at a company like this when they really let me go with very little reason or cause. They don't know even a quarter of what I have been through in the last year and I'm glad I never opened up to them. I keep myself guarded because of situations like this where I take a chance and try hard just to be kicked in the face.

In the end, screw them! Honestly, I couldn't stand the one girl being such a slut anyhow. "Oh, it was confirmed last night, I'm not high maintenance." Like, really bitch no one fucking cares. Especially me.

Mother's Day

Many women will never know what it's like to lose a child. No mother ever should. It's one of the worst feelings in the whole world. I've told people I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy... because I wouldn't. No matter how much evil a person is, I would never wish that they would have to feel the pain and the emptiness that I do. This is my first Mother's Day after I got pregnant. This was my first Mother's Day I should have spent with my daughter.

This is supposed to be a day for mother's to be proud of their children and to be honored by those around them for doing such a great job. But my child is not here with me. I don't get to hold her, kiss her. I'll never get to hear her tell me she loves me or that I'm the best mom in the world. I'll never get a project from her in school for Mother's Day. Mother's around the world are beaming and proud of their children. I'm proud of Ana in every single way, but it hurts me so bad that she's not here with me.

I knew today wasn't going to be easy. I knew today was going to be emotional. I woke up this morning and I knew my family had plans to go to my grandmother's. It was awkward. People didn't know what to say to me so many said nothing at all. This is my own family, the side of the family which I would say I'm close to. I got a hug or two but many sad eyes and "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say smiles". I told my mom and grandma Happy Mother's Day, I ate quickly, but then I sat on the couch away from everyone else while they talked. I just didn't feel like socializing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to say something and make everyone uncomfortable or have that awkward silence. I just kept to myself in a world where I don't fit in.

I told Ana's father today that I was sad that I had to visit my daughter at the grave for Mother's Day. The only thing he had to say was that everything will be okay and that I shouldn't be sad. I'm sure he just doesn't know what to say. But he did ask when Father's Day was, and I wonder why. He's got a son he can hold and he can hear his son tell him he loves him. I don't want to be jealous but I am. I hurt because I have a daughter but yet it feels like I am not a Mother. I have no living children and I wonder if this is just how it was meant to be.

I love you Ana. Forever my daughter.

My October Angel

Yesterday was one of the first warm, sunny days we have had in Wisconsin since last fall. Since I start a new job next week, I wanted to get out of the house and do something, even if it wasn't much, to keep my mind busy. I asked my friend if she would like to go to some rummage sales in the neighborhood by my parents house to get some exercise and browse.

We met at 10:00 and started on the far end of the neighborhood. The grass is finally starting to turn green, the trees are starting to bud. It was warm enough that I only wore a tank top and some Bermuda shorts! As we walked through the neighborhood, the first house we walked up to had several nick-knacks of various types. As I was browsing I saw one particular item that was just WAITING for me. So simple, so beautiful... it was a porcelain Precious Moments angel that said "October". I looked at the price and it was only 50 cents! I don't think anyone else would have cared so much about a simple October Angel, but I did.

I found my prized possession. As we walked through the rest of the neighborhood we ended up looking at probably 30-40 houses. I could not find one other thing that was worth me buying. But that October Angel sure made my day. I was excited to show it to my mother when I stopped by her house. I unwrapped it from the newspaper it was wrapped in and I showed it to her. Her expression was slightly puzzled. She said, "that's nice, but why October??"

I literally had no response for her. I just kinda looked at her and tilted my head with a look that said... "REALLY?" It's so easy for people to forget Ana. But I can't. Even though she is not here she will always be remembered. She will always be my first child. No one can take this away from me. I know she didn't mean to "forget" or let it slip her mind, but at the same time it really hurt me that she didn't remember or wasn't able to put 2 and 2 together. Oh well, I still have my angel!

March for Babies... Success!!

I have never participated in a walk for a cause. However, after losing Ana I felt compelled to do something different, something in memory of her. I decided in February that I would be joining the March for Babies in Appleton, WI on April 20th, 2013. This was completely something new to me. I knew I wanted to help. I knew that raising money was important to help other babies that are born too soon. Although Ana didn't make it, I wanted to help in some way.

I've also never been much for raising money or donations for anyone or any special group/cause. I set my mind to doing the March for Babies and I had to figure out how to raise the money for my first goal: $500. I also knew it was very important to find a good, supportive group of people that would walk on April 20th with me in memory of Ana.

I went to Facebook to announce my walk, the date, and to ask for donations. Through my friends on Facebook (Kelly, Allison, Jennifer, Megan, Karissa, and Mareike) I raised $130. My mother donated $50, my Aunt Polly and my Aunt Diane each donated $20, and my Aunt Annette donated $100. In addition, my sister's "big boss", Missi, donated $40. The donations of the people I mentioned, and the very generous $200 sponsorship from my dentist, I surpassed my goal and raised a total of $560!!

