Sunday, November 11, 2012

3 Weeks Today... Ana's Ring

Well, as of today it's been three weeks since I've lost my Anabelle. I feel as shitty as the weather here today. Most of the day it's been overcast and cloudy, and the sun really just didn't make it out. The rain started in half way through the day and continued the rest of the afternoon and evening. Days like today are especially hard because I spend too much time thinking about things that "could have been".

I tried to keep myself busy today to keep my mind off the fact that it's been three weeks already and I feel like I should still have a baby in my belly. I should still be preparing for what I'll need to do to prepare for a baby. But I know now that this just isn't going to happen. It just hurts so bad to know that Ana isn't here.

I decided today would be the day I purchased Ana's ring. I decided that I wanted to get a mother's ring after Ana passed so I could always wear something to remember her with. While I've gotten three amazing necklaces which each have significant meaning for Ana, I wanted something that has the birthstones of Ana, Ana's father, and myself.

I finally found the ring I wanted, a three stone princess cut white gold ring with diamond accents. When I saw it, it just felt so right and I knew I had to get it. Ana'a father's birthday is the same as hers, therefore they both have an October birthstone. I was born in June. The birthstones are simulated since I don't want to use opal (Oct), pearl (June), and opal (Oct). These birthstones will be Rose Zircon, Alexandrite, and another Rose Zircon.

This is a picture of the ring that will be my way of remembering my daughter. This ring was purchased with a combination of money donated from Ana's funeral and the rest as a gift from my parents as a graduation present. This ring means so much to me I just can't wait to get it. I was told I should have the ring by Thanksgiving, but it's guaranteed to be here for my graduation on December 1st.

This ring is the only thing that has brought me hope today. I haven't spoken with Ana's father in days and for some reason that bother's me. Especially since today mark's the third week of her passing and I could really just use someone to talk to. I hope that he comes around one of these days and starts opening up to me a little bit.

While tomorrow's weather is supposed to be much colder, I have hope that I am able to go visit her grave. I've only been able to bring myself back to her grave once since her burial, and it's been killing me. I am also waiting to see when her headstone will be placed into the cemetery. I'm hoping it happens before the ground gets too cold and hard.

I've felt like crying often today. Just a surge of emotion comes over me and I get a ball of "emotion" stuck in my throat. I've had trouble sleeping the last couple of nights as it seems my mind is just racing with things I feel I still want to/need to do. I want to make a scrapbook of the things I do have from my pregnancy (the wristband from my first ultrasound, the ultrasound pictures, the pictures of her, the pictures from the service, her cards, etc). I also feel like this will be another way of me healing, and preserving her memory.

I love you so much Ana. Mommy misses you and thinks about you almost every second of every day. <3

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