Saturday, November 10, 2012

Differences in grieving

There certainly is a difference in grieving between man and woman. I've noticed Ana's father doesn't like to talk about it much. When we see each other he's asked me what's wrong and, while I know he's not trying to make me upset, I think to myself, "what the hell do you think is wrong with me?? WE just lost OUR baby!!"

He's been quite silent about the whole thing, choosing to spend time overworking himself in the gym to the point that he's injured himself twice now since Ana's passing. I feel like this might be his way of grieving but I also don't want to see him hurting from Ana but also hurting himself physically which may end up lasting a life time.

For comfort I was carrying around the white bear that was in Ana's flower arrangement. He told me, "You know Mel, you're gonna have to stop carrying that around sometime." I thought to myself... why is he being so cruel? Why isn't he talking to me about these things? Why does he want to pretend like everything is ok?

Maybe it's because he already has a son. Maybe it's because it hurts him too much to talk about it. Maybe it's because it hurts him to see me in so much pain. He's told me how much it hurts him to see me upset and crying. Maybe that's just the way he wants to handle it. But I can see how much it's affecting him too.

I want to talk about it, remember her, share her story, share my story. I guess that's why I've started to write this blog. I want to get my feelings out in some way that is healthy and sane. I can't constantly be mad, I can't constantly be sad, I do have to pick myself up a little at a time and get back to a normal and healthy life. It just seems like every day is a constant reminder of what I've lost.

The blood each day, any baby I see, each baby e-mail I get, each baby or child friend's update on Facebook, just gives me a stinging feeling in my chest and a tear in my eye. Sometimes more than just one tear, sometimes its more like a water show. I know I have to let it out somehow, but it seems like it comes at the most random times. Right now it honestly is a roller coaster of changing hormones and overwhelming emotions that I sometimes just can't control.

I've got to get it out. I just have to. It's been years since I've picked up a pen, or in this case typed, for myself. I used to do it when I was a teenager and was going through some hard times and depression. It made me feel better to get my feelings out on paper. So this time I'm getting my feelings down for not only my own healing but perhaps one day for someone else's healing.

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