I am very proud of my group that came to walk with me. While my mother tried backing out at the last minute because it was unusually cold for an April morning, I explained again that this was in memory of Ana and how important this was to me to have her support. My mother, my sister, my two best friends (Kim and Jessica), my Aunt Annette, Uncle Dave, Aunt Diane, two of my cousins (Andrea and Brianne), my sister's "big boss" and one of her co-workers (for a total of 12 walkers!) joined me on Saturday in the cold, windy weather to battle the 2 mile walk. While I didn't get a picture of everyone, here are some of our pictures to enjoy. 

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart to everyone who helped me in some way, shape or form!

 This is a picture of my sister (Jenna), my best friend (Kim) and myself before the walk. The white lei's let others know we are walking in memory of a child who didn't make it. 

This picture is my group walking in the cold April weather.

Top left: my Uncle Dave, cousin Andrea

Bottom left: My sister Jenna, my bff Kim, myself, my Aunt Annette, and bff Jessica

(Some of my walkers had already left)

SURVIVOR!

It's just over 6 months since I lost my sweet baby Ana. It's been just less than 6 months since I buried her next to my grandfather. It's been just over a year since I lost my grandfather. But throughout all of this, I am a SURVIVOR.

I have my down days, I have my I don't want to get out of bed days. I have my good days where I can function normally and feel like everything is okay. I just have to remember that I am a survivor.

I honestly believe God doesn't give you anything you can't handle and I survived. I was very very ill after losing Ana, both physically and mentally. I was hospitalized the day after I lost her because I had lost over half of my blood and was still bleeding very heavily.

I was in a very dark place after losing Ana mentally. I hated everyone I hated everything I didn't want to do anything. I felt like life could not go on. But I survived.

I still have days where things just aren't "right" and I'm sad but I know that Ana wants me to be happy and she doesn't want to see me down and out. She wants to see her mom as she was while she knew me. Happy, healthy, loving life and living as I should.

Ana is and always will be my daughter. My first daughter. The daughter I always wanted and I DID have. She was a part of me that will never be the same but a part of me that will carry her with me forever. She was born on her father's birthday. She was 16 weeks. She was perfect in every way. I will always love her. I survived and I will continue to be... a SURVIVOR!

Angel Moms (the good and the bad)

Since I've lost Ana I have reached out to several different groups for grieving mothers. Some of them are particularly for stillborn or sleeping babies, some of them are for mother's who have lost children at all ages. I want to say that 99.9% of the mother's I have met have been inspiring, supportive, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and there for me and other mother's 100%. However, there were two particular instances where I've been perturbed by.

The first being a few days ago when I posted on my Facebook page about how Ana's headstone still wasn't in place. A girl, who I have talked to a few times before, told me that I should have gotten Ana cremated because I would "have her faster and closer". I was somewhat thrown off by her comment as I'm sure she didn't mean any offense but it seemed like almost a direct "matter of fact" you should have done this type of comment. I responded by telling her that I am comfortable with where she is at since she's next to my grandfather and that we each choose the best for their children. Well, it sparked a slight debate because some moms took offense to it (like I did slightly) and the she deleted me. I don't think she realized that she was the one that told ME what to do with MY child. But nevertheless, it was my fault (apparently).

The second was a lady that told someone that she should not me posting pictures of her dead child on Facebook and that it was disturbing. Well this is just down-right awful. First off, the pages we are using is created for mothers who have lost their children of ALL ages. Each child is beautiful no matter what and it was very cruel for this woman to say that she should not be posting pictures of her dead baby on Facebook. Does she realize that this may be the ONLY picture we have of our precious children? Just because she lost her child after she had a chance to KNOW him/her doesn't mean the loss is any less. It's a terrible loss that NO parent should have to go through and for her to tell us who we can and cannot share a picture with is just horrible. We didn't get a day to see our child breathing, we didn't get a child to hold for more than an hour or two. We didn't get to know what our children were like and this may be the only thing we have of our CHILD. You can remember the good, the laugh, the eyes, the smile, the voice, WE DON'T GET THAT. Our memory may be that of just a simple picture and for someone to tell us that we should be ashamed... well listen lady YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!

A loss is a loss, none bigger or less than another. And I'm proud to say that for the most part I have met nothing but WONDERFUL, SUPPORTIVE men and women and I am so grateful to have met them. They help me know that I am not alone and that I am stronger than this and I will get through it. When I am down, they help me up. I don't know what I would do without these women and I will be forever grateful to them. If out of all of this bad, I have one good thing, it is that of the group of angel mom's I have met after losing Ana. If anyone out there is reading this and needs support, needs someone to talk to, please let me know. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Ana's headstone and due date

I can't begin to explain the emotions I had leading up to Ana's due date. It was almost as though I was regressing through my grief. I was angry about everything. I didn't want to hear about anyone's child, didn't want to be around any children. I didn't want to go to ANY store that had children's items, or perhaps a newborn child. I felt like EVERYWHERE I went there was a constant reminder of what I had lost.

For the first time in about a month and right before her due date, I went to her grave. My anger grew when I saw that her headstone was not put in yet. Yes, it's been cold and the weather hasn't been perfect, but it's already April and the ground has thawed and it's not swampy and muddy.... why isn't her headstone in? So I'm sitting in the cemetery and I called the place immediately and asked about her headstone. First, he asked if I was at St. Mary's Cemetery. I said no, she's at Resthaven. Then, he tried to give me an excuse that the ground was wet and "flooded". I told him that I was at the cemetery and that she is on a hill and that the ground it sturdy. I was so angry I started crying. I almost screamed at him. I told him Ana's due date is April 7th (a Sunday, and I was calling on the 6th, a Saturday) and that I was really hoping that she would have her headstone by then. He said he couldn't do it by Sunday but that he would do it Monday.

I went to visit her on her due date and I left her a single while flower. White for her innocence and her purity. Ana's father went there with me and we had time to ourselves to mourn. We had time to think about her and took time to remember that she would have been here on or before that day. That she should be here in our arms but instead she is in heaven. It was a very hard day for me. 

Under Water

For the past month, leading up to Ana's due date I have not been myself. I feel pressure. I feel like things around me are closing in on me. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation in almost everything I do. I have been searching for myself and I'm waiting to find her.

Under water, the sounds I hear are muffled. All I can hear is my conscious, my heart beat. My conscious telling me to hold on, to fight, to keep swimming and trying to get to the top for a breath of air. There are giggles and grunts in the faint distance but nothing that can help me. It seems like no one can hear me. Under the water, my voice is mute. I can't breathe, I can't scream. My tears, you cannot notice as they are one and the same as the water I am suffocating in. I start to panic. My heart starts to pound, harder, stronger. What do I do? How can I break out of the water that I'm drowning in? Why can't my family and friends hear me? See my struggle? A numbness starts to take over my body. It starts in my chest and slowly takes over my arms, my legs, my head. Things are starting to go by slower. Seconds seem like minutes, even hours as I struggle to make it to the top for a breath of air. A precious breath of air. But my arms and my legs can't move, I'm sinking deeper and deeper into the water.

Back from vacation... back to reality

I am back from my paradise vacation in the Caribbean. I had the most wonderful time. I spent every day in the ocean with beautiful weather and bright blue skies. I couldn't have asked for a better time.

However, now that I am back in Wisconsin, I am having a hard time coming back to reality. Reality is, I am not going to have a baby any time soon. Reality is I need to find a job. Reality is my baby is not coming back. Reality is her due date is less than a month away, and for most people will just come and go as another day. However, I'm finding it very difficult transitioning from fantasy back to reality.

Since I lost Ana the days seem to speed by. It seems like just yesterday I buried my daughter, but in reality it's been almost 5 months. Where have those months gone? I had graduated in December, but where is the job that I've been longing for? Where has time gone?

It's back to reality... my new reality without my baby.

You're not ready for a child anyway

You're not ready for a kid anyway

My mother is usually the one yelling at me to think before i speak. Well this time i can't even explain how hurt i am by how she told me I'm not ready for a kid yet anyway. It's less than 20 days away from my would-be due date and those words have hit me like a dagger to the heart. Mom and i were taking about a situation with Anas father and i explained how i was upset. I told her how at this point I'm glad i don't have a kid with him because of all the mean shit he has said to me on this trip. Her response: You're not ready for a kid anyway.

My heart sank. The tears instantly started running down my face and it felt like the wind was knocked right out of me. I was hyperventilating. I thought... Of all people how could my own mother say something like this to me. After all, she of all people should know how much I wanted to have Ana. How much i wanted my baby and STILL DO. To hear her say that just broke me to pieces and i ran out of her room crying.

Not only was Anas father being mean, so was my mom. Im sorting here crying on a boat in St. Kitts with no where to go. I'm stuck on this trip which i thought was going to be sooooo different. I thought that maybe this would be where things were rekindled... But instead it shed light that this guy really doesn't care about me or the child we had together.

Then to top it off... What my mom said just made me furious. I just don't know how people can say what they do to someone they know had a broken heart. Ana was and still is my everything and always will be. Mama loves you Ana. Mama loves you.

Ana's father

What a shitty turn. Ana crossed my mind for awhile i was sad thinking about her. I tried taking to Victor about it but he just did not want to. He said how can he miss someone who was never here. So it's clear to me he didn't care and probably never will. She will never be as much to him as she was to me. That kills me. Now he doesn't want more kids he doesn't want to think or talk about her is like she never existed. It crushes me because I wanted her so bad and it feels as though he could care less. I want to talk about how much she means to me how much i love her how much i wanted her.... But apparently not with him. I give up. I guess him and I were not meant to be. I have been shying away from him the past few months because after several conversations he said he doesn't want to be with me he wants to be single and live his life as he pleases. I feel like i will never have my dream family. I will never have the children i so desperate wanted. He said why do i make it out to be "him" well he is the one who will not talk to me about her. A part of me wishes i would have called him to the hospital when i first went in. A part of me wishes that he would have seen and been present for what i went through when i lost her. Part of me wishes he knew what it was like to hold your dead baby that you wanted so badly to be alive. But then i think... does he even deserve to be called her father???

I should be... but I'm not

I should be eight months pregnant, but I am not.
I should be preparing for a child, but I am not.
I should be buying baby clothes, diapers and wipes, but I am not.
I should be awaiting my first baby shower, but I am not.
I should be looking at a swollen tummy, but I am not.
I should be feeling the kicks and jabs in my womb, but I am not.
I should be painting a nursery, but I am not.
I should be packing a hospital bag, but I am not.
I should be anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby, but I am not.
I should be eight months pregnant, but I am not.

Four months

Not a day goes by that I don't think of my Ana. It seems like closer and closer to her due date makes me more and more anxious. I'm grateful that I have a vacation to look forward to or I think I might lose my mind. I've been trying to put my focus on the vacation and not on being sad. I know she doesn't want me to be sad. I know she's up in heaven having a great time with both of my grandpas. I know she wants me to focus on feeling better but it seems like I'm finding my comfort again in food.

After I lost Ana I immediately lost her "baby weight". But since I lost her, I have gained the 30 lbs back and I'm at the weight that I lost her at. I'm disappointed about this because I've been trying to hard to lose weight before I got pregnant and since I lost Ana I've been gaining weight. I'm disappointed that I'm leaning on food as my comfort when I know I shouldn't be.

I miss her tremendously. It hurts that I can't talk to her father about her. I can't bring her up because if I cry he will shy away. I can't help it that I cry when I talk about her, I am and always have been an emotional person. I can't change that. But I want to talk about her. I want people to bring up her name. To remember her.

I want to say it out loud. I want to tell people about her. About what she should have been. About how great she was and how I looked forward to her every moment I was pregnant with her. I found out one of my friend's girlfriends is due the day before me with a little girl. She constantly complains about how she feels and that this will be her last child and blah blah blah. I think to myself, I WISH I WERE FEELING WHAT YOU ARE! I'm dying inside not feeling kicks, not feeling her inside me moving around. BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!!!

I WILL

I feel like I'm in the point of my grieving that I want to help others. I started this blog to help other mothers who are going through the same or a similar situation as mine. NO ONE ever imagines the baby they are having will be born sleeping, that a child would pass so young. There are ways that I want to help mothers, so I am making a list. Starting this year I will do the following to help other mothers:

1. I have registered as a walker in the March for Babies. I will walk for Ana and ALL other babies born sleeping, born prematurely, or born sick. I have a goal of raising $500 this year and to increase that amount every year from 2013 forward. I will be walking on April 20 and hope to have a nice team of family and friends that are willing to walk the 2 miles in remembrance of Ana and other babies. The following link you can sign up to donate, walk with me, or just share my link with others. http://www.marchforbabies.org/anabelleluz

2. I will continue to update my and Ana's story. I feel this is important because she will never be forgotten. I will continue this blog not only for Ana but for other mothers who have gone through what I've been through and they need to know they are not alone.

3. I will continue to be an active part of the infant loss community. I will continue to reach out to other mothers who have had their worlds shatter around them. They need someone to talk to and to listen. They need to know they are not alone. I want to be someone to help them with their loss.

Random hard days

The other day, Monday, to be specific, I went to see Ana. I was emotional and just had a strong urge to go see her. It was cold so I sat in the car and cried. I called her father and asked if he's been there to see her since the last time we went. He said no. I got upset. To me, it felt like he doesn't want to remember her.

After all the things I've been observing lately I just don't know how to take it. I don't know if it's the cultural difference (I'm as white and American as they come, he's of Mexican descent). I don't know if it's because he's a man and they grieve differently. I don't know why there is such a difference between grieving and remembering. I just don't know. But all of this got me so overwhelmed and so mad.

Her headstone wasn't in place yet and that made me mad. I know it's winter but dammit I at least wanted to see it. So I left her grave and went to the monument place we purchased her headstone at. I was in tears. Could barely talk. He remembered who I was and took me back to the room where her headstone awaited. He again told me that he wasn't able to put it in while the ground was frozen so we had to wait. But I just sat there crying. So many things ran through my head. How in less than two months I should be holding my baby, but instead I'm awaiting the placement of her headstone on her freaking grave. It just kills me inside.

I keep getting mail about baby registries and baby magazines and when I get the mail I just want to burn it. I can't open it. I can't look at it. I try to ignore it. Sometimes, I just don't get the mail because I'm afraid there will be another reminder of my loss. My emptiness. My Ana. I love you baby. I will never forget you! You will ALWAYS live on in my heart.

First "real" AF

Well, here it is. Just 2 days after the 3 month anniversary of my loss is what I will consider my first real period (AF). After the sonohysterogram I bled for so long I didn't know if I was having my period or if it was complications of bleeding from the procedure. According to my tracker on Fertility Friend (FF) I had a 64 day cycle, and almost 24 straight days of bleeding. This does not include my post-partum bleeding. So, as you can say, I'm sick of seeing red.

However, I some-what welcome AF as I know that my body is working properly. For a long time, I didn't get my period and therefore was unable to conceive. I now hope that after all of this my body will get back on track and (hopefully) soon I will see a rainbow :) I started tracking on FF to hopefully narrow down my ovulation. Wish me luck and baby dust!

How I miss you (3 months)

I miss you so much Ana. I'm alone and thinking about what I wanted for you. The little things that would have brought so much joy to me. Your first cry, your first smile, your first giggle, first step, your first everything. I miss you with every breath I take. It pains me that you're not here in my belly. My belly should be getting round, growing bigger with each month.  I should be feeling your kicks, your turns, your wiggles. I miss you with every beat of my heart, which beats for you. You were only with me for a short time, you will always be in my heart. I miss you with every second that passes by, without you here with me. I miss you with every tear that I shed, knowing I will never have a chance to know you. You never got a chance at life. It's so unfair. I miss you with every part of me and it hurts so much today.

Anger

Since I've lost Ana, my anger has really gotten out of control. I mean, REALLY out of control. I seem to find myself screaming and crying for no reason. Something so silly and so stupid will make me mad and then it all goes downhill from there. I don't know why it's like this, I just feel so lost, hopeless, and upset and I don't know how to get my feelings out.

I've been having problems with my room mate. This is mostly my fault. If it wasn't for the way that I've treated him since Ana's loss, maybe things would be different right now. Maybe he and I would get along and we would be better friends than we are now. But it seems like bit by bit I've ruined our relationship and there's no way of fixing it.

He started seeing another girl. Yes, I'm slightly jealous. But I'm jealous because I miss the way he treated me. And it's all my fault that he wants to spend time with another girl. I don't blame him. If he treated me the way I treated him I would have been gone a long time ago. But at the same time, he's done some shitty stuff to me too. It just seems like it's gotten so much worse since losing Ana. Some of the emotions I'm feeling aren't directly related to him and I shouldn't be taking it out on him. Now it's too late.

Since losing Ana, it seems like my anger builds. Even if I scream, shout, punch a pillow... It seems like I've been holding on to more and more and just can't let go of some things. It hurts me to know that I'm hurting some of the people closest to me. But again, those closest to me refused to take me to the hospital the night I lost Ana. I can't help but still feel a bitterness inside me towards him, my mom, and my two other friends that couldn't do it for me.

I want to forgive, and to forget, but it hurts so bad that no one wanted to take me to the ER until it really was too late. My room mate went to a haunted house, my mom told me to suck it up. The other friends were too busy to take me. It hurts so bad. I should have called an ambulance. I should have just tried my best to drive myself the 5 blocks to the hospital. But by about 1 am... it was just too late.

I lost my daughter. The one thing I had so much desire for. I don't have her. My room mate will never understand. My mother will never understand. I don't even think Ana's father will ever, truly understand the ginormous loss/emptiness I am feeling inside of me. It's like a black hole. I had so many dreams for her... and now I have nothing. Nothing at all. This makes me ANGRY.

Saying goodbye again (to my room mate)

I guess I've always been "too" caring. "Too" nice, "too" loyal. I met my room mate (ex) back in late May or so of 2011. We talked, got to know each other and had a good time together. I remember our first real date. I took him to Rock USA for the first time. We had a good time, listening to the bands that I've never seen live before, having fun just messing around and enjoying the music.

At first I told him exactly what I wanted from life and a relationship. I told him I wanted kids and marriage and the white picket fence. I told him this with expectations that if we started getting serious that at least he knew what I wanted. Come to find out, he didn't want any of it from me until it was too late.

I remember when his world started spinning apart. In September of 2011 his sister's probation officer came to look for her at his house which she told the PO she was living at. She let the PO into the house and she immediately found paraphernalia that his sister said was Eric's. Eric, myself, and Eric's son, Landon, were on our way to College Avenue for their annual car show the Friday before Octoberfest. We stopped to get some food when we got the call that his house was being raided by the MEG unit and police. His sister blamed everything on Eric and, while she was arrested, he was charged with a Felony case of possession of marijuana.

I knew he was in trouble but I wanted to be by his side and we decided that we were going to move in together. Eric was working day to day jobs and really didn't have a steady source of income. He didn't get a steady source of income until my sister got him a job at Plexus through a temp agency in March. Anyway, I was stupid enough to take out a loan for the moving expenses, to pay his past due bills, and then for anything new we would need around the new place. He promised me as soon as he had a steady job that he would help me pay off the loan.

Then, I had found conversations he had with many other women and a whole Facebook profile devoted to nasty, perverted, fucked up things to other women. I still stood by his side because he told me he would change. He told me he would stop talking and texting these younger girls and women who could potentially get him in trouble too! 

Because of the situation with his sister and the PO, CPS also got involved and tried to force Eric into certain situations like just saying or admitting that it was his because it was in his house. I stood by his side through this all. I knew that he had to get a lawyer and he was refusing. His case was coming up and I knew that if he went in there he would be charged with something that could not only tarnish his name forever, but could also result in him losing any time with his child. I got him a lawyer but he borrowed the money from his mom.

He was also being sued for over $1,000 by his previous landlord for random miscellaneous things after they were the ones to kick him out (but not evict him). When we got the list I knew that also needed to be fought as they were trying to add expenses for no reason. I believe the amount they originally wanted was like $1300 and after our mediation it was settled at $270.00. I saved him over $1,000 that he would have been charged if he hadn't gone to court to fight for himself.

Even through all of this, he continued to talk to other women until January after the last time I just gave up. We weren't getting along, constantly fighting and bickering at each other over lack of trust. We separated, he moved into the other bedroom, and we said we would try working it out as friends. Now is when he started focusing on what we should have been. He started putting more effort into the house he started treating me better, stopped talking to his shitty friends. I don't know if this is because we moved and we weren't around the same young crowd  or if it's because he really wanted to change for me.

I stood by his side when all of his friends left him, went to jail, made babies with several women or whatever else the case. We all know that people grow apart from time to time and that those real friends still remain. Eric's dad had cancer and his family and friends held a benefit for him to help with medical costs and bills from his illness. Although we had just split up I went with him to the benefit to support him and his family through this rough time. His dad progressively got worse, and each time he went out there to see him I went with him to support him even though we weren't in a relationship.

As bad as I wanted to move out, I figured the timing just wasn't right. I couldn't leave him with all these problems, he had an unstable job, and his father was dying. His father was his idol, his everything. The one person he looked up to the most in the world. Most of his so-called friends were gone and he didn't have any true support. I was there for him when no one else was. 

In February we dealt with the court case from his sister and the suspected possession of marijuana. After everything was said and done, the court case was dismissed because there was no evidence it was his and not his sister's. Another victory for Eric.

In April, my grandfather passed away. While we had known it could have happened any time in the past 10 years, we really didn't expect it. He was doing well. Then, he passed away in Arizona with only my grandma out there with him. This was really hard for my whole family. We loved and looked up to him so much and now he was gone. Eric was by my side during that time and attended the funeral with me. While we were fighting, he still paid his respects and I appreciated him for that.

Since the time that the cops raided Eric's house he also started having problems with the mother of his child constantly starting arguments and wanting to tell Eric that he was not allowed to see his child and that she would possibly be giving him supervised visits instead of visits every weekend. His son is something that he cares about a lot and he felt this was not right. Finally, in June we (he) had enough and filed for an additional day so he could have him Fri-Sat-Sun-Mon. After mediation, the court ruled that he would get his extra day. I stood by his side and also was the one watching his child while he worked now.

We still were not together, he was still living in his own room. Because of all the stress, I decided in the beginning of summer to purchase season passes to Noah's Ark waterpark for both of us so that we could relax and spend some time together. It was fun, we went down there probably 8 times in the summer of 2012. Had a blast being in the water, spending time together, etc.

Since we were single, I did, go out with my ex and we did hook up in the very beginning of July. This was when I got pregnant with Ana. A day or so after Ana's conception, Eric's father passed. I stood by his side throughout everything and I was there at his father's house with him the night before he passed. While we didn't know he was going to pass, it really helped Eric knowing he was there and able to say goodbye one last time. I stood by his side because I could not imagine the pain of losing a parent. This is something that I dread so much and could never imagine how he felt. Even though we weren't getting along well (maybe due to the fact his useless "so-called" best friend moved into the house in June).

I feel like I put so much effort into this relationship and if not being his girlfriend, at least being his friend and being by his side for anything he might need. After July is when I started to see a change in Eric. Eric wanted to try working things out but after all of our fighting I just could not do it anymore. He offered to be there for me and Ana, once I had her. He was there when I lost Ana in October. Shortly after Ana's passing, Eric's grandfather passed. I was there for him as his support, but I was unable to attend the funeral as I was still buried in my own grief.

I kept telling him there was nothing there anymore. He should go out and get a new girlfriend and that maybe he would be happy. We set up boundaries for the house if/when there was a time when one of us started dating another person. We made it clear to each other that no one would be coming into "our" house. If/when we wanted to see someone else we would make arrangements so that neither of us would feel awkward. After I lost Ana, I started seeing Ana's father more. I told Eric this and he was pissed. He would throw it in my face that I had a baby with my ex, even though he clearly knew we were not together.

There's been a lot of fighting lately about stupid shit. Useless shit. And it's funny that he starts talking to a girl after New Years of this year and he goes out to his mom's house for a Christmas party and he's seeing a new girl. He comes back to the house on Sunday bragging about how he could have gotten road head from some skank he gave a ride home to. Then he started dropping hints he was "talking" to someone else but wouldn't give me any information. Fine, whatever. He's all of a sudden asking when I'm going out of town and what I have planned for each night of the current week. I told him I don't know, why? Come to find out he wanted to bring this girl to OUR house.

Even though I am talking to Ana's father, we are not in a relationship. I would tell Eric immediately if we were because I want to be honest and open with him about everything. Well, then comes facebook... "April requests the status of 'in a relationship' with you". Wow. Without even telling me. He told me he hasn't seen her in 9 years, but he wants to. Turns out he saw her the night he went out by his folks. Monday he questioned me about where I am and what I was going to do tomorrow (Tuesday). He later admitted Tuesday was her day off and wanted to bring her to the house. I don't/will not EVER bring Ana's father to the house out of respect for Eric. Apparently he doesn't have this same respect for me.

I want us all to be happy, but since he's lying and lying and lying again, I just can't trust him. He told me he wants me out of the house immediately, but we are both on a lease together and I paid this months rent. I have every right to remain in this house whether he likes it or not. This was our house and just because he has a new girl friend doesn't mean he can kick me out for no reason at all. And, on top of it all, he has never paid me back any of the money he said he would when we moved in.

I feel so used. Used as the bitch who bought him and his soon food, clothes, gas, etc. Took him to Friday night fish fries, took him to my cabin, took him places he's never been before. I feel used because he only took me out once. He never put that effort into "us" until it was too late and I was ready to move on. He never cared. He just wanted to sit around and play his video games. There were many many days where he just couldn't handle his own child and wanted me to take him with me and go out for awhile so he could have some time to himself. So I did. I did everything I could for this man. I was his support, his ear, his confidant  He was there for me, but only when I really really REALLY needed it. In other aspects, it was all too late.

Since he's trying to kick me out, since he's trying to bring this girl to "our" house, then I guess this is it. I guess this is goodbye. I will not be subjected to some bullshit liar video game junkie. I cared for him. I cared for his son. But I just CANNOT do this anymore.

Goodbye Eric. Goodbye.

What Hurts The Most... Rascal Flatts

I relate this song to my Ana. There's so many things that I will never know about her. I wish I had the chance to do these things with my daughter. This song makes me tear up every time I hear it.
What Hurts the Most, Rascal Flatts (link to video)
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty houseThat don't bother meI can take a few tears now and then and just let ‘em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even thoughGoin' on with you gone still upsets meThere are days every now and again I pretend I'm okayBut that's not what gets me
What hurts the mostWas being so closeAnd havin' so much to sayAnd watchin' you walk away  (fly away)
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I goBut I'm doin' itIt's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm aloneStill harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regretBut I know if I could do it overI would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heartThat I left unspoken
What hurts the mostIs being so closeAnd havin' so much to say(Much to say)And watchin' you walk away (fly away)
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do, ohOh yeah
What hurts the mostWas being so closeAnd havin' so much to say(To say)And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin'What could've beenAnd not seein' that lovin' youIs what I was tryin' to do
Not seein' that lovin' youThat's what I was trying to do, ooo

Empty

I feel a complete emptiness inside. Not only in my heart and stomach, but in my soul. As I'm sitting here I'm thinking that my stomach should be swollen, I should be excited to have a little baby girl in less than three months. I touch my stomach just to be reminded that she is not there. Immediately after Ana I lost the weight I gained while pregnant with her... only to gain that weight right back. I am at the weight that I lost Ana at, and it just kills me knowing that I've gained so much weight back.

I'm empty in my heart. It hurts so in my heart. The pain just throbs. I decided not to get Ana cremated and because of this, I do not have any of her remains. All I have is her memories in my heart. But I still feel so empty.

My arms are empty. There's nothing to hold. No baby, no blankets, no toys. I do hold on to my "Ana Bear" that I got from my sister. It's a very special pink bear with an angel outfit on it. I love it so much. It's the only thing I have to squeeze since my baby is in heaven.

My house is empty. I would have had everything ready for her in the next month or so to await her arrival. Instead, my house is empty. There's no baby, no coo's, no crying. No smell of dirty diapers no dirty baby laundry to wash. As much as mom's dread this, I was SO looking forward to it.

I'm empty. So empty without Ana. I love her and miss her soooo much.

First BFN (big fat negative)

Well... I finally stopped bleeding Wednesday December 12. It felt like forever and a lifetime of bleeding and remembering the loss of Ana. It's been almost a month since I stopped bleeding and I expected to get my period soon so I took a test and got my first BFN. While it might still be too early to tell, my cycle may also be out-of-whack from bleeding for so long.

I'm hoping that in the next few months I will have the BFP (big fat positive) I'm hoping for :) Hoping for a rainbow baby in 2013! Wish me luck!

Cruisin' the Caribbean... The cruise that should have been.

I took a cruise to the Caribbean in March of 2009. While I had a lot of fun, I truly missed my significant other (Ana's father). He was invited on the cruise but was unable to come up with the funds to pay for it so my family and I went without him. During the time I was gone (one week) Ana's father hooked up with a new friend of mine. When I returned our relationship got sour and ended soon after.

Ana's father should have been on the cruise with me. I felt bad that I didn't have enough money to pay his way, but we were young and lived paycheck to paycheck... how was I supposed to pay the way for both of us? He always wanted to travel, and I did too. It was great being able to talk about our dreams together, but after our relationship ended they were soon forgotten.

When I started talking with Ana's father again I would have never expected to hook up with him again, let alone get pregnant and let all those feelings for him come back. I also didn't expect to book the cruise we should have taken together so long ago, with him.

I originally wanted to take this cruise as a graduation celebration after two long years of full time schooling. I discussed this over the spring and summer of 2012 with my sister and my mother. My mom wasn't interested but my sister and her boyfriend were. Since I haven't been working since March, I was not able to come up with the funds when my sister and her boyfriend decided to book their cruise. My mom, being the overprotective mother she is, decided my parents and their best friends would book the same cruise.

I felt so sad and upset that they booked the cruise that I suggested, without me. They often talked about it at family events in front of me leaving me with a feeling like I tried so hard just to come so close... until I found out I was pregnant and would be due just weeks after the cruise.

Once I found out I was pregnant I was relieved. It almost felt as though things truly "happen for a reason" and that the trip just truly wasn't meant to be because I would be 35-36 weeks pregnant. I was anxious that most of my family would be on vacation while I was at home about to burst with a baby, but I had a back-up plan that my aunt and Ana's father would be the ones there to take care of me if something would happen while they were gone.

But then.... I lost Ana. Since I've lost Ana I've had time to think about everything and really feel that I would like to take this cruise with Ana's father. I spoke to him about it and he said he would go so I booked it. Two plane tickets to Puerto Rico and a nice Caribbean cruise. The cruise we should have taken together years and years ago. The cruise that should have been...

I pray... by Amanda Perez

"I Pray"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8rtDrDb4oo

You know with each day that passes by, I pray to god I'll never forget who you are.
You mean everything to me.
I love you

Ooooh Ooooh
Ooh I pray

You were in my dream
Before I even knew that there was a you and me,
Now I can't wait to see your smile,
When I wake up each day,
It makes it worth while
With the kinda love you plant inside,
Specially with a heart so empty as mine.
All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss.

I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.

Everything that you give to me,
Only comes in a fantasy,
It seems like life goes by so fast,
But in this time I wanna make it last. (I pray)
I hate that we live to die,
But only God knows why (I pray)
We all have a purpose,
And to see you again it'll be worth it.

I wish that I could stop time,
I wish that I could rewind,
To the very beginning of every second of my life.
To ask God on my hands and knees,
To never let me forget all my special memories.
See I'm only promised today,
And if it's my time to go,
I don't want the love of my life to ever fade away,
So one last time
Let me open my eyes.
To see what my life used to be like.
Oh God.

I pray,
When it's time for me to say goodbye
I'll never forget looking in your eyes,
I pray,
That I feel your touch
And that God doesn't forget our love,
I pray,
When I close my eyes,
I can still see visions of you on my mind.
I pray,
That I see you in another life,
I pray that you still by my side.
Oh I pray